UnNews:Broadcasts

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This is an Archive Page - No Touchy!

Broadcasts are held at varying times - Usually around 8:00 UTC on weekdays, and 10:00 UTC on Saturdays and Sundays.

To see a better-formatted version (disputed), please click on the link:

Archive

12th May

Good Evening, the time is 8:30 UTC and this the UnNews Daily IRC Bulletin.
I'm BarryC, your presenter for tonight,
Todays' date is the 12th of may
----
On UnNews tonight our stories are:
*Cure for Male Pattern Baldness
*Religious far-left object to "Science" Voodoo
*White House Tired of Telemarketers
----
Todays featured article is:
"Cure for Male Pattern Baldness"
Today, it was announced that a cure to male baldness had been discovered. Writing in Conservative, traditional newspapers, 
Fathers said they would expect to be "with healthy looks into their 80's". Teenagers, writing on ED and in magazines, said that
they would no longer feel ashamed out in public with their fathers. However, many eminent Medical figures say that the process
of inserting a metal tube into the colon and procuring electical shocks could prove hazourdous to proper bladder function.
----
Taking a look at other, less creditable news sources:
*Scores die in Nigeria fuel blast
*US lambasted on secret detainees
*Match-fixing probe rocks Serie A
----
Taking a look at the Weather tommorow:
*There will be more light rain in Liverpool
*There will be a pandemic of sunshine in the USA, authorities say the problem is under control
*And finally, thunderstorms are on the way to Europe, analysts say that this will lower the price of electricity, forecasting
 lower profits for the next quater than expected.
----
That's all for now, I'm BarryC and that was the Daily UnNews IRC Bulletin.

11th May

Good Evening, the time is 9:00 UTC and this the UnNews Daily IRC Bulletin.
I'm BarryC, your presenter for tonight,
Todays' date is the 11th of may
----
On UnNews tonight our stories are:
*BNP councillor denies involvement in gay porn film
*Uncyclopedian Attacked by Savage Wikipedians
*John Howard… charged with terrorism offences
*Announcement of Halo 3
*Walmart Secedes from the Nation
*Condoleeza Rice Invades France
*Planet Earth mocks Iran by invading Uranus
*USA invades Utah
----
Todays featured article is:
"Planet Earth mocks Iran by invading Uranus"
The G8 and Affiliated Nations, (inc.) has diplomatically mocked Iran for its feeble plans to take over the world. France went into
National Emergency mode when the natin's infrastructure collapsed after too many people had died from laughing. As a remining Snub
to Iran, the G8 invaded Uranus.
----
Taking a look at other, less creditable news sources:
*Resourcing blamed over July bombs
*US spy agency 'monitoring calls'
----
Taking a look at the Weather tommorow:
*There will be light showers in Liverpool
*It will be sunny in MOST areas of the USA
*However a hurricane is forcasted for New York, alongside a Tsunami, and it'll go WHAM! and buildings'll go BANG! and people 
 will go SPLAT! and there'll be MEGA CARNAGE and lots of - oh, excuse me, I'm drifting...
----
That's all for now, I'm BarryC and that was the Daily UnNews IRC Bulletin.

9th May

Good Evening, the time is 9:00 UTC and this the UnNews Daily IRC Bulletin.
I'm BarryC, your presenter for tonight,
Todays' date is the 8th of may
----
On UnNews tonight our stories are:
*Uncyclopedia Admin Votes Against Yet Another Quality Article in VFH
*Peugeot Forced to Terminate Employees at UK Factory
*Bush appoints Red Foreman as new head of CIA
*Scotland threatens to invade Iran
----
Todays featured article is:
"Scotland threatens to invade Iran"
Scottish King Robert the Bruce has threatened to invade Iran unless they uni-laterally disarm. Iran was, as usual, unimpressed.
(The rest of the article transcends into gibberish and celtic wailings.)
----
Taking a look at other, less creditable news sources:
*US urges diplomacy in Iran crisis
*Abbas urges end to freeze on aid
*UN elects new human rights body
----
Taking a look at the Weather tommorow:
*It will be sunny in Liverpool
*It will be sunny in the South of America
*Looking more overcast and overcast in the north
----
That's all for now, I'm BarryC and that was the Daily UnNews Bulletin.

8th May

Good Evening, the time is 9:00 UTC and this the UnNews Daily IRC Bulletin.
I'm BarryC, your presenter for tonight,
Todays' date is the 8th of may
----
On UnNews tonight our stories are:
*Hawaii boats at risk from whales
*Iran threatens to invade Columbia
*Boris Johnson Named in England World Cup Squad
*Liquid Guinness found on one of Saturn's moons
*Mysterious user leaves content-free news article
*Man's Room A Diverse Melting Pot Of Dirty Laundry
*This Bar Mitzvah Needs Some More Novelty Sunglasses
----
Todays featured article is:
"Liquid Guinness found on one of Saturn's moons"
Scientists probing the newly mapped area of Titan, have discovered a brown, carbonated substance. They
believe this to be natural guiness reserves. Tidal currents have been dicovered. The Guiness World Records
Book has verified that this is the largest natural source of Guiness in the World.
----
Taking a look at other, less creditable news sources:
* S Africa's Zuma cleared of rape
* Trapped Australian miners rescued
* Hayden named as Bush CIA choice
----
Taking a look at the Weather tommorow:
*There will  be light rain in Liverpool
*It will be sunny in America
*With an occasional overcast area
*And some rain heading further north
----
That's all for now, I'm BarryC and that was the Daily UnNews Bulletin.

7th May

Good Evening, the time is 9:00 UTC and this the UnNews Daily IRC Bulletin.
I'm BarryC, your presenter for tonight,
Todays' date is the 7th of may
----
On UnNews tonight our stories are:
*Space Pimps Pose Problems for International Space Station
*Local ASPCA puts the Cat in catapult
*Iran threatens to invade Nepal
----
Todays featured article is:
"Local ASPCA puts the Cat in catapult"
Three residents of Andover, MA were tragically killed and 47 injured as hundreds of cats fell from the sky. Witness say
it lasted for about three minutes. The reason for this event was when the nearby ASPCA decided to reduce the feline population
by means of catapult. The State Government has issued an apology to all affected.
----
Taking a look at other, less creditable news sources:
*UN Darfur force called 'vital' for peace
*Fresh violence hits Iraq cities
*Big rally on eve of Zuma rape trial verdict
----
Taking a look at the Weather tommorow:
*Its going to be nice and sunny in America
*however, in parts it will be cloudy/
*with thunderstorms predicted for New Orleans
*and just for Mhaille - the weather over Liverpool will be overcast
----
That's all for now, I'm BarryC and that was the Daily UnNews Bulletin.

6th May

N.B. This is a more IRC-feely version -- This is not rigourously spell checked!

Good Evening, the time is 12:00 GMT and Welcome to the UnNews Midight Bulletin!
I'm BarryC, your presenter for tonight,
Today's date is May 6th/7th
----
On UnNews today our headlines are:
Collection Synchronizations Expands Secure Donut Shredding Services
Explosive Diarrhea epidemic sweeps Universe
Mexico Declares "Seis De Mayo" a National Holiday
New Guinea blamed for Tsunami panic in New Zealand
Christian Chiropractors will crack for Jesus
----
Our highlighted article for tonight:
New Guinea blamed for tsunami panic in New Zealand
Tribes in New Guinea have been blamed for causing a prank Tsuanmi alert, after a tribesman blew a tremendous fart, whilst at a
party, measuring 7.8 on the Richter TAMBR.
To exacerbate matters,
the tribesman then phoned into the local network, warning of an imeding disaster
The story was passes on to Fox, who, wired tapped by rivals CNN, had their scoop stolen
They then spent the next 5 hours squabling over who owned the story
and consequently, wasted so much time that it finally occured to them that nothing had ahppened
Fortunatlely, it was a false alarm even in kiwi land and nobody lost their heads.
----
Taking a look at other news sources now:
The Headlines are:
British troops clash in Basra, Iraq over a crashed helicopter
Bush denies he squeezes out the Ex-CIA Chief
The Anglican Church has again dodged the issue of Gay bishops
Brazil has gone nuclear
and UK Minister Tessa Jowel's husband, David mils says he will clear his wife;s name
----
Taking a look at the weather over tommorow:
Its going to be sunny on the pacific
Sunny/Overcast on the East coast
And it will be raining in Liverpool tommorow
----
That's all for now, I'm BarryC and that was the inaugral UnNews Bulletin.