UnBooks:Projectile Dysfunction : The Story of a Lackluster Knight
Chapter 1[edit]
There once was a man... but before you scream and shout, he wasn't just any man... he was a knight. His name was Cælious the 3rd. He had 5 mental illnesses and a lackluster wife. Cælious was crying in his living room in full metal armor, he never took off his armor. He was watching the news, but he recently got drafted in a war. Though, the only upside was that he could say there was terrorists at his home and get his wife killed, so that was exciting to him. After he really considered that possibility, he sprung up and grabbed his novelty lance signed by Phillius Cœlleins and ran to his wife's bedroom. He tossed the lance directly at her stomach, which stuck her to the wall.
"Why Cælious, why have you done such a thing?!" she scrempt.
"Because, you are a filthy beast, a wretched creature, a bumbling-"
"Is this because I burnt your toast?"
Cælious paused, debating whether to tell her or not.
"For the most part, yes."
"Fair enough, you go have fun in the war sweetheart. If you need me, I'll be here stuck to the wall!"
Cælious gave her a thumbs up and fell down the stairs. He landed on his homemade catapult, launching him through the roof, and to boot camp.
Chapter 2[edit]
After Cælious landed head first on a bed, the drill sergeant ran up to him fuming.
"MAGGOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE 5 CHAPTERS AGO!"
Cælious was confused.
"There's only 2 chapters so far, idiot."
"I DONT LIKE YOUR TONE, AND I LIKE THAT I DONT LIKE YOUR TONE, YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE WAR!"
"Woah, wait, the pacing is horrible so far. We need a long-winded training sequence so that the higher-boves don't delete our existence."
Cælious walked out of the room and to the training center, he trained hard and fast. He didn't gain anything, but it's the thought that counts. Cælious was sent onto a hay cart strapped to the back of a horse. Cælious conversed with the others.
"So, guy without a shirt, what's your name?"
He answered.
"Joeleth the 9th."
"You should really put on a shirt."
"I'm so buff. Also no, because I could be the horse moving this cart right now, and we'd be there quicker. I know a shortcut and it's through the crevice, the goo mountain-"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Joeleth the 9th stayed silent, he didn't have much to say. Cælious asked another person.
"So, you, broken legs guy, what's your name?"
The man responded.
"Crith Pelt the 20th."
"That's a bit on the nose, isn't it?"
"What?"
"...Your name, Crith Pelt. It sounds kinda like 'crippled', right?"
There was an intense silence between the two.
"Ooohh..." Crith said. Then, the skeleton spoke up.
"We could get to the war faster if we took my sedan."