Talk:Swiper the Fox

Quicck review

Without going beyond the current content, these are my initial thoughts:

• It has a confused “voice”. An encyclopedia article is written in a third person view, where there is no narrator as such. While this works in an encyclopaedic way for most of the way through, it drops into first person mode on occasion, which breaks the illusion that it's an encyclopedia article. Just for example:

Well, actually if it wasn't illegal I would never wear pants either...

Who is this “I” that has suddenly cropped up, and why would the reader care about his choice of pantlessness? Whereas:

If it weren't due to it being illegal most people would never wear pants, and allow their genitalia to breathe more freely.

Diesn't break the illusion of an encyclopedia article, while keeping the absurdity in the content.

• Lede quotes are a rare thing in an encyclopedia, and becoming less and less common on Uncyclopedia. Unless the quote is a very strong joke, or is a parody on a genuine, well known quote, it doesn't add to your content, and detracts from your illusion of an encyclopedia.
  • As an aside, think of it in a similar way to when a character breaks the fourth wall in TV or movies. It's not always bad - Ferris Bueller is a classic example of mixing action in with direct to camera narrative. But imagine if you were watching Man of Steel, for example, and part way through a scene Superman turns to the camera and says “I would kill this villain, but I have too strong a respect for life”, and then it jumps back into the main story. That kind of break destroys the illusion, and potentially your suspension of disbelief. This article would work better if people believe it could belong in an encyclopedia.
• Be careful with walls of text. A paragraph should relate to a single thought. Your first paragraph runs on, and a line break half way through (when you get to “Many people…”) would help keep this flowing more smoothly.
• Each paragraph should also contain a joke, or lead into a strong joke shortly afterward. It's a good balance to keep your audience interested and amused, rather than having to push themselves to get to the next joke.
• If you haven't read HTBFANJS, I'd strongly suggest doing this. One thing it mentions is that the truth is more powerful comedically than a lie or an absurdity. The ridiculousness of the reality is more powerful than a ridiculous jump.

Making a cartoon character a rapist is an old joke, and unlikely to be funny. But considering we're talking about a wild animal that is struggling for survival in world with continuously decreasing natural habitat, and it's constantly pursued by a five year old girl who appears to live a life with the autonomy of an adult, and this child is constantly threatening to destroy the lifestyle of… I'm sure you can see how absurd this concept is when viewed in a context outside of a children's cartoon.

That's just a few initial thoughts. There's likely to be more I could cover, but it's a starting point. Having said all that you do have some natural talent and an obvious sense of humour, and it comes through well in what appears to be a first article. Keep working and polishing, and feel free to knock on my talk page if you need any more constructive critiquing.                                • Puppy's talk page • 07:04 25 Oct 2013