The Marine Hotel

Imagine a place where dreams come true. A place where co-workers co-exist peacefully and have actual pride in their work. A place where management and owners see themselves as only small cogs in a large machine, a well oiled and and well kept machine that will never break down on its patrons. A place where workers are looked after by these managers in utter belief in the teachings of the most gifted acedemics in human resources. A place where the customer is number one to all the staff and treated like visiting royalty. A place of utter bliss.

Well if you can imagine all of the above you should go and visit The Marine Hotel (which shall now be refered to as the "Hellhole" throughout the rest of the text ) cause it is the complete opposite of what is mentioned above. A stinking cess-pool that will be taken apart department by department in the following text but it is important to mention a few facts about the area of interest first and few of the people involved in said nightmarish establishment.

1. Ballycastle isn't that bad an area however it is taken over by belfasties during the summer, (see acticle on Ballycastle and its pubs) these people overun the town and their mainstay is around the caravan parks and up in leyland area, aka Little Belfast. These people frequent the marine often and sometimes organise fights in the main hall of "Hellhole". The winner always takes away a box of chips and a new pair of whiter than white trainers.
2. "Hellhole" is used often for weddings and other functions throughout the year but the most interesting ones are the hurling dinner dances. These events are run by usually terrible board memebers who know next to nothing about event management and often they stipulate in meetings the main point of these evenings, drink. The staff get up all sorts of hi-jinks at these events including Breffni Gallacher serving a wedding with his fly down cause the thought it was funny and Simon Doyle replacing a napkin on Ballycastle's top table with a napkin in the colours of Loughgiel. 3. The management of the hotel have no, i repeat no formal qualifications in running a hotel apart from some stupid bouncer certificate and the occasional GCSE here and there. One of them may have passed their 11 plus...

The Bar

Once there was a job advertisement in the Ballymoney times for staff in the bar, it read:

WANTED: BAR STAFF FOR BALLYCASTLE HOTEL SKILLS REQUIRED : NONE. ABILITY TO SPEAK OR SMILE IN A PERVY WAY WOULD GIVE A CANDIDATE AN ADVANTAGE

THOSE WISHING TO APPLY FOR THIS JOB WHO CANNOT USE A PHONE OR CANNOT WRITE SHOULD JUST TURN UP SOMEDAY OR SOMETHING AND WE'LL PROBABLY JUST GIVE YOU THE JOB THERE AND THEN. PLEASE WEAR CLOTHES.

As you can tell from the above its not hard to work here and is a job suited to the people who are underneath the 59.17 IQ line.

Interestingly on the opposite page an advertisement read:

HOTEL FOR SALE VERY POOR CONDITION, PROBABLY RADIOACTIVE. HAS A LARGE ZOO. HAS GUARD DOGS. THEY LOOK LIKE RATS BUT WE SWEAR THEY'RE DOGS. FOR SALE FOR £8 ON NEAREST OFFER OR WILL SWAP FOR A FOOTBALL STICKER OF PAUL GASCOINE (MUST BE SHINY).

The Restaurant

If you're looking for service, I wouldn't hold your breath.

Robert used to work here, this is a conversation overheard with rab and the customer,

• CUSTOMER: Excuse me what sort of wines do you sell?
• RAB: Sorry?
• CUSTOMER: What sort of wines do you sell?
• RAB: Huh?
• CUSTOMER: Wine, what kind have you got?
• RAB: Oh, red or white.

A good solid product knowlege is needed to work in a proper functioning restaurant, this points out about the high levels of training that are afforded to the staff to ensure that the can keep the customer well informed at all times. A redeeming feature of the restaurant is that should you feel warm the roof may choose to lubricate you with what the health and safety people are told is water from a bathtub above or leaking air conditiong. we can only assume this is true. note: the roof may also do this in times of non-warmness.

Rooms Division

I'll keep the one short and sweet and in point form.

1. Airlocked bouncers
2. Receptionists doing their nails
3. Housekeepers with all the charisma of a roof tile
4. Maintenance staff who other staff put earphones in to more easily ignore.

The Kitchen

Once a waiter dropped a dish that takes a long time to cook in the kitchen. the chef at the time walked around the pass picked it up walked over to the sink washed it and put it back on the plate, i shit you not,i watched it happen. However it was perfectly acceptable because it was being served with some chips for a Belfastian. Populated with heroin fiends and thiefs and all the other scum of society, these people are recruited from prison kitchens and worked under the watchful eye of their Parole officer, aka head chef. They do live a difficult life because their legs are tagged and this sometimes causes them to be off balance and they do hurt themseles often. Staff have to purchase meals with cigs and toilet roll, the currency of the kitchen.

The Staff

Many, many retards have worked here and this is often offset by employing staff who are, lets say, a little mental. A few of these are mentioned below and some may be grouped together, but we start with the most explosive combination seen in years. we will not use people's real names to protect them.

Horse and Simon

You know the way some chemicals are completly harmless but when mixed with another harmless chemical you can have something that would have made Guy Fawkes job much easier. Also known to rarely sober while workin, or indeed rarely working while working. These two are responsible for many many atrocities.

• The hole under the stairs in the restaurant (required for ventilation during the summer). *Any bottles of buckfast or vodka found in this area are purely coincidental.
• Almost setting fire to the restaurant (and occasionally themselves) many a morning due to excessive toasting.
• Breaking the washing machines (those that weren't already broke).
• Breaking lots and lots of glasses and crockery to test aerodynamics, durability, and sometimes just for the hell of it.
• The exodus of many of the knives, forks and especially teaspoons, much of which can be found at the bottom of the marina.
• The "Cheese confusion" incident.
• Release of chickens into restaurant. These chickens mostly escaped under tables where they startled customers with their loud bkgawwking.
• Airborne assault of carvery units using suger cubes.
• These individuals may also be responsible for an incident involving Brian McFadden of boyband fame, a post-to-room charge, and 1,000 servings of gravy.
• Also accused of abandoning restaurant breakfast service, leaving a number of residents alone and coffee-less in the restaurant, and disappearing up to the glenshesk (one of the few pubs open at 8.30 on a sunday morning) for a number of pints for 2-3 hours. However the accused's version of events involved the two attending a nearby memorial service in memory of their friends who died in the tragic world wars. Any reports of them walking down the street with plastic glasses of cider are apparently fictitious.

Psychological analysis of these individuals has suggested that a possible reason for their erratic behaviour is due to the large proportion of rim jobs and rusty trombones ordered by some residents.

Finton

The bar manager, brought in for his work with the disabled and his specialty, speech impediments. Has a hard task being in charge of a bunch of tards buts gets by with his excellent Flanders routine which make them laugh. An excellent motivater, uses the old but effective "I'll time you" method to gets them tards a moving. Often has to cope with the hotel's frequent ice inadequacies. Also loves a beer here and there.

Others

• Colm (AKA Fatty): A soft big cunt who had the taskless task of running the restaurant, quiter than he used to be but will always be up for a lot of beer if you give him a packet of fags to get some food off the chefs.
• Linda and Lindsey: There isn't really much that you can really say apart from they used to rule the gossip in the marine, by starting, corrupting and passing on much of the data on all of the staff, most likely seen together in the pub somewhere at the weekend and it should be noted that they are more than capable of drink about a hundred drinks each.
• Molly: Molly no longer works in the marine on account of being dead, however she still does her best to terrorize those few remaining guests who have not already been terrorized by the hotels more living inhabitants.

Conclusion

Much of what goes on in "Hellhole" revolves around the drink and I will personally give someone a keg of beer if the find more than 5 sober staff. The keg of beer will be stolen from the "Hellhole" and you will have to steal it yourself.