HowTo:Revolt against a totalitarian government

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"You there! Up against the wall! Why don't you have the standardized amount of mustache hairs!? I don't care if you're female, stop being sexist!"

Do these words sound familiar to you? Well, probably not, because there are no girls on the intarwebz, but something along these lines? Well, then, if so, you're probably sick of it. If you've been nodding your head this whole time, then I believe it's time to learn how to revolt against a totalitarian government.

Step 1: Make sure you're living in said government[edit]

You certainly don't want to end up blowing everything up with nuke-firing miniguns only to discover you were actually living in a democracy and just had a really lousy boss, now do you? Well, I sure don't. So here are some easy questions to ask yourself and those around you to see if your government is, indeed, totalitarian.

  • Is everybody wearing the same clothes?
  • Are there large signs on the walls saying things like "Oscar Wilde is watching you" and/or "Wikipedia is knowledge; Peace is peace;Leisure is freedom"
  • Have you been beaten by a government worker with a foot-or-more long stick comprised of a hard substance in the last four days? No innuendo intended, mind you.
  • Does all the food taste like crap, even if it's not served by schools?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, it's probably totalitarianism. Great. Now you can start getting into the fun stuff.

Common Totalitarian Food

Step 2: Identify the ruler[edit]

Every totalitarian government has somebody who's pushing all the buttons, and you need to find out who that is. He will often have his face plastered on multiple surfaces around the city, usually with the words "OBEY" or "SEXY" written underneath. The latter is a great graffiti target. Take note of this.

He may also make occasional, if not frequent, appearances on TV to reprimand the public for their wrongdoings. This is the guy you're after.

Step 3: Fire, and lots of it[edit]


Matches. Blowtorches. Flamethrowers. Anything that you can use to start a fire, stock up on it. When you have a lot, burn things. Lots of things. Burn down government buildings, propaganda, houses of people who support the government. Obviously try to do it without being caught, but if you do get caught, you can always try to burn anyone who catches you. This article may be of assistance.

Step 4: Build your army[edit]

almost there...

Are you a necromancer? If so, this will be easy. Kill of a bunch of people, then revive them as zombies in your zombie army.

In the case that you're not a necromancer, this will be tricky. The idea is to get people to know you're revolting without letting the government know. Start off with your closest friends - the people you know you can trust. Ask them to tell their best friends. Keep this up, and you should hopefully have a large amount of supporters with you.

Step 5: Destroy everything[edit]

Now that you have a big army on your side, it's time to begin the destruction. Gather weapons. Then use them on everything that moves and anything that doesn't move but looks breakable. They're hard to come by, but if you happen upon a tank, use it to its fullest extent. If you're living in Half-Life 2, try to get the Gravity Gun.

One thing to remember is that once you get to this step, there's no turning back, so don't hold back when it comes to blowing up everything. If you need to blow up your house, go ahead. If you don't and fail because of it, the government is certainly going to be coming after you, and they'll destroy your home anyway.

Step 6: Get to the source[edit]

No, not THAT kind of revolting! I mean like fighting back! Rebellion!

See that big central building? Good. Go there. If there is no central building, you might want to check over Step 1, because every totalitarian government has a big central building. And don't tell me you destroyed it in Step 5. It's too well guarded to do that with just a small army and maybe a tank.

So you'll have to go inside. Get your army together and use it to infiltrate the center. Bring every weapon you can to get inside. Blow up the guards, the walls, everything. Just rampage around the building until you stumble upon the leader.

Step 7: Kill the leader[edit]

K, now this one takes guts. You have to kill the big dictator man. It doesn't matter how you do it, just make sure he's down. It's actually easier than it sounds, because the leader is usually so over-confident in his security that the actual room he sits in is poorly guarded.Pottasium starts with a silent m.

Step 8: Rule with an iron fist[edit]

So you won. The government's down, the leader is dead, and the city looks like Godzilla had a panic attack. Now you're the new leader, and you can rule however you like. If you choose a totalitarian government yourself, watch out, because the same thing could happen to you.

But anyway, just remember that a destructive government is a happy government. At least that's what Bush taught us.