Lute

The lute is a modern wind instrument first spotted in 2018 by Ainm Iontach and is used as a basis for microphone production.

Genus, species and evolution

Woman abusing a domesticated lute.

The lute is part of the genus iocus iucundus, sharing this with the Harpsichord, Piano, Flute and Guitar. Never let anyone tell you there are any more instruments. It evolved from the Piano, which evolved into the Harpsichord, which evolved into the Flute, which evolved into the Guitar which finally evolved into the wild lute.

Native habitat and feeding habits

The wild lute (mala cithara) can be found lurking in heavily wooded areas at night, feeding on decaying animal corpses and fungi. During the daytime however, the wild lute spends its time in waterlogged WWII trenches, taking shelter in the water to protect its fragile coat. If you find one, DO NOT approach it, instead leave it be and let it do its thing.

Owning and taking care of a domesticated lute

Owning a domesticated lute is not challenging and in fact recommended for children as a first pet. Domestic lutes need at least 12 hours of complete darkness a day, however 18 is recommended. It needs at least a 30"x100" tank filled with 24% salt, 16% copper hydroxide and 80% water for a healthy coat and quality strings. For food a diet of sheep intestines and beech is good enough for good health and a good coat.

Common myths and misconceptions

A common misconception about wild lutes is that they are compatible genetically with domestic lutes. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Mixing different lute genes can result in serious birth defects including:

• Yellow string disease, can be cured via adding 12 grams of hydrochloric acid to the tank
• Cupped bowl deformity, also possible via having 23% salt and 1% bourbon in the tank, resulting in a very bad sound, often described as "as if Bach became asphyxiated through a chord"
• Mushy tuning pin, causing it to create low rumbling tones every 12 seconds. Can be cured via a 12% salt, 8% copper hydroxide, 10% sodium thiosulfate, 5% potassium ferricyanide, 5% silver nitrate, 80% water bath for 15 minutes a day for 2 months

A common myth about lutes is they were invented hundreds of years ago. This is a disgusting lie propagated by big pharma wanting people to believe the treatments have been working forever, meaning you need to buy the cures from them. Do not fall for their lies.