HowTo:Whine
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HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
Step 1: Find Reason(s) to Whine[edit]
In order to start whining, you must first meet the criteria of either being a liberal, or, well...I guess anyone else you mention will probably fall into that category (Actor, welfare recipient, union memeber, Michael Moore, etc). You must also think that this world spins for your appeasement, that your problems are more important and devastating than everyone else's, and because of that everyone must stop what they are doing just to address your "concern." Before you begin whining, you must first find specific reasons to whine. "But I don't have time to come up with reasons to whine," you might say. Wow, well done: you have just whined for the first time. And you thought you needed a how-to on how to complain and whine. You're probably sick of the word whine. In that case....WHINE about it to your heart's content! Whining is similar to bitching
Reasons for Whining[edit]
Although these are most lying a stating the obvious, you might be too busy closing your eyes and going "Why?????" to remember why you were complaining in the first place. So, remember, reasons to whine include:
- To get attention
- Boredom
- There's nothing better to talk about
- To be a general annoyance
- Get people to stop talking to you
- Drive people away
- To get some cheese ("Would you like some cheese with that whine?" is a pun bound to come up)
- Stress relief
- Compulsion
- Procrastination
- "Genuine" complaints (i.e.: Why are there no Reeses left in the vending machine?)
- Good use for high-pitched, whiny voice
- Sympathy points
- You are one of the types of people who whine. This includes Americans, Emos, English majors, women, insecure people, children, immature people, annoying people...WHY DO I HAVE TO GO ON???? WAHHHHHHH!
I see, you already think that this article is stupid. Well, why don't you think this article is funny? Why don't you like me?? WAH WAH WAH WAH!!!!!
No, no, don't get ahead of yourself, you aren't ready for full-fledged whining yet. There are still several critical steps before you can become a full-fledged whiner like me and annoy people within the first paragraph. Why don't you ever wait patiently for me to reach my point???
Step 2: Finding Your Inner Whine[edit]
You have to use a high-pitched, squeaky voice and also insert periodic random noises such as WAHHH, meh, AWWW, OHHH, NOOO. A very popular format is WHY IS ____________________? or I HATE _________________ or any general variation of "My life sucks," basically. Usually each reason is punctuated by a cry or a punch (there's no way anybody will let you finish whining if you accomplish it effectively by reading this How-To Article) and any other exasperated behavior by your friends (though if you follow this guide effectively, you won't have any). Oh, and don't forget to always wear a disgruntled, angry, miserable, or emo expression on your face when you scrunch it up to complain constantly! See the picture for an example of the appropriate expression technique.
Step 3: Finding People to Whine to[edit]
They're everywhere, mwahahahahahahah! Just find a sympathetic-looking soul who's too polite to run away screaming from your complete lack of self control when it comes to complaining. They're in class, your dorm room, wherever. Seriously, just look around a little bit until you find someone who won't just punch you in the face for talking to them (but stay away from random flashers and sketchy people, please, as they can probably whine much better than you so there's no use in competing).
Step 4: Whining in Writing[edit]
The same techniques can be used in writing, except creating the high pitched tone might be harder...IS THIS BETTER??? Yes, much. You can whine online at many emo journal sites (these include student.com, fictionpress, fanfiction, etc.) and totally get strangers to listen to you without the risk of being beat up. Ah, the beauty of the internet. Of course, there's also facebook for those less inclined to whine to complete strangers.
Step 5: WHY DO I HAVE TO WRITE A STEP 5???[edit]
I've had enough of you people always criticizing me!! This article is done and as far as I'm concerned, you can learn how to whine by yourself!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Congratulations. If you are anywhere nearly as annoying as the author, then you have successfully learned how to whine.