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The acrobat (Gymnausius acrobatica) is the largest member of the bat family, typically surpassing the next largest member, the wombat by several million pounds (give or take a few shillings, depending on the current exchange rate).


Acrobats can live almost anywhere, although the really upscale neighbourhoods try to discourage that sort of thing.

The clearest signs that you have acrobats nesting in your yard are the tell-tale presence of safety nets on the lawn and trapezes hanging from the trees.

Care and Feeding[edit]

That's really a bad idea, but if you insist.

The main thing to remember when caring for an acrobat is--

No, wait. You really should reconsider this. I mean I don't think you realise what you're getting yourself into. Sure the little fellow's all cute and cuddly now, but it's going to grow. The next thing you know, it's eating you out of house and home (literally, as acrobats simply adore the taste of aluminium siding and drywall).

Plus, once they start nesting, you'll be prey to a host of other vermin (possibly even clowns).

Still, if you're sure.

Okay, the first thing you need to do is make sure that the cage is kept clean and--

No, I'm sorry. I just can't do this. If you want to keep the bloody thing, that's your own lookout, but I'm certainly not going to help you.

Sorry, but you're on your own.


Acrobats don't actually have sex, but it seemed like the best way to spice up an otherwise boring subject.

Acrobats are born neutered, and reproduce via a complex series of triple backflips and other assorted aerial manoeuvres, which needless to say (although we're going to say it anyway) causes them to tend to be a tad grumpy and ill-tempered.

The easiest way to enrage an acrobat is to point at its crotch and laugh knowingly (see "What to do if attacked by an Acrobat").

What to do if attacked by an Acrobat[edit]

Well for starters, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to make fun of the poor creature, eh?

If you've learned your lesson though, you might want to try applauding or making "ooh" and "ahh" noises, as acrobats are generally calmed by these sounds.

Shouts of "Get a real job!" and "You've got no willy!" are generally not a good idea. Nor is holding up white laminated cards with the number 1 on it.

Acrobats are not Mimes[edit]

Although often confused (you can tell by the look in their eyes), acrobats are not related to mimes, and should never, ever, under any circumstances be kept in close proximity as this would be a very bad thing.

Scientists theorise that attempting to breed an acrobat with a mime could quite possibly bring about the end of the world (or, at the very least, be rather amusing to watch).

Needless to say, this should not be attempted (unless you're willing to share the resulting video with the rest of us).

See also[edit]