Mawdesley
Mawdesley[edit]
Mawdesley is a tiny, obscure dormitory enclave for aging greedy/rich Tory commuters and far right wing wealthy retirees set in the most featureless, flat, isolated and inbred part of Lancashire. The village was formally part of Chorley Borough Council, however in the 1990's the local snobbish residents felt that a connection to a northern town such as Chorley lowered the tone.
After a brutal guerrilla war and reign of terror against Chorley Borough Council (the infamous "Borough War"), Mawdesley now stands as an off-shoot of Elmbridge Borough Council in Surrey (the most snobbish and expensive area of Surrey). As Mawdesley is some 300 miles from the head office of Elmbridge Borough Council this has caused some serious logistical problems for council staff. The refuse collection team have a particularly long collection round and have found it hard to retain staff.
A serious dispute occurred in 2013, after the planning department of Elmbridge Borough Council approved one affordable home to be built in Mawdesley. This resulted in the ritualistic Pagan slaughter of the entire planning department at Elmbridge Borough Council.
Mawdesley is situated some 300 miles from Elmbridge Borough Council
History[edit]
The name "Mawdesley" is actually a corruption of the Anglo-Saxon, Mercedesley - or "place of the Mercedes." Mercedes and other luxury cars, particularly Range Rovers are still a central feature of this snotty little enclave, even today.
The snob enclave of Mawdesley is thought to date to at least 1971. Unfortunately no surviving records before this date exist. Experts believe that this lack of written history is most likely down to endemic illiteracy and Mawdesley's long and violent history of ethic and social cleansing of "outsiders", and "non-inbreds".
Since records began (and no doubt for millions of years before that) up to present times, practically everyone in the village of Mawdesley has had the surname Mawdesley, suggesting a high degree of inbreeding down the millennia. In the 1980's mass graves were discovered on the parish boundary with Eccleston, the remains carbon dated to the the mid 1800's. One theory is that these unfortunate people were "outsiders", killed in a mass purge to rid the enclave of people who were not inbred snobs and who did not have the surname Mawdesley. Indeed there is much evidence to suggest that these mass purges have occurred throughout Mawdesley's history.
Perhaps the most infamous purge in modern times occurred in the 1990's. A military junta formed from Mawdesley's inbred snobs undertook a successful coup d'etat of the parish council, which they felt was becoming "dangerously non-inbred and non-snobby". Once in control the so-called "Mawdesley Armed Division Against Racial and Social Enfeeblement" (or MAD-ARSE for short) embarked on a brutal period of social and ethnic cleansing. Although the *body count was lower than in previous conflicts the campaign was perhaps more effective in the longer term than previous ones.
MAD-ARSE still control the parish council today, and Mawdesley remains in their words "the most beautiful countryside in the world and a socially and ethnically pure backwater". Economic sanctions, reforms and a comprehensive program of extreme gentrification by MAD-ARSE have raised house prices to levels not seen anywhere outside of London, meaning it is impossible for non rich snobs to live in the enclave. Spot checks and regular daytime and nighttime patrols by Range Rover driving snobs on the parish boundaries keep out non-inbreds, non-locals, non-old people and non-snobs. Experts believe that MAD-ARSE has connections to the regime in North Korea, although this is unproven.
- there is some controversy about this, some experts believe that many remains were burned in Wicker Man constructions and therefore all trace removed.
Religion[edit]
The main religion in Mawdesley is a variant of the ancient pagan religions of Western Europe. Wicker effigies of "hated" people e.g. non rich people, non-white people, non-inbred people, people who do not have the surname Mawdesley, are made. Often a human sacrifice is made, whereby a hated person, such as an outsider, a non-inbred or a non-snob, is locked inside the wicker structure, after which the whole construction is burnt and the person killed. A significant number of staff from Chorley Borough Council were killed in this way during the infamous "borough war", their remains never recovered.
It is thought that the 1970's horror film The Wicker Man was largely based on anecdotal evidence from Mawdesley. The 1972 horror, non-fiction "The Heart of Arseness" by Walter Knobber alludes to "a tiny inbred village, in the arse end of nowhere, in the flattest, most featureless landscape imaginable where the ancient pagan act of human sacrifice in burning wicker men still remains strong."
Education[edit]
Literacy is seen as a dangerous and potent threat to the inbred snobs of Mawdesley. As such MAD-ARSE tightly controls the two primary schools in the enclave. Educational opportunities beyond the enclave are tightly controlled and monitored.
Geography[edit]
Mawdesley is in the arse end of nowhere, in the flattest, most featureless part of the UK. Local inbred snob residents consider it to be the most beautiful place on the planet.
Community[edit]
Owing to centuries of ethnic and social cleansing, and a comprehensive program of extreme gentrification, the community of Mawdesley consists entirely of rich, inbred Tories, over the age of 60 living in huge luxury mansions with extensive equine paddocks. Whilst the keeping of horses is not compulsory, it is very much encouraged - as it is a snobbish activity and also allows for human interbreeding with horses, something practiced by the aristocracy in England for centuries. A long, horse-like face with protruding teeth is very much revered as a sign of beauty in Mawdesley.
It is compulsory for each resident in Mawdesley to own at least two luxury 4x4's individually. Non compliance can result in being extradited from the parish, or in serious cases of infringement, capital punishment via ritualistic slaughter. Walking under any circumstances is illegal, residents must drive their luxury 4x4's at all times, and in all circumstances. Having the same surname as the village i.e. Mawdesley will ensure membership of the ruling junta. Those without the Mawdesley surname have to undergo extensive DNA testing and genealogical tracking to ensure they are related to "a Mawdesley". Behaving as an obnoxious snob at all times is compulsory and rigorously enforced. Children must attend compulsory "snob training" up to the age of 16.
The degree of inbreeding in the population is monitored by regular DNA samples of the population. Anyone found to have "outsider" DNA is burned alive in a Wicker Man ceremony. In practice these sacrificial killings rarely happen today, as Mawdesley's gene pool has become so inbred over millennia that a "non local" can normally be spotted long before the DNA sample stage. Before DNA testing techniques became available in the late 1990's a local "sage" would use a willow dousing sticks to test a suspected person of being "non-local". This ancient technique wasn't always the most accurate and many genuine snobs and inbreds lost their lives.
Local amenities are practically non-existent. In 2013 the only pub in the village, The Red Lion was renamed The Thatchers Arms as a mark of respect to Mawdesley's most respected deity, the late Margaret Thatcher. A depressing, lifeless, empty, joyless and snobbish enviroment is most preferred by the locals.
The preferred leisure activity of Mawdesley residents is to sit monitoring the CCTV systems that guard their luxury gated noveaue riche mansions. Also many local snob residents volunteer to drive their luxury 4x4's to patrol the local parish boundaries to protect the enclave from "non-locals" and "non-millionaires".
Popular culture[edit]
Mawdesley is thought to be the inspiration behind the 1970's horror film The Wicker Man, the 2003 horror film The Wrong Turn and Walter Knobber's 1972 horror, non-fiction book "The Heart of Arseness".
The term Mawdesley tractor is widely used in the North West of England in much the same way as the term Chelsea tractor - meaning a massive luxury 4x4 driven exclusively by a vacuous, noveaue riche prick as some sort of status symbol (displaying the social status of being a prick).
Notable residents[edit]
No one of any note has ever come from Mawdesley. Nor ever will.