Talk:Another essay in the Jones of text

Now, although you may consider it derivative, I assure you that this work you see before you is not only the better of the two, but that the other is nothing more than the work of an amateur and a fraud, fit only to copy things like some manner of brain-damaged primate. Anything seen here that seems to duplicate that work of the other is, simply put, the original work, which has been taken and shamelessly twisted to fit their own childish vision of this true literary masterpiece.Ж Cake-eating Cave Monkey _{or was it a giant monster or a robot?} 22:01, December 21, 2009 (UTC)

While the author of this article has studiously invented a fresh caption for the image - which itself has been altered a bit so as not to look like the one in my article, the rest of the text is such a blatant rip-off of my original ideas that words fail to describe the wrong that the heavens have smitten me with. Who but the darkest fiend could have taken my lily-white text and just messed it up, saying exactly the same things I say, but in a hellishly twisted manner? What soul can be as depraved as this "author's"? This article has no redeeming value. The person who concocted it should really be ashamed of himself. -- Style  Guide 20:21, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

Pah! What drivel is this? You could not even take the simple step to listen to the criticisms listed herein, instead choosing to parade around town with the mockery of my ideals displayed before you like some hellish banner of a maniacal despot. Indeed, the work you so blindly claim to be "derivative" holds far truer to these suggestions by such a well-mannered and strapping individual than anything you could ever hope to produce, much less your monstrosity that spits in the face of literary creation. Ж Cake-eating Cave Monkey _{or was it a giant monster or a robot?} 20:27, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

Hold your horses! I never mentioned anything to be "derivative" - I just charge you, with a clear conscience, to show me where exactly your ideas differ from mine - which, after all, were presented to the Uncyclopedia audience far before yours. Get to it, if you are a man - and even if you are a woman! -- Style  Guide 20:33, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

Points at which the usurper's mutant variation has insulted my work

• A few fringe scientists are attempting to develop methods to nullify the effects of Twilight in major cities, although progress is limited, and considering the meteorological scope of the phenomenon, downright mad-scientist in their procedures. So far, the most reasonable such solution involves country-wide satellite mirrors that would provide secondary "suns" even during times of Twilight. The less reasonable ones tend to involve gross misogyny, for reasons completely unknown to society at large.

What do you hope to gain with this passage? You blindly attempt to reason with the ignorant masses, and completely fail to do so, as the ignorant masses (much like yourself, from what other passages indicate) are already gross misogynists, regardless of their own gender. Further, you claim that the strongest aspect of the divinity here is some nonsensical technological invention. Is this supposed to be some satire on the technological infatuation of nations such as the United States and Japan? If so, it is about as subtle as a rabid ox.

• Although they delivered their stories with great skill, humour, and an amazing neutrality, they are perhaps more known by their video game appearance, as well as the Super Bowl half-time commercial that inspired it. Both of these featured the newscasters in stereotypical Viking garb attempting to traverse multiple obstacles, all the while making "witty" quips and subtle jabs at one another.

This should demonstrate exactly why you never see truly great writers attempting to cite K. A. Applegate. The people who would stoop to following sports commentators and the people who create the greatest masterpieces of literature have no overlap whatsoever (or an overlap of one person, as this impostor would have you think). Additionally, it is far too soon in the history of literature to even think of referencing video games as anything more than a footnote. They are juvenile distractions that capture the minds of potential literary geniuses and turn them into slavering dolts.

• The main threat with marijuana is the obvious health risks. Marijuana affects multiple parts of the body negatively, including (but not limited to) the lungs, brain, eyes, and genitals. The drug contains twice the carcinogens of government-sanctioned tobacco products and actively attacks the immune system of the lungs, leading to a near-cubing of the likelihood for lung cancer in the user. It also induces severe hallucinations and slows down brain waves, leading to severe mental retardation in mild cases, and Asperger's Syndrome in extreme cases.

How this sub-human could ever think that taking such a radical (or rather, bland) stance on something as controversial as this would be a good idea escapes me. No true writer would be caught dead parroting the opinions of the government as truths, even (no especially) if the government is right in this case. You, sir (and I hesitate to use such an honorific) are an affront to critical thought, and to besmirch my work with tripe such as this is a more grave insult than the systematic assassination and disemboweling of my lovers and family. Ж Cake-eating Cave Monkey _{or was it a giant monster or a robot?} 20:58, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

How it actually goes

I hate to contradict you but how you can ever face me claiming innocence is beyond my meagre imagination when you have practically stolen this bit from me:

One of the primary concerns of Global Warming research is the increased presence of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Original claims stated that the increase in carbon dioxide - which is a greenhouse gas - were caused primarily through the burning of fossil fuels, and that such increases were the foremost cause of global temperatures rising. However, recent research has shown that the average global temperature and carbon dioxide do have a relationship, but that the relationship is the other way around. Global temperature changes precede changes in carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, leading to the increasing belief amongst the skeptical science community that global temperatures are causing carbion dioxide to increase in the atmosphere.

You just re-dressed it to read like this:

Minotaur was a dangerous motherfucking nitwit preaching its symbolic opportunism to whoever wanted to listen. The Minoan people, while relatively tall of stature, dark of complexion, and agile of mind, were only herbivores compared to what the Roman Empire achieved later. The Minoan culture, therefore, failed to produce gnus such as Plato, Pluto, and Plutarkhos, to name just three of them. They had strange, colourful beards above their empty eyesockets, and their minds were full of festering hate and mindless catacombs towards the hapless newcomers, whom they slaughtered to a man and ate in their gross parties, singing lewd songs and laughing their lewd laughter. I hope those times won't come back, and if they do.

I hardy need to add what will happen to your dental capacity if this continues. -- Style  Guide 21:09, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

Your mere existence is an affront to creation!

How can you continue to perpetrate such bastardry as this without any remorse whatsoever? I would sooner defile the grave of my own father than brave your abhorrent soulfuck of a literary work once again, but in the interest of driving the point-- nay, the stake-- home:

• Mr winkler is gay. he is the worst english teacher EVER he suxs. He gave me a F!!!! because i didnt read some gay book. Even though it wasnt my fault. i dot like him and niobody does because he is gay and stupid and ugly and retarted and fat. i wish he will gats firedfrom his job and goes to the moon or a gay retared place. he is GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!! HE IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. HE IS SO BAD. I HOPE HE GET SOME SICK.

I don't even know where to begin with this. It goes against the spirit of writing so harshly that to call it "shit" would be an affront to fecal matter the world over. Homophobic, crude, and randomly attempts to cite astrology, of all things, to bring your point to light. And what is the point here? Simple: anti-intellectualism. That's right: the author is not only as common and failed as the day is long, but he aims to damn our entire language and drag the nation-- nay, the world-- into aimless cockslapping! It is all I can do to prevent myself from traveling to your home and administering, as they say, "a good ol' ass-whoopin'", and the evidence continues to accrue that such a thing would be the only just thing to do in this life. Ж Cake-eating Cave Monkey _{or was it a giant monster or a robot?} 21:23, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

The last drop!

OK, that did it. I will not stand by and watch you write things like

suddenly THE CAR IS REALLY BIG AND IT CRASHES INTO THEIR BALLS LOL LOL

and claim it is my creation. I'll sue, and my lawyer will make you suck my dick. -- Style  Guide 21:28, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

In conclusion

A wizard did it. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 21:24, December 22, 2009 (UTC)

Before

Before I start to read = What does title mean? I don't get it... (I;m not native English)

If you ever find out, let us know too. But it's important, whatever it is. -- Style  Guide 19:17, December 23, 2009 (UTC)

I don't get this article, sorry.

Well if you find someone who "gets" it, let us know too! -- Style  Guide 21:37, December 23, 2009 (UTC)