Bonsai

Not to be confused with Bonsai, a Japanese art form of blowing loads into soup and tea.

Bonsai, founded by Ken Scholler, is a ritual in which participants kill swine by spearing the pig in between its eyes in one graceful stroke. This ritual is performed by Shiite Muslims and various tribes of illegal aliens residing in the Southwestern United States.

Origins of Bonsai

Bonsai first came into existence in 1901, in Hveragerði, a small Icelandic town. A group of Shiite Muslims livng in Hveragerði began to partake in the ritual of Bonsai. This ritual is said to bring oneself closer to Allah. So close, some participants have said, that you can touch the soul of Allah.

Hveragerði

Process

Bonsai is a ritual that is to be completed alone. Participants will invade a farm (usually in the night time) and find a pig that appears to be feeble and worthless. The participant must then spear the pig in the head, right between the eyes. If the participant kills the pig with one thrust of the spear, he grows close to Allah. If the participant does not kill the pig with one thrust, he must complete the following:

1. Slice swine open with dagger, and extract intestines

2. Consume intestines

3. Sacrifice 1st son (or any other child that can be found)

4. Burn away eyes, in honor of Allah

Many Muslims who did not kill the pig on the first thrust were arrested for murder, for they would simply find any baby and sacrifice it to Allah.

The Spread of Bonsai

Noelmahc amak amak

Bonsai has spread from the town of Hveragerði in Iceland to the USA. In the Southwestern United States, there are many tribes of homeless, illegal aliens (mostly of Mexican descent) who practice Bonsai, in the streets of many large cities. The most ruthless tribe who partakes in Bonsai is the Noelmahc amak amak. They reside in the city of Los Angeles, California.

Although Bonsai is highly illegal in the USA, many new tribes sprout up each day.