HowTo:Scam your home insurer
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Scamming your home insurance is rather that of an art. Doing it requires time, patience, and being able to lie when needed.
But why would I want to do this?
Well, that's simple! Being a human, one of your main instincts is to get rich quick, pay off bad debts, get a new car, rent a hooker, the works! But all these things require money, which is hard to come by in modern times. Plus, those fatcats in Washington at your home insurance company will happily collect money for your insurance, but odds are you may never claim off it! Well instead, you can stick it to them and claim back every penny you've ever payed them by scamming their cash before their very eyes and not have to show up with a gun and do forty to life with murder in the 1st!
Ok, so what do I do before I claim?
Firstly, you need something to be able to claim over. There are many, many things that can you can do to ensure you have a case, including:
- Giving your 5 year old child a box of matches and a bucket of petrol. By doing this, your child will make sure that there is no evidence that you yourself burnt down the house. However, it is very important to make sure the child is wearing flame-retardant clothing, as the clothes catching fire is not a good idea. Also, make sure you remove all important items and pets. If you do not trust your 5 year old child to do it sensibly, using a can of petrol yourself is a very good idea.
- Break a window and "burgle" yourself. This is quite a good way to do it as you'll still have a house, and provided you have a willing counterpart, you will be able to hide all the "stolen" goods in their basement. A good way to add the authenticity is to break your living room window, as then the company can't complain that you left your door unlocked.
- Nothing will get your house more bashed up like a drunken party. Throwing one with the strongest beer available in the local supermarket is a good start, and afterward simply blaming it on a riot localised outside your house will do the rest.
I've ruined my house. Fancy that... What's next?
Now that your house is a smoldering pile of ash and your processions are safely secured at a friend's house, it's time for the next step; phoning the company! At this stage, you should try putting on the tears to make it sound real. Get another friend to punch you, watch a sad movie, something that gets the taps flowing. At this point, the person on the other end may seem skeptical, so this is where you have sound like a dying walrus, cursing that your family needs this for basic shelter and furniture. If you pass the task, the operator will send an inspector over to your house to assess the damage, if not, you have failed.
So I managed to get the inspector over, now what?
Now is the point where you hide any evidence that might have been left from the act. This may include any matches, beer cans, rave music, melted buckets, etc. When the inspector comes, make it look convincing. Don't wash and blame the stress of the incident, and don't be afraid to blame it for any past redundancies that you may have experienced. If it looks legit, he'll believe you, and you'll have a sum of cash in your pocket! Congratulations, you have claimed back years of home insurance payed to your greedy insurer.
Wait, doesn't this mean my premium will go up?!?!
Well... with the many thousands you earned from the act, that slight increase in the amount of insurance you pay won't be close to that you scammed off your insurer! Just remember to claim your valuables back off your friends who may or may not have been hiding your stuff in their basement. Just remember, if they ask for cash, remind them friendships aren't based on money.