HowTo:Win Who Wants to Be A Millionaire

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“You just have to know the Bible.”

~ Sergeant McGuire on How to win Millionaire

As the winner of 'Who Wants to Be A Millionaire Online Game', I can tell you how to win this game show. And impress Meredith while you're running away with the cash. It's not easy being on the show. You're always in the hot seat even when the producers turn up the air con too much, and the host always drops hints which could be anything from the answers to one of one-hundred pick-up lines you should never use.

The $1 Question

Do you want to be a Millionaire?

A. Yes, by winning game shows B. Yes, by marrying some Millionaire C. Yes, even if it means breaking the law D. Only if my partner doesn't get a share of the money

This is an important question. Before even applying to be on the show, you must answer this question. If you get it wrong, you won't even get to speak to the Subway Guy that takes everyone's applications.

If you haven't worked out what the right answer is, it's E: I don't know but there's only one way to find out. If in doubt, select A. But only for this question.

The $25 phone bill Question

You have to answer a number of questions now before the producers will even consider putting you on the show. However, the questions are always the same and so I'll type them here since the producers are too lazy to change them.

Question 2: What is your name?

You don't get a choice between four options. If your surname is really corny, take your partner's surname. The producers don't care about your first name, so any name in between Aabe and Zyzlo will do.

Question 3: What is your quest?

A. I seek the Holy Grail B. I want the cash C. I want the babes D. To win Who Wants to Be A Millionaire!

The correct answer is D. The other three answers will make the producers laugh before they hang up. And you don't want to get rejected again.

Question 4: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

In this question, you don't get a choice. You have to make up your own answer for once.

The correct answer is 'What do you mean, an African or a European swallow?'. This will cause the producers to fall into the Pit of Death, after which you only have to get past one more producer. You have to know these things when you're a game show contestant.

The Final Question for Getting on the Show

Question 5: How many people can find in the Myer elevator?

1. 4. 2. 1. 3. 2. 4. 3.

You will be given ten seconds to answer the question. This question will cause a brain embolism unless you have seen it before and know the answer. The correct answer is 'The first option, four'. No sane person can argue with that.

Having answered the five questions, sorry, three questions, you will be able to cross the Bridge of Death and appear on the game show.

How to be the First Person in the Hot Seat

You will be one of six contestants on a particular day. The batting order is determined by who can answer a given question the fastest. The given question is always one of the following:

Question 006: What is the most common surname in England?

A. Jones B. Taylor C. Smith D. Brown

The point of this question is to ensure that the most gullible person gets to go first, as they believe that ridiculous principle 'if in doubt, choose C' is the gospel. However, you can win this game by selecting C before option D appears.

Question 007: What is the most common surname in Costa Rica?

A. Jimenez B. Moran C. Rodriguez D. Gonzalez

The correct answer is A. The point of this question is to dent everyone's confidence. It won't work on you, though, since you know the answer to every question that the host will ask.

The Talk

Congratulations. Due to your prior knowledge of the questions, you are the first person in the hot seat, and you'll actually get a chance to play for the big money before the 20 year old student can bomb out on the $100 question.

You will be asked to sit in the Hot Seat. Obey Meredith's orders as you will be kicked off the show if you don't.

The host will then ask you a few questions not related to the game. Do not smile, laugh or show any emotion. Appear to take the questions seriously as if you were playing for the money. This will help you focus during the real questions and also encourage the host to give you hints to try and get you talking.

The host will then explain the rules. Do not look at the host, but look at your screen.

And I forgot to mention one thing earlier. When you find out when you will be playing the Game, bring a model along to watch you win. It will save you when nothing else will.