HowTo:Build a Pyramid of Skulls

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So, you're wondering what to get your loved one for their birthday? Why not build them a pyramid of skulls? Nothing says 'I love you' like the sacrifice of your enemies/ colleagues/ mimes/ any fool who happens to get in your way. But don't go thinking this will be easy. You can't just go down to the local corner shop and purchase 1000 Super-Economy skull sets. Luckily, you found this guide! Here you will find step-by-step instructions, as well as details of the common pitfalls.

Planning Step 1: What type of Pyramid?

You may want to practice measurements on a test-skull, to see if your design makes any sense.

You can't go about this willy nilly you know. You need to have a plan. First of all, consider the shape you wish your pyramid to be. A triangular based pyramid has the advantage of greater height for fewer skulls, as well as a smaller base. However, it will look as really ugly. I'd go for a square base if I were you. Nothing but the best for your loved one, right?

Planning Step 2: The Height

Now you have decided on your pyramid type, you need to consider its height, and the amount of space it will take up. For a triangular based pyramid:

Let your height be 'h', and the base area be 'A'.
A = h^2

For a square based pyramid:

Let your height be 'h', and the base area be 'A'.
A = (h*2/sqr(2))^2

As I said, a square based pyramid is vastly superior. Did the Ancient Egyptians piss around with triangular ones? Heck no. And imagine your loved one's reaction -"Oh darling, its wonderful. But you've missed off a side. Were you huffing kittens?" Avoid this reaction at all costs! We should now calculate the number of skulls required. But I can't be bothered. Tell you what, I'll wait for you to do it yourself.

Done yet?

How about now?

Nope, I'm afraid thats wrong.

Finally, you're done. Now where were we? Oh yeah, time for step 3.

Planning Step 3: Choose a Construction Site

This next step depends on where you live. If you happen to live in the middle of a salt flat, or in a desert, it should be easy to find a location to build. If, on the other hand, you are currently living half way up an inner city tower block you may have more trouble. However, your problems are not insurmountable. After all, even if people live there, you need to get your skulls from somewhere.

Planning Step 4: Building Method

There are two main methods of pyramid construction. In the first, you can place each horizontal layer in turn, one after the other. In the second you can first construct a small pyramid, and then add layers around it. This second method has many advantages, as you can ignore step 2. It also means that at all stages you have a pyramid to show for your efforts, instead of a daft looking frustrum thingy. However, it may not be as sturdy as the first design.

Building Step 1: Collecting Materials

Here's some! You can find them lying around most anywhere when you get the eye for them. Sometimes you can follow the birds or the raccoons, and find yourself some.

This is the stage most people give up at. Squeamish I guess. You are going to need skulls, and lots of them. This means you need to kill some people. Either that, or loot some graves. Its all good. Now, you will need a certain degree of efficiency for this stage. The vast majority of serial killers are incredibly inefficient. Perhaps the most efficient skull-gatherer ever was Hitler. However, he severely limited his efficiency by sticking to Jews. Don't make this mistake - just kill everyone. Biological weapons can be useful here. Just don't make the mistake of using nukes. This was attempted by the USA at the end of WWII, but only ended up incinerating the skulls. If you are too squeamish to do the skull collection yourself, it may be possible to obtain some from contractors. The governments of China, Zimbabwe and Sudan have been known to help in this regard. The USA has also been known to help out too, but only after bribing Leader Of The Free World US President Barack Obama with some bananas.

Building Step 2: Putting it Together

You are now ready to begin construction. If you want a square based pyramid, place your skulls in a square. Then place more skulls on top in the gaps. Repeat. And repeat some more. If you are building a triangular based pyramid you've obviously ignored all my advice. Figure it out yourself, you crazy fool. That's if you wanted to use building method 1 (described earlier). If you wish to use method 2, place 4 skulls in a square. Add another skull in the middle on top. Add skulls around all edges. Repeat until you get bored, or run out of skulls.

Building Step 3: Finishing Touches

You are now ready to add the finishing touches. Baby skulls can work quite nicely, smoothing out the side of the pyramid. Maybe an altar to your favourite god? Let your imagination run wild. Only you know what works best for your loved one... some women have "a certain lust" for smashed kitten heads to fill out the gaps on the base

Presenting the Gift

You are now ready to present your loved one with their present. Pyramids are notoriously hard to giftwrap, so you may need to bring your loved one to its location rather than the other way around. Some people like to blindfold them to add to the surprise. Have a camera ready to capture the look of delight on their face.

Warnings, please read carefully

It is quite likely that during construction you will need to use some scissors. Don't run with scissors! Seriously. If you run with scissors you will die.

You will probably break a few laws in the process of creating your pyramid of skulls. That's the price of individuality. Just follow this advice carefully: Don't get caught! and Muffle the screams.

Here's another one! Collect as many as you can, and store them for future use.