HowTo:Understand the Watto-Qui Gon Bet
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The Watto-Qui Gon Bet has perplexed mathematicians and Galactic tax inspectors for years. The issue is so important to the Senate that Queen Amidala set up a 'comeetee' of tax inspectors to discern who owes what taxes, who won the bet and what the hell the bet was about. Watto's chief tax accountant was awarded the Maximegalon Institute's prize for extreme intelligence for using his special and advanced theory of Watto tax returns to prove that the fabric of Space-Time is not only curved, but is in fact completely non-existent.
The bet goes something like this: If Watto provides the entrance fee and the boy and if Qui Gon provides the pod (which Watto is really providing), then the winnings are split 50/50. If they lose then Watto loses the entrance fee and gets a Nubian ship that needs to be repaired. If they win then Watto also has to give either the boy or his mother to Qui Gon (depending on whether a chance cube lands on red or blue) and Watto gets all the winnings except the cost of the T-14 hyperdrive generator goes to Qui Gon.
Understanding the Bet
1. So it's another Friday night and you're stuck indoors with nothing to do. You weren't invited to any parties even though you have insisted that everyone adds the prefix 'Party' to your name. The ladies you usually court of a night are unavailable. Looks like it's time to stick in the VCR release of 'The Phantom Menace' to see if there are any discrepancies with the DVD, Bluray or HDDVD releases... again.
2. So you have been enjoying the film up till now, but it's time for the boring lull in action and confusing plot that you will face. Notice the terrible choice of landing party (Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, R2D2 and Padme) remember how funny this is for the entire time they are on Tatooine. It is the best part of the Tatooine section and might help you get through. Once it gets close to the most confusing and convoluted plot point of the movie get ready. Put down your Phantom Menace merchandised cup and your 12 year old Obi Wan themed popcorn bucket and brace yourself.
3. Pay attention and take down notes if you need to. Focus on what Watto an Qui-Gon are saying. No! Do not be distracted by Jar Jar's antics! Stay focused, grip the seat and grind your teeth. Is it over? Rewind the film watch this dialogue again. Refer to your notes. Do you remember what happens if Anakin wins the race? Tattoo this on your forehead now. This will help you remember.
4. Continue watching the film until the podrace is about to start. Did you notice that? The bet is changing. Refer to your notes and burn them. You will have to watch this scene multiple times. Now go back to step 3. Begin gnawing your arm now.
- If Sebulba can resist the urge to 'flash with his vents' for the whole race then Watto gets to keep Jar Jar.
- If Jar Jar has to pay that stall owner 'seven wupi-wupi' then the film gets an 18 rating
- If Anakin can knock out Greedo in the first round then our heroes can legally steal the Millennium Falcon
- If any Tuskan raider scores a headshot then Watto gets to keep Jar Jar
- If Anakin wins the design-a-flag contest then he gets a Cantina Band CD
- If Anakin's lame chat-up line works then Watto has to start visiting Gamblers Anonymous
- If Watto can scare the next naive outlander out of the shop within 30 seconds using his 'sweep the racks' joke then Anakin has to work Boonta Eve
- If Jabba does his Ozzy Osbourne impression then Watto gets to keep Jar Jar
- If Qui Gon wins at force baseball then he gets to keep Darth Maul's cool hover bike
In a popular deleted scene Watto takes up Qui Gon on his "Would you like to take this up with the Hutt's?" threat and charges him with fraud. The case is decided in a trial in Jabba's palace in what is seen by many as an attempt to exploit the popular courtroom drama scenario. Below is a transcript of the trial.
- "All rise... or, sort of move"
- "Case for the defendant"
- Watto-"As a small business owner I-a rely on Gambling everything I-a own in extremely risky bets. It's something I-a learned on Wall Street. At first i was going to bet-a every on Sebulba but this outlander, he tricked me, it wasn't a fair bet. I-a call-a my first witness"
- Jawa-"SQUAKWA-NEE-NEE-JABA! Squeeze ya balls or shoot-a!"
- Watto- "Well that was a very reasoned and concise statement. I call-a my second witness"
- Robot from Watto's shop - "Squaka-squaka squeaka squecka squaka squeak"
- Crowd Claps
- Qui-Gon - "Objection!"
- overruled, case for the defendant
- Qui-Gon - "I'm not the con-artist your looking for"
- Small Alien from back of courtroom - "He's not the con-artist we're looking for"
- Small Alien walks out but nobody else reacts
- Qui-Gon - "I call my first witness"
- Anakin - Qui-Gon is here to rescue the slaves. Why else would he be here? I've never won a race, well not exactly. It's not my fault, I was able to save the pod mostly... mostly. You have beautiful eyes, have you lost weight, you're hair looks really nice today.
- Qui-Gon - "Ugh, I call my second witness"
- Jar Jar - "Hello ther-e boyos. Meesa thinkin we no goten mullah to trade so Ani win da race. Yay go Ani! Meesa step in bantha doo-doo. Now Qui Gon in court, well that smells stinkerwit."
- Jabba - "See na-na pooda na jada"
- Jar Jar is thrown to the rancor
- Jabba - "Huuh-huuh-huuh-huuh-huuh"
- Qui-Gon - "Ugh... I'm not the con-artist you're looking for..."