Tetbury
Tetbury is a quaint little Cotswold town of over 5000 souls in the County of Gloucestershire, England.
Tetbury lies 10 miles east of Dursley Gloucestershire and approximately 180 miles south of Tarleton in Lancashire with which it is not twinned.
Tetbury is the undisputed centre of excellence for Posh Totty. Posh Totty are that certain class of well bred women, tall, elegant, leggy and who affect a look of not unattractive boredom. Their purpose in life is to decorously frequent the fashionable shops, restaurants and bars of a town. Their ultimate goal is to become Trophy Wives, their equivalent of a Black Belt.
Shopping in Tetbury[edit]
Tetbury is well known for its antique shops (where senior citizens can be purchased at reasonable prices).
The Prince of Wales's "Highgrove Shop" in Long Street sells a range of products in aid of the Prince’s Truss (he has a rupture, you heard it here first). The shop is a magnet for Posh Totty.
A supermarket (so frightfully vulgar) was opened outside the town in 2002, it is not frequented by Posh Totty.
Local Events[edit]
Tetbury Woolsack Races[edit]
The Tetbury Woolsack Races are an annual event in which inmates from the local asylum are forced to carry a 60 pound sack of wool up and down a local hill. The winner receives a free hernia operation and is released into the community.
Tetbury Summer Show[edit]
Tetbury Summer Show is held at the Recreation Ground in August, with traditional bucolic activities including Formation Wife Swapping, Nude Mud Wrestling, Cow Pat throwing and of course the ever popular projectile vomiting competition.
The Tetbury Fiesta[edit]
The "Tetbury Fiesta" is another popular annual event. A stolen Ford Fiesta is encased in a large wicker basket and set alight. This tradition is thought to have pagan origins.
Tetbury Music Festival[edit]
The Tetbury Music Festival takes place in the autumn. Most performances are held in the delightful setting of St Marys' Church. Previous performers have included the Baroque Ensembles - Black Sabbath, Metallica, Slayer, Cloven Hoof and the musicians perennially popular with Tetbury’s senior citizens, Megadeth.
Tetbury Public Houses and Hotels[edit]
Tetbury has a number of public houses, since Prince Charles moved into the area locals now refer to them as ‘Public Hyses’.
Popular venues are the The Royal Oak Inn, The Priory Inn, The Crown Inn, The Close Hotel, The Greyhound Inn, The Ormond at Tetbury, and The Snooty Fox all of which are frequented by Posh Totty.
Visitor Attractions[edit]
Police Museum[edit]
The former Victorian police station and courtroom can be found in Long Street. The original police office and cells contain a collection of restraint equipment. This display will appeal to the dedicated S&M aficionado. For an additional fee visitors can be restrained and to made to feel VERY naughty boys (Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays)).
On alternate Fridays a re-enactment take place where the town drunk is taken into custody, placed in the cells and given a good kicking.