Al Qaeda Initiation Rites

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International pop superstars Al Qaeda

Recent US Intelligence sources have revealed that all-star top-selling boy-band Al Qaeda, recently featured on the hit TV series Allalabad Idol, has been holding open auditions in the deserts of Somalia. You may know the group from their recent hits such as "I'd Rather be a Taliban," "I Left my Goat in Pakistan," and "I'll Smear my Guts on Your Windshield if You Give Me a Quarter."

The sources also suggest that the "auditions" may actually be violent "hazing rituals" meant to "weed out the men from the infidel wussy-boys." Several failed "wannabes" have returned from the audition site psychologically scarred and brutalized, with painful welts on their thighs and buttocks. Documents leaked to Uncyclopedia reveal graphic details about the alleged rituals.

Details of the Initiation Rites[edit]

Wannabes are required to:

  1. Successfully seduce at least three goats - simultaneously - within a six-year probationary period. No terrorist activity is allowed until at least three goats have experienced simultaneous orgasm (but see Rite #3). Osama bin Laden, lead singer of the group, is especially well-known for his sexual prowess with goats. (It is rumored that he acquired nearly all of his wealth by charging admission to public goat-fucking sessions.) All Al Qaeda members aspire to his prowess; blowing up a goat is allowed only after insemination, in which case the goat is known as a "G-Bomb."
  2. Lemmings are sometimes used to remove polyps from the colons of Al Qaeda initiates. The procedure involves smothering colonic polyps with peanut butter and then dangling popcorn from a string tied to the polyp. A similar procedure is used to remove hemorrhoids. This is the only form of health care offered to Al Qaeda members that is not otherwise covered under Medicare.
  3. Would-be terrorists endure shockingly brutal hazing rituals in secret training camps
    Blowing oneself up, while alone in the desert with no one around will guarantee instant membership in Al Qaeda. Technically Medicare does not cover this either, but virgin goats, lemmings, and all the used peanut butter and popcorn you can eat in the afterlife are all guaranteed.

Recent news from the Pakistani border: A recently de-polyped boy-band groupie reports that Al Qaeda has released a new single, "I Like it Chunky-Style," available soon at pet stores and farms near you.

See Also[edit]