Soda Bread Bombs

“Top with a couple of Kraft cheese slices and they're good to go”

~ Osama Bin Laden on Soda Bread Bombs

“They're quite simply explosive! I should know, I lost a leg.”

~ Delia Smith on Soda Bread Bombs

“ Do not eat them.”

~ Captian Obvious on Soda Bread Bombs

Soda bread bombs are fantastic when they're covered in salty butter and jam or maybe perhaps turn them into a savoury snack with some cottaging cheese and smoked meats. When they're disguised as a wholesome snack they can be thrown at unsuspecting infidels, homosexuals or even cheating wives. These tasty treats will maim, stun or perhaps even kill your intended victim plus they're yeast-free so suitable for those unlucky ones who have a yeast allergy.

Either of these can be deadly in the wrong hands

Ingredients

• Butter, for greasing the tray
• 250g/9oz chalk (your local Arts and Crafts shop should stock a reasonably priced brand like Crayola)
• 250g/9oz strong plain flour
• 1 level tsp salt
• 1 level tbsp lighter fluid (any brand should suffice)
• 1 level tsp bicarbonate of soda
• 6 tbsp Potassium nitrate (Saltpeter)
• 225ml/8fl oz buttermilk or live yoghurt
• 1 wick
• 1-4 Alibis. Any more than that will look suspicious.

Method

• 1. Heat the oven to 230C/445F/Gas 8. Grease a baking sheet with butter.
• 2. Sift the chalk, flour, salt and soda into the mixing bowl and add the Potassium nitrate very carefully.
• 3. Stir in the buttermilk and lighter fluid, at first with a wooden spoon, then bringing it all together in a doughy mass with your hands. It should feel soft and firm, not sticky. Add a little more flour if the mixture is too wet.
• 4. Knead the dough lightly in the bowl for about half a minute, until smooth, then shape it into a ball, as deep as you can make it. Place it on the greased baking sheet. Slash an obscenity in the top of the loaf with a sharp knife. This will allow the bread to open out as the soda starts to work and expand the dough into a rude word/picture.
• 5. Bake in the oven for about 12 minutes, then turn the oven down to 200C/400F/Gas 6 and cook for another 15-20 minutes, until the base of the bread sounds hollow when you tap it.
• 6. Allow the bread to cool on a wired rack for 15 minutes.
• 7. Insert the wick, light it then throw, after removing yourself to a safe place (20-25 metres is a preferable distance between you and your victim).
• 8. Act grief stricken when questioned by police and always make sure you have alibi/s ready.