Anti-Ugly Pill
“Once I looked like a man with his face burned in a fire, and nobody liked me. But when I took this, all the girls were on me and I became the most popular kid in school.”
Anti-Ugly Pills are a medicine that stops, undoes, and prevents ugliness. It's better, more effective, and cheaper than plastic surgery and makeup, and healthier for the body than most medications.
Discovery[edit]
In 2000 a scientist had a son with an ugly face that only a mother could love. He was quietly ignored by other students and dubbed the "Elephant Boy". He always had to wear a paper bag at school and put on a hockey mask to play basketball. All the girls stayed 100 feet away from him, and he was not allowed to take showers in the locker rooms because he would have to reveal his face. Every time he looked out the window he would get in trouble for mooning. He was not allowed at Halloween parties because they do not allow professionals. All the dogs in the neighborhood would chase after him and bite him. So he pretty much lived a miserable life. His father grew tired of his son's misery and decided to find a solution. He spent two years in a lab, trying a lot of experiments, but nothing worked. He was about to give up hope until he created the perfect solution: a pill that can get rid of ugliness. He tried the experiment on his son, and in 12 days was amazed at its effect. His son turned from the ugliest kid in the world to the hottest, most charming and handsomest kid in the world, and all the girls were all over him. People were so amazed at this sudden change that they wanted it for themselves, and so that's how Anti-Ugly Pills came into being.
Uses[edit]
Anti-Ugly pills have three different uses: 1) it stops the formation of ugliness, 2) it gets rid of ugliness, and 3) it prevents ugliness from ever forming. It can be used for people who are a tiny bit ugly, mildly ugly, medium ugly, mega ugly, and even extremely ugly. It even stops face diseases, including face cancer. The amount of pills to be taken depends on how much ugly that person has. Nerds, for example, are mildly ugly, and probably need just one pill, while people who look like they got hit by a shovel six hundred times need two or three. People who look like the Elephant Man need more than just Anti-Ugly Pills; they need Anti-Ugly Pills Max, a much more powerful version of Anti-Ugly pills with six times the strength, which will cure ugliness no matter how bad it is.
People[edit]
People from all over the world have used this pill, and many lives have changed. One guy named Bobby had a disease that ate away the skin on his face. But when he used Anti-Ugly Pills, his face recovered in three weeks and his face disease was permanently destroyed. Eleven-year-old Sara from Kentucky had been born deformed, and nobody liked her. After taking Anti-Ugly Pills, she looks like a younger version of Kelly Clarkson.
Even many celebrities and other famous people took this special drug. When Paris Hilton was in prison, the unsuitable and foul air did great harm to her beauty. After her release, her doctor recommended Anti-Ugly Pills to restore her beauty. In only two weeks she was back to her old self. One week before a speech, President Barack Obama takes one pill just to make sure he at least looks good, and he gives one to his teleprompter too!
Avoid[edit]
“Why the hell do I need Anti-Ugly Pills?”
“'Cause I think you need them.”
“Fuck you!”
First of all, one should avoid offering anti-ugly pills to people. These are for themselves, not to give away to people they think are ugly, because by doing so they're literally calling them ugly, and that is very rude. People who do this are considered bat fuck insane, especially if they do in bars full of tough guys or a lady across the street with a poodle (poodles are evil, slip the poodle an anti-ugly pill when their owner isn't looking). Second, one must avoid taking more than they are prescribed, as this won't make someone un-ugly faster or become more popular, or better than everyone else. They will just go into cardiac arrest, have a stroke, or just drop dead. Third, people who are allergic to any of the ingredients should not take this pill. Anti-Ugly Pills are not for everybody. Those who have heart disease, surgery or are still recovering from surgery, pregnant or may become pregnant should not take this pill. Children under the age of four should ask a doctor.
Side effects[edit]
Anti-Ugly Pills have many side effects including drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, bad breath, dizziness, desire to eat pie, sore throat, coughing, and sneezing, although there have been only a few cases of these, except for eating pie. Extreme side effects include puking blood, having sore legs for like two months, seeing pink dinosaurs everywhere, constant nosebleeds, heart attack, stroke, pneumonia, and rare cancer. However, these are extremely rare, having only happened to two people. So the pill is not really lethal, as long as the user's body can handle it. If any side effects show up, the person should take another pill and visit a doctor right away.
Non-lethal side effects[edit]
When the user becomes completely free of ugliness, he/she must take extreme caution when entering the outside world. A guy will be trampled and doggy paddled by many girls, as well as being kidnapped, or having his clothes removed. Girls will become the most beautiful girl at school/work and all the guys will hit on her, and all the other girls will be jealous. The only way to stop such side effects is to protect yourself with body guards, or possibly stay in a bubble ball to lessen the pain of any incoming pouncing. But because people who are ridden of their ugliness enjoy such things, this advice is always ignored. That's how good Anti-Ugly pills are.