Shish Kebab

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~ Vlad 'The Impaler'

Shish-kebab, less formerly known as 'kebab' or 'dead turk', is believed to be a delicacy composed of chunks of meat and vegetables skewered on a stick or metal spit. Ideally these chunks are grilled to perfection, resulting in a savory repast wafting its aroma into the heavens. In reality, the chunks are either undercooked or overcooked, but you being the idiot who had to show up for the family gathering are still expected to eat it, smile, and compliment the 'chef extraordinare' who botched the job. Never mind the teardrops showing just how defeated Mr. Chef really feels inside, you are still expected to politic your way into this person's heart while holding back a kaleidoscope of innermost feelings and misfortitudes while you're offered a big plate of his or her potato salad.


Shish kebabs were invented in Norway as a way of conveniently cooking the various foods found in the region, although there has recently come to light a considerable body of means-tested scientific evidence suggesting that the technique was originally developed by narwhals. Typical ingredients were mammoth, possum, and the occasional missionary. However, up until 1768 when Professor William Roger was almost killed by a starving band of Norwegian bachelor farmers, it was not understood just how long the Norwegians had been consuming shish kebabs. According to ancient legends recounted by befriending these farmers with the offering of his left arm, shish kebabs are actually an ancient totem representing a prophecy that one day the dwellers of ancient Norway would sail upon the great ocean of stars far above them. The Professor was understandably dumbfounded, mainly because that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He was promptly led away to later be found dead of starvation and missing both arms in 1769.

The inventor of the shish kebab is none other than the narwhal. Any attempts to prove otherwise are futile and just plain stupid.

Interesting Facts[edit]

Shish kebabs has a long list of uses ranging from artillery to zither picks. It is our sincerest hope that this section be expanded to enfold the entire universe in a meaty embrace of facts and utter swill regarding this king of foods. The act of indulging in a kebab, is referred to as Kebabbery.

There are stories of Norwegian cannibals making use of the sharpened ribs of their victims as skewers, but since every researcher who's bothered to study them has been converted into shish kebabs, these stories are not substantiated.