HowTo:Survive in a video game

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So, you fear being sucked into a video game? Don't feel discouraged, because being sucked into a video game is actually a very common occurrence, especially among gamers. If you do get sucked into a video game, you will be unable to read this guide, so hopefully you have a good memory.

How to avoid being sucked into a video game[edit]

Being a hardcore gamer has little to no impact on being sucked into a video game. However acting like one, e.g. being a halotard, will greatly enhance your chances. Except for MMOs, games you are sucked into will often have complex plotlines or extra thick plot armour for various characters to compensate for their unpopularity. Minigame compilations are generally safe, as are sports games. However, many have argued over the years that these genres are not actually games at all, and are more deadly than being sucked into a real game.

Definitely stay away from labs and anything to do with science. It also helps to stay away from magic books. If you are not sure if the book you have is magic, read to see if it is written in a writing you cannot understand. If so, avoid reading it and above all, do not wish to be inside a video game out loud. Strangely enough, it is useful to wish for money, power, and more wishes, but just not in that order. You are advised to make your wishes as detailed as possible to avoid nasty trade offs that come along with your wish. Once you have done so, quickly sleep, as right after you have fallen asleep, your wish would come into effect.

How to determine if you are inside a video game[edit]

So you got sucked into something anyway. Do not panic, this is not a video game. If this was a video game, you would have been unable to read this guide. Most of the time you have been sent to the past, absorbed into a book, or stuck in a movie. Just to be safe, you should probably continue reading this guide.

  1. Check if you still have your normal clothes. If so, you are probably not in a game, however you may be in a movie or more likely the past. Usually being in the past means you have a severe character flaw you must resolve before you can return home, but check out a different guide for more information. Alternatively, if you are naked, you are also not inside a video game.
  2. Check if you can be impaled. In most video games, you cannot be impaled, you can only be stabbed and lose HP. If this does happen, you have been sucked into a TV show.
  3. Check if it feels anything like a video game. Is the environment fully interactive? Can characters act independently? If so, you have not arrived in a video game. It is not uncommon, however, for TV characters to be sucked into video games, so you may be inside a fake video game in a real TV show.
  4. Check if there are lots of Mexicans, or people-animal hybrids. You have been sucked into PBS kids. You will know for sure it is PBS kids when you see talking animals, or seemingly dangerous mythical creatures that turn out to be completely passive.
  5. Check if characters talk in a single tone no matter what their expression is. Also check that good characters talk in a normal-pitched voice while bad guys talk in voices so low-pitched that they would make Bin Laden cry for not being evil enough. If this is true, you are likely in 4Kids. You were probably sucked into the TV and then sucked into a video game on the show. To make sure, look for extreme usage of puns and lots of evil clones.
  6. Have you been "chosen"? If so, you are not in a video game. Or they may have programmed the video game only for people that get sucked into it.
  7. Are all the girls nearby not wearing much clothing for an unspecified reason? If so, you are most definitely in a video game. Or you were sucked into one of those "forbidden no no" games Mommy told you never to play and the developers tell you never to let Mommy know you played them.
  8. Is the video game an unrealistic sci-fi game, usually involving giant robots? These games are nearly always played with a single button, with the amount and speed of button mashing determining the skill of the player. These games are responsible for 90% of sucking people into games. However recent scientific research reveals that these games don't actually suck people in and were invented for the sole purpose of sucking in fictional characters.
  9. Are you consuming a long, yellow fruit with a peel, or one that formerly had a peel? If so, you have not been sucked into a video game, but are actually eating a banana. After successful consumption of the banana, return to your everyday life. If consumption is unsuccessful, go see a doctor.
  10. Check to see if people can talk to you. If a box appears below you with words in it along with your only two options of conversation, then you are most assuredly in a video game. Quickly choose cancel to end your conversation.
  11. Try cutting yourself. If you do not bleed, but instead a number appears above your head, then you are in a video game (probably an RPG).
  12. If seemingly harmless animals such as turtles and mushrooms can kill you upon contact, then you are, or you have become, Mario.
  13. If the game does not start and a looming box above you asks you to switch on Flash Player, you most definitely are in a game, a flash game, and if you do not have the last version of Flash Player installed inside you, or you have not memorized every last line of code for Flash Player, we are sorry to inform you that we really cannot help you.

Assessing the situation[edit]

So you know you are inside a video game. But which one exactly? Chances are, you were sucked into a game you recently played or thought about. Since most of the time you have not completed the game you are sucked into, you will still have a lot of work to do.

The first step is to determine what your goal is. This is inversely proportional to the difficulty.

  • You want to save the universe. These games are easy.
  • You want to save the Earth. These games are still pretty easy.
  • You want to save your country. These games are meh.
  • You want to save your town. Usually hard.
  • You want to be the guy. Ignore all advice given by this guide so far and run to the nearest apple. Kill yourself by jumping into it.
  • You want to DESTROY the universe/earth/country/town/guy. Easiest ones available.
  • You want to get out of HorrorLand. Do so by finding all 6 ticket pieces. Hardest one available.

If you still have not figured out what genre of game you are in, do not forget, yell out "Fire!" at the top of your lungs while pointing at an enemy. If firemen rush to that enemy, you are in a pretty normal game. If artillery starts raining down on their position, you can be sure you are in a strategy/warfare game and that you are on the American side. If your enemy starts panicking and running, you are not in a game, but in a crowded theater. If a fireball comes out, you are in a fantasy game. To be extra sure, yell "fira!" to see if it is Final Fantasy. This will not work if you are a low leveled peasant.

What to do[edit]

You have determined exactly where, when, and how screwed you are. Now is time to take action.

Cheat Codes[edit]

If the game you are in has any cheat codes, especially invincibility, be sure to use them all. Also be sure to type in any damage multiplier cheats so you can pwn much faster. If cheat codes are not available, and have been replaced by friggin achievements, then be sure to look for useful glitches.

Dealing with the bad guy[edit]

Check if there are any characters from ancient times that stand out or are worthy of note. (Now you wish you had paid more attention in history class, don't you) If so, check for an evil one. This character is likely the final boss. Sometimes they will appear at the beginning of the game to kick your ass, but most times they are summoned by a foolish bad guy who is soon overcome by the evil power of the ancient bad guy. If there are no ancient bad guys, then the villain is either from recent times or is the good guy from ancient times who turns out to be evil.

Typically, these villains can only be destroyed with the incredibly powerful magic or a .700 Nitro Express left behind on this world by the ancients before they disappeared for no given reason. Ancients tend to leave behind power crystals or other magic objects in the form of precious gems, and collecting about 7 or 9 of these should suffice. It is recommended that if the ancient evil has not yet been awakened, you should place the crystals in different hard-to-reach places. Most people choose a desert, a snowy mountain, a haunted house, a volcano, a jungle, a city, a conspicuously placed cave in someone's cellar, and a castle. If you do not put them all in different places, they will be found and scattered by the evil villains anyway and put in even harder-to-reach places.

Usually the magic sword can be found in a pedestal in a forest. The old guy at your home village will tell you how. But you should ignore his "wisdom" and just focus on the part about where it is, since old guys like to talk about stuff nobody cares about.

Should you encounter the ultimate bad guy early in the game, accept your death. You will soon wake up unconscious on a bed nearby, despite dying or be asked to restart the game. Or, more likely, the ultimate best alpha really good good guy will appear seemingly out of nowhere to save your ass upon your miserable defeat.

Other information of note[edit]

First and most importantly, destroy all friendly robots. They WILL turn evil eventually if you don't. Also destroy all secret information, since it will be uncovered eventually if you don't. Unless the good guy's base is of any importance (mainly if the game is a strategy game), it's highly recommended you flatten the whole thing.

Gather up as much stuff as possible. It should all fit in your pocket. If the game has a status effects system, don't use it because it almost never works. Make sure to check each local town for weapons and armor stores. Typically a town looks like this:

  • 1 inn. Here you can listen to drunks, which is always half the town.
  • 1 weapons store. Always more powerful than the last town you went to.
  • 1 armor store. Stronger than the last town too.
  • 5 citizens walking in circles. They enjoy bringing up irrelevant topics when you walk near them.
  • 0 houses. No one really knows where these people live, sleep, or work, they just do.
  • 1 secret building. Its hard to find, but treasure or really important stuff is inside!
  • 1 castle bigger than the entire town, just for the purpose of the king and his military which is bigger than the entire population yet does nothing.
  • At least 1 person who is essential to your quest and has an actual name that isn't labeled as "man" or "woman".
  • 1 or more characters who join you on your quest. usually they are obviously outstanding from the rest of the townsfolk.

Unlike in movies, bombs do not have glitches that cause them to stop at 0:00:01. So hurry up if someone is about to blow something up. If one does explode, you will be completely unharmed by the shrapnel. And remember, being impaled will not kill you.

Degrees of absorption[edit]

  • First degree: You got sucked into your computer, which happened to be playing a game. Scream at people who pass by to let you out, and pray that it doesn't go on screensaver. If someone does find you, they should be able to get you out from the USB port.
  • Second degree: You got sucked into the game while playing it. Same as first degree, but there is no screensaver. However there is no USB port either. To get out, someone else will need to download you on to a memory card and press the convenient button on the card for "release human". If your little brother "accidentally" presses "delete human", you will, unfortunately for you and fortunately for your brother, be deleted.
  • Third degree. You got sucked into the game disc. The only real way out is to beat the game.
  • Fourth degree. The world turns into the game! You better beat it, or everyone is collectively screwed.
  • Fifth degree. The game turns into the world! You better collectively screw everyone, or the game will be beaten.
  • Sixth degree. The game has been huffed/hacked/sniffing white powder. There's really no way to get out of this one.
  • Seventh degree. There's also no way to actually get out of this one, except there is a small chance you became the game, so you no longer can be sucked, instead, you have to suck others. This really sucks.