Welcome to the Mother Ship of amateur comedy writing! (Amateur means we don't pay you to do it.)
This is where the original Uncyclopedia wound up. You might as well pick a user name. We have no "partners" that want to sell you stuff. Giving your email simply lets you recover your password; we don't send spam. Uncyclopedians get a talk page, private edit area, and a welcome, maybe, if you actually edit; and we won't de-platform you for your views, if they're funny.
Soda Bread Bombs
“Top with a couple of Kraft cheese slices and they're good to go”
“They're quite simply explosive! I should know, I lost a leg.”
“ Do not eat them.”
Soda bread bombs are fantastic when they're covered in salty butter and jam or maybe perhaps turn them into a savoury snack with some cottaging cheese and smoked meats. When they're disguised as a wholesome snack they can be thrown at unsuspecting infidels, homosexuals or even cheating wives. These tasty treats will maim, stun or perhaps even kill your intended victim plus they're yeast-free so suitable for those unlucky ones who have a yeast allergy.
Ingredients[edit]
- Butter, for greasing the tray
- 250g/9oz chalk (your local Arts and Crafts shop should stock a reasonably priced brand like Crayola)
- 250g/9oz strong plain flour
- 1 level tsp salt
- 1 level tbsp lighter fluid (any brand should suffice)
- 1 level tsp bicarbonate of soda
- 6 tbsp Potassium nitrate (Saltpeter)
- 225ml/8fl oz buttermilk or live yoghurt
- 1 wick
- 1-4 Alibis. Any more than that will look suspicious.
Method[edit]
- 1. Heat the oven to 230C/445F/Gas 8. Grease a baking sheet with butter.
- 2. Sift the chalk, flour, salt and soda into the mixing bowl and add the Potassium nitrate very carefully.
- 3. Stir in the buttermilk and lighter fluid, at first with a wooden spoon, then bringing it all together in a doughy mass with your hands. It should feel soft and firm, not sticky. Add a little more flour if the mixture is too wet.
- 4. Knead the dough lightly in the bowl for about half a minute, until smooth, then shape it into a ball, as deep as you can make it. Place it on the greased baking sheet. Slash an obscenity in the top of the loaf with a sharp knife. This will allow the bread to open out as the soda starts to work and expand the dough into a rude word/picture.
- 5. Bake in the oven for about 12 minutes, then turn the oven down to 200C/400F/Gas 6 and cook for another 15-20 minutes, until the base of the bread sounds hollow when you tap it.
- 6. Allow the bread to cool on a wired rack for 15 minutes.
- 7. Insert the wick, light it then throw, after removing yourself to a safe place (20-25 metres is a preferable distance between you and your victim).
- 8. Act grief stricken when questioned by police and always make sure you have alibi/s ready.