Andrew Moravcsik
Andrew Moravcsick is a political scientist and a former marriage councilor and theorist. He currently specializes in the European Union, which is an intergovernmental institution dedicated to the refinement of alcohol standards. His theories on European and marital integration have had wide influence, despite Moravcsik’s reputation for being an ass-hole.
Marriage Councilor and Theorist[edit]
During the 80’s, Moravcsik practiced as a marriage councilor. He wasn’t a very good one, since he would always flirt with the wives (especially the boriquas). Despite his mediocrity, Moravcsik authored several renowned publications that explored why some couples grow closer together and others grow apart. Moravcsik authored and became the premier defender of the liberal inter-partner theory of marital integration. The inter-partner aspect of the theory stresses that the preferences of the husband and wife are the most important determinants of integration, downplaying the role of supra-couple factors such as in-laws or children. The liberal aspect of the theory stresses that these preferences concern economic issues, which is in contrast to realist theorists, who argue that the preferences concern the security of offspring. Why anyone takes these theories seriously is a mystery since academics are usually too awkward to be suitable marriage partners anyway.(This mystery is also studied by academics).
Critics of Moravisck’s theory argue that the focus on economic self-interest ignores the role played by social norms, spillover effects from prior commitments, and most importantly…love. Moravcsik argues that this is all hogwash, especially the love part, since we’re all just selfish animals. Critics usually respond by saying that perhaps Moravcsik himself was raised in a loveless marriage, but this isn’t the case for most people. Moravisck hasn’t been able to respond to this critique without sobbing uncontrollably.
European Integration[edit]
After Moravcsik’s counseling clinic was shut down by the E.P.A., Moravsick decided to go into academia. Knowing how far a little bit of European knowledge could get him with women, he figured he’d be swimming in poonani as a European scholar. Though he never got laid with anyone other than his cousin, Moravsick eventually became a prominent scholar in E.U. studies. In his alleged “masterpiece”, Moravisck lazily borrows his own liberal inter-partner theory and applies it to European integration. His work is designed to scare away critics, extending more than 2000 pages in length and laced with subtle death threats to competing scholars.
In the decades since becoming household name, a few scholars have attempted to poke holes in his work. Within a week of the criticism, every one of these scholars has been found dead with “Andy” enscribed somewhere on their person. It is because of this, Moravsick has been considered one of the world’s most dangerous intellectuals, despite the fact that his ideas are mostly false and even when true are largely uninteresting or even tautological. Some animal rights activists have started petitions to press charges, but not enough people care about social scientists.
Hobbies[edit]
When he is not being an asshole to other academics, he likes being a conceited patron at musical events including opera, musicals, and break dance competitions. He isn’t afraid to heckle even when he’s at a kindergarten performance. He is especially a fan of opera music, so much so that he plans on releasing an audio version of “In Defense of the Democratic Deficit” in falsetto. This he believes will finally win him the love of Sarah Brightman, his biggest crush since Britney Stevens in 3rd grade. Most Moravcsikologists agree that this won't work because he is intrinsically unattractive to women, but they hope upon musical fulfillment he will stop being so unpleasant.