UnBooks:My First Pubic Hair
Hi, I'm Steve and I'm 14 and this is the story of what happened on the first day of school after Winter Break. (I have told this story to everybody I know, although I think I had better stop, because Mrs. Hammons from homeroom says it's very disturbing.) You see, I have never been a big "ladies man". I had been spending the last couple weeks honing my Pokemon skills and masturbating on the bus. I actually really didn't like girls yet, except for those French babes, they can screw me anytime, but that was all about to change.
When I woke up
When I woke up that morning, I felt something different in the air. Maybe it was because I had spent the last evening playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Money? Guns? Both at the same time? I'll take some of that fat action), but I felt good. I don't know. I felt the same way when I first got morning wood. I kinda felt stoned, like I had been doing weed or whatever. I reached for the Cortizone™ cream (I have a rash on my genitals), opened up my pants and ...
There it was
My first pube, just sitting there, plain as day. I almost cried. Wow. The kid they had called "Nose-Picker" for almost a decade. (Not my nose.) I had a pube.
"Mom! Dad!" I exclained, rushing down the stairs as fast as I could. "Look at this!" Ten minutes later, when I got to the foot of the stairs, I showed them.
Mom sobbed. Dad looked away. "It's purple," said Julia. Julia is my older sister. She's seventeen and has a crush on my best friend Carter. Learn about her here.
Dad seemed to want me to mature. He's always telling me to go out for football. I, for one, am opposed to sports. See, video games, they teach you useful skills, such as slaying zombies, that you need later on in life. What would happen if you were faced with a Lvl 100 Zapdos and you had wasted your time running around on a football field? My guess, it wouldn't be good for you. Anyway, I was combing my pube when the bus arrived. I got on my clothes quick and got on the bus.
"You're late," said the bus driver, Bertha. She loves to humiliate me in public like that. I think she's mad from that time where I sat on the wrong side of the bus and it flipped over. I just sat down slowly, next to my best friend Carter, who has two other friends named Tagstit and Gerrycheevers who always sit with us, but they were home sick with swine flu. We had a talk. "Dude, they're showing a bunch of Naruto reruns tonight on Cartoon Network! 8 o'clock! You watching?" he said.
"Fuck you!" I responded.
"Dude, I got my first pube," I said.
"OH! WOW! I just got my second one yesterday! I got both of mine by jacking my dad's Rogaine! What did you do?"
"Nothing. It was just ... there," I said.
"Man, you grew that naturally?"
"Yep. You wanna see it?"
"Sure." So I opened my pants up.
"Oh, God, it's purple!" It took a couple seconds for him to calm down. I patted him on the back and gave him a PowerBar. He panted. "It's okay," I told him.
"Dude, what designer steroid did you take?" asked Carter.
I told him, "I didn't take any. Like I said, it just grew."
This conversation was (fortunately) cut short by our arrival at school. I picked up my backpack and my Gameboy and went into the school building.
Well, today I noticed something different about the way girls looked at me. They were looking at me with that "Oh, he has a pubic hair" look. Especially Krystina. Oh, Krystina. The way the tape on her glasses matched her headgear for her braces ... Wow. I told Carter I might like her.
"WHAT THE SHIT?" Carter exclaimed. Once again, I patted him on the back and gave him a PowerBar — dammit, that was my lunch — and waited for him to calm down. In between pants I deciphered the sentence "Dude, you could've stopped at the purple hair, but no, you had to go for glamour."
Soon Carter recovered fully. He told me, "Man, you might wanna pull your pants up." I didn't listen.
Okay, I think I might want to tell you that I was not wearing underwear that day. It was a good thing. I think I have already told you how. So I was walking down the hallway when I felt something.
Everybody stared. Or laughed. Or pointed. Or had a seizure. Except for Krystina. She just giggled a little and went to class.
I was a proud man. I walked home from school with my head held high. When my dad asked me how my day went, I whispered what happened in his ear. "Great," he said. "Now, did you go out for sports?"
I hate my dad.