HowTo:Murder a piece of Blu-tack
“If you meet it promptly and without flinching - you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from Blu-tack. Never!”
Since its creation in 1969 in a laboratory experiment gone horribly wrong, blu-tack has plagued mankind. No corner of the planet is safe from the blue menace. Every day people are injured and killed the world over by falling wall ornaments; released with deadly accuracy by the treacherous adhesive. Every day walls are scarred by blue tack clinging to the paint. Every day children suffer the horrible consequences of mistaking blu-tack for chewing gum. Every day we suffer under the tyranny of our own creation. But no longer! For too long have we been idle against this threat. Together we WILL fight back, and WE WILL PREVAIL. But it will not be easy. Our enemy cannot be killed by sword or by mallet. It can hide in the smallest of places and reproduce at will. Only with this guide, will we have a guide.
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Blu-tack killing in the home
“For even the lowliest housewife can help the war effort”
Death by cooking
You will need:
- 1 Frying pan
- 1 Wooden spoon
- 1 large sledgehammer
- 200g basmati rice
- 1 green pepper
- 1 medium sized onion
- 5 small prawns
- vegetable oil
- bacon (optional)
Fry the onions in vegetable oil over a moderate flame until caramelised before adding rice and other main ingredients (omit the bacon for a vegetarian alternative). Ensure the intended victim(s) are nearby and can smell the delicious aromas arising from your pan. As you add the seasoning, surreptitiously slip some kind of soft plastic/rubber like compound into the pan and stir. Next take up your sledgehammer and run around your kitchen screaming the Dutch national anthem and destroying everything in sight. This will not only help to strengthen your resolve, but also to distract any blue tack from the change in smell. By the time they notice the poisonous fumes it will be too late for them to save themselves. A slow painful death will ensue for any blu-tack which is breathing at the time.
Vacuum for Victory
Pretty straight-forward this one. First buy a vacuum cleaner. Preferably a high quality dyson or something like that, but for you traditionalists out there an old-fashioned Hoover will do nicely. Then find your Blu-tack and switch on your vacuum cleaner. With the racket the machine makes you will be able to torture the Blu-tack as much as you like without anyone hearing it scream.
Alternatively buy the Dyson-XCV4 Death Ray and zap the bastards to hell and back.
Win the war, lose the pounds!
Fighting Blu-tack can be tough and it's important to stay in peak physical condition. But how can you find time to keep fit when you're busy saving the planet? Here are a few tried and tested ways for doing both at once.
Invented by the makers of the film Space Jam, this is kind of like basket ball, except with a lump of Blu-tack instead of a ball. Oh yeah, and instead of scoring through hoops you get points for launching the thing into outer space. Come on, if a bunch of weedy aliens and a cartoon rabbit can do it then so can you.
This probably won't destroy actually destroy the Blu-tack, but it will keep those beautiful bulging muscles on your arms and chest toned and glistening. Which is almost as important. Make sure you record yourself doing this and send me the tape so it can be used to inspire your fellow man to strive harder towards the ultimate destruction of our enemy. Once you've made the punchbag, strip to the waist. Slowly. Now punch the bag! Harder, Harder! Yes! Yes! Good. Now for a full work out it's really necessary to remove any restrictions to your movement such as those trousers...
Cast it into the fiery chasm from whence it came
A lot of effort, but if you follow this method you won't know yourself once you're finished. Hell, you probably won't finish at all! For full details you can purchase the explanatory video online, although we do not recommend this method at all if you have any objections to slaughtering innocent orcs, listening to incessant dramatic music or rolling back your eyes and moaning in a pathetic manner.
The American Way
“In a moment of decision the best thing you can blow up is blu-tack. The worst thing you can blow up is nothing”