HowTo:Survive the Meerkats' Alignment
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As you may or may not already know, meerkats everywhere are starting to align. They commonly stand together in groups, but now they are gathering on every point where a longitudinal and latitudinal line meet over land. This is known as the Meerkat Alignment. This is a sure sign that death will soon be upon us, for the meerkats only align to welcome the Flying Spaghetti Monster (or FSM) into our plane of existence. In most cultures this event is referred to as the end of the world, but such is not the case. It is in fact a glorious event where the FSM will come to reap the souls of all nonbelievers, and slay the Giant Brownie-muffin, a being who often leads believers into trolling and tempts them away from the one true deity.
The Signs of the Meerkat Alignment and the return of the FSM
Often it is hard to tell the meerkats are aligning due to the fact that most get run over or shot in heavily populated areas. There are four signs of the Meerkat Alignment to let it be known that the FSM is arriving from is Etheric Plane of existence. The signs happen in chronological order, starting with;
The Demon Monkey Finding His Orange
The demon monkey is a wild creature of magical decent. It has a mouth completely filled with teeth, two oddly shaped horns, and a very muscular body, capable of tearing an entire tree out of the ground. It was summoned from the same plane the FSM shall emerge from, and because of this it is the first to be effected by the return, even before the meerkats align. The moment it knows the FSM is to return, it starts off looking for it's orange. The orange is also from the etheric plane, and is the tool by which Chester will be awakened. Once he finds the orange, he will crush it and let it's juice drip into the Indian Ocean, causing the next sign to begin;
Chester The Magical Pencil
Chester the Magical Pencil is an odd character indeed. From the Astral Plane, he is capable of turning drawings real. He also however has the ability to open inter dimensional portals to both the Etheric and Astral planes. He uses his power to feed the FSM curious little earth girls (they have the tastiest souls). Long ago he was defeated by an entire school staff armed with pink-pearl erasers. He was dropped in the middle of the ocean, along with five tons of sand to make sure he stayed down. But with the power of the orange juice in the ocean, he can easily break free and resurface. His strange rituals have been captured only once in history on video by Scad Shorts in the short film Pencil Face.
The Dotted Green Plague
Marked by small green specs appearing all over the body, the Dotted Plague entails certain death. It first came around in the 600s and killed thousands, nearly half the Earths population! Luckily because of how thinly spread people were back then, it fizzled out quickly. But now it can be spread more rapidly than before. The virus is waterborne and airborne, and remained dormant in the Orange until it was crushed. The virus can only live for a length of about a week luckily, but the death tolls would be immeasurable. Every hour, an infected person can infect about one thousand others. The infected will develop the tell-tale green dots within seven hours of contracting the disease, and will die about an hour later. The only way to escape the plague is to either be lucky enough to live in an unaffected area or to totally quarantine yourself for at least 8 days, making sure to drink only water bottled before the outbreak.
The Head of Constantinople
The Head of Constantinople is a lesser deity spawned from the FSM himself. Born into our universe, it travels on Haley's comet most of the time, though it hitches a ride on a few asteroids every now and then. It keeps a watchful eye on Earth, while destroying other any alien species trying to make contact, as he would prefer to keep the humans isolated. In the event of the Dotted Plague, he would descend to Earth in order to get Chester to open a portal and to lull the human population into a false sense of comfort. He would then bring forth the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster into our realm to begin the process of extermination.
Surviving the Spotted Green Plague
The spotted green plague, as described above, is released when the demon monkey crushes his orange. To get a head start on quarantining yourself, flee to a remote area if you the demon monkey is seen with his orange or you notice meerkats in your city. Buy water not recently bottled, as the fresh water may have already been contaminated. Buy non perishable foods and for the love of god remember a can opener. No sense starving yourself from forgetfulness. Keep away from any animals. This is what the food is for. The worst thing to do is try to hunt down your food, as almost any species can carry the plague. After hiding out for eight days, return to your now corpse infested town. You may what to light a match.
Surviving the Meerkats
When the FSM returns, the meerkats will be his method of cleansing. They have underground tunnels throughout the entire world's infra structure. At the command of the FSM they will break out of the ground and reclaim the Earth as the chosen and dominant species. There are ways of combating the attack, but there is no way of avoiding it. When they surface they will kill everything in sight, for the believers in the FSM will have already ascended. Among the ways of fighting them is to:
- Find and/or make a fortification with only one entrance. If you can pinpoint where they will come in, taking them down with a chain gun becomes a much more feasible task.
- Buy a meerkat costume on the internet or have a biochemist turn you into one. If directly confronted by a meerkat you will be discovered, but you should remain safe until the frenzy ends.
- Befriend the mongooses or otters. The mongooses should be already assembled somewhere in south Jersey waiting for the war to come. Fighting on the side of the Giant Brownie-Muffin, they will be open to helping most anyone against the FSM. Likewise, the otters (assembled somewhere in mid-Slovakia) will help most anyone who doesn't ascend upon the FSM's second coming. These otters are atheist and are only on the side of survival. They have already been oppressed by meerkats once in history and would surely be wiped out if meerkats became the dominant species on Earth.
- The final way to survive the Meerkats is, of course, to let the FSM into your heart, allowing you to ascend to the heavens and be exempt from the violence soon to come.
The coming war is not to be taken lightly. There is no way to avoid it. No one will be spared. Fighting will cover every square inch of the earth. And possibly the moon too. Most everyone in government is a follower of the FSM, and so weapons will be easy to come by. The bloodshed wil be enough to fill the Nile river for 3026 seconds straight.
Tahn is the first born of the Sacred Meerkats. He will control the land units of the meerkat militia. He will most likely strike India first, because he's a racist and hates their accents. Plus he thought Slum Dog Millionaire was terrible.
Myrddin (MER-thin) is the second of the Sacred Meerkats. His appointed domain is the Under-Fortress. The Under-Fortress is a granite fortification two hundred feet below the surface of the earth. He commands all the under ground activities, and can literally undermine entire cities in a matter of days.
The third Sacred Meerkat is Rohan. Protector of the skies, her main mission is to search out and destroy hiding humans and the mongoose/otter forces. You may be thinking to yourself "Wait, meerkats can't fly!" Well they can if they use planes, genius.
And last but not least, the youngest of the Sacred Meerkats, Paul. He doesn't do much.
Owl bear is a flying bear with the head of an owl. Know for his extremely violent tendencies, his catch phrase is a very crude pun: "How many bites does it take to get to the center of your skull? Let's find out!"
The oldest of the ancients in the Pastafarian texts, Furby is one crazy sonofa. He can shoot tadpoles from his eyes (it's actually very painful), make peoples ears bleed when it speaks, and can even self-destruct if necessary. And Furby has a very loose definition of necessary.
Trogdor was a man/dragon-man/just a dragon. He can often be found burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants, and/or burninating the people in their thatched roof cottages. He can only be killed by first being lulled to sleep by the sound Squidlee and Meedlee's lute duels.
Thanks to our suburbian on the inside, who helped us to get this important information