The gospel according to Jim
“This is a masterpiece or the biggest piece of crap since they brought out the Twilight Omnibus”
“I find it dark and disturbing”
"The actual Gospel was created by Jim as a last minute piece of English coursework; Most people said that it was impossible to write a new chapter of the bible as he was 2000 years too late to hang with Jesus and his homies. Not to be hampered with this, Jim set out to build himself a time machine, when he failed to create a working time machine in under 30 minutes, he turned to the next best option: hardcore drugs and alcohol. Within the hour he was stoned, tripping and pissed beyond the normal human limits, Jim found that this was a lot easier than building a working time machine and once he'd regained control of his hands he wrote down the masterpiece. Once it had been sent to his teacher, marked, sent back, edited, sent back again, lost, found, lost again, found in the laundry basket, sent back to Jim, vomited on, buried, recycled as firelighters and written again, it was considered finished. Here is an extract" Quote: mrs.mop, very happy english teacher
“Jesus was just this guy you know, yeah he could walk on water, but he couldn't swim. After he got the nail holes, he was the first person in history to wear armbands on his feet”
Reactions to the Gospel
Whilst most of the teachers who marked the Gospel were mildly amused, with the exception of the vomited version, the church were much less amused. Within the hour of the Gospel arriving the Vatican in Rome, the Pope suffered 3 simultaneous heart attacks, his underlings had to be treated for serve shock. As soon as the manuscript had been burned, the ashes sealed in a titanium case, thrown out to sea, and then had depth charges dropped on it. The remains were then scooped up and thrown into the nuclear reactor at Chernobyl(some say this was the reason for the explosion.). The Pope made a statement from his hospital bed. His Holiness made it perfectly clear that this book was never to be read again, and that it was infallibly forged by the hand of Lucifer himself. Having ordered the purge of all copies of this “vile” book, all but a few were destroyed; the few remaining copies are now changing hands at approximately twice the price of a teenager’s copy of Playboy. Roughly £20/$40.
Quotes from the Gospel
"And God looked around his apartment and thought "hang on, this is the bloody pits" and so God faced the hard choice: Clean up, or move out. He took the easiest option, God went outside, stared at the dark void, and created a new universe there. Having created his new pad, God realised it was a bit boring and so the 7 days of creation started:
Day 1: God drew up the blueprints for project Earth, at this time Earth was a piece of dingos kidneys that had spawned for no explained reason
Day 2: God celebrated the perfectness of his plans by partying
Day 3: God regretted the party and spent this day taking endless asprin and moaning "oh my head!"
Day 4: Having had an amneisac reaction from the asprin God partied again, this time consuming appromatly 3 tons of quality columbian cocaine
Day 5: No one knows what happened here, not even God himself, but some say that pickles where spawned this day
Day 6: God sat on the sofa in his underpants, drinking cheap beer and watching the comedy channel
Day 6.5: God remebered why he was partying in the first place, and did a rush job on the Earth
Day 7: God passed out in a pool of his own interstellar vomit (After having a match dropped into this pool, it set alight and is now known as the sun. The vomit is held in a perfect sphere, due to the gravitational attraction of a small piece of chicken curry in the centre)
Day 8: Not mentioned in many gospels, on this day God left us and moved onto the next universe, he didn't do much better there either"
Jim’s Judgement Day
The Judgement Day in the book of Jim is quite unlike any other, in any religious circle, it goes as follows:
“And God did look upon the Earth and saw the humans evolving, advancing, socialising and generally having a good time. And he looked at his own life, 2 failed marriages to interstellar star goats, and now reduced to live in a rented apartment, dying of boredom and booze. God decided that enough was enough, if he was going to be miserable, then everyone would be miserable, so the Day of Judgement began. First a giant turnip rose from the ocean and devoured the Western face of the Earth. Then a freak tidal wave of Turtle Wax did drown England, and as the waters of the Earth turned to Nitro Glycerine, the rich fled the Earth in their star cruisers, only to be hunted down by fleets of PIC chips, mutated to gargantuan sizes. Finally, God dealt with those who had already escaped to the stars; he exploded them, yer that was kinda weird. God then looked down at the lifeless universe, thought “Job well done old boy!” and went back to sleep.”
The Good Samaritan Mark 2
“And a lame man did sit at the road side, and for he was dying of terrible tobacco induced cancers. And that’s what you do when your dieing, you sit at the roadside. As he sat there, hawking up lumps of his lungs, a rich man by the name of Mr.Tories did walk his way. “Good sir, will you not help me?” Said the lame man “Help you, you disgusting little tramp? I’d get shit on me shoes” And then the rich man buggered off.
So the lame man did sit there, and the world did fade to grey, but then a new hope arrived: None over than Jesus himself, cruising along in his newly pimped Christmobile! The Carbon-steel brake pads smoothly slowed the car, and the Big J stepped out. “I will help you, my lame brother, even when all others have failed you. Together we will enter the kingdom of my Big Daddy, now tell me, have you ever smoked one of these before?” Big J handed the lame man a joint and lit it for him. “It’s mighty fine shit my man, the dude upstairs been smoking it from the beginning, cures what ails ya. Step this way man” And the lame man did inhale the joint in one, glorious, highinthesky moment and stepped into the Christmobile. And they did drive off into the sunset.
Many years later, the lame man came back to that old town and took his revenge on Mr.Tories, whom had become fat and dieing. He pleaded, “Please, you know Big J, let me live longer, just one more year, please!” The lame man went and spoke to Jesus, whom gave him some holy oil, and told him what to do. The Lame man returned and asked “Are you sure that you want to live longer” The dying man replied “More than anything else”. So the lame man rubbed the oils into this forehead and spoke: “With these oils, I embalm you with the power of immortality, whilst your body may die, your spirit and memories will always be born into a new body. But you receive this at a high price, in every life, you will become more hated, you will be the scum off all mankind, a new breed of life. You will henceforth be known as..... A politician, now go and “Enjoy”
Interesting facts about the Gospel
In the beginning there were 50 copies made, but only 7 are believed to remain today.
The book it’s self displays strange qualities, readers report slight charring of the skin, finding new birthmarks resembling clusters of 6’s, and going blind for several weeks.
It is believed that the cover of the book is black text on the most unholy of all colours, Swurple. This would account for the loss of sight readers experience.
A copy of the book was found in Southern London after a neighbour reported a Satanic ritual-taking place. The city ground to halt as all roads were cleared to allow the armoured tank platoon through to deal with the problem (none of which returned). All 3 of the Satanists were jailed indefinitely and the book shelled into nothing, the building was then demolished.
As a final precaution all of the rubble was pushed into the Thames and allowed to be washed out to sea. Rumours spawned from an intercepted military transmission suggests that demonic bricks caused the sinking of 15 British submarines and 5 American aircraft carriers.
4 years later depth charges were dropped on the rubble the the remaining debris was dug up and dropped into the reactor at Chernoybl (some say this was the cause of the meltdown)