HowTo:Make up Fake Dan Quayle Jokes
Making up Dan Quayle quotes is a rewarding American experience enjoyed by people who enjoy things that are enjoyable. From the retired to the retarded, the Japanese-office-slave to lazy house wives, from rich day-traders to scraping by on food stamps, everyone loves fake Dan Quayle Jokes. Even Dan Quayle likes them.
Dan Quayle isn't that forgotten mistake everyone thought he would be. Laughing at a man who had no memorable qualities except saying incomprehensible stupidities is a naturally fun activity. No making fun of him would be illogical. Even if you are chronically depressed, you can brush aside the sadness by making up a quote or two. It's a richly rewarding experience.
Dan Quayle, a good sport of a man, makes up his own quotes about himself on a daily basis even at important events and parties. It is a real energy booster to a failing party when Dan Quayle shows up and starts making fun of himself. Who wouldn't punch someone in the face to get into a party like that?
Other former vice presidents are so jelous in their shadowy obscurity that they die a little when they hear a Dan Quayle joke. America has room for only one imbecilic former vice-president and they have already made their selection. Dan Quayle.
The line must be drawn between parody and insults. Making fun of Dan Quayle directly is considered low-brow and will make one lose face and their standing amongst their peers. Don't make fun of him. Make up fake quotes. Richly rewarding fake quotes.
Nothing is needed except a sense of humour and a disposition to rich and rewarding experiences. The premise is, Dan Quayle should be made fun of, and the best way to do that is quote him, but with quotes that he never said. No, they must be quotes that you make up on the spot. Rewardingly simple and richly fun.
The direct process
1. Announce that you will make up a fake quote by Dan Quayle.
2. Get your audience riled up.
3. Tell a warm up quote, maybe a quote by Dick Cheney. Perhaps a quote about his lesbian daughter. Or any mediochrely funny quote. Its a richly rewarding warm up.
4. Make up a quote.
5. Attribute it to Dan Quayle.
6. Laugh and laugh and keep laughing extending the laughter until people get uncomfortable.
7. Keep laughing until people find the absurdity of the exaggerated laughter funny and watch them start to laugh again.
8. Flatulate if you are a man or queef if you are a woman.
9. Attribute that to Dan Quayle.
10. Laugh until there are no more tears in your tear ducts.
The indirect process
1. Say something important or interrupt someone at dinner and talk.
2. Spout something outlandish out that makes you seem stupid or incompetent.
3. Watch peoples confused reaction.
4. Stay totally silent while people scan each others eyes in the room trying to make sense of the situation.
5. Attribute the made up quote to Dan Quayle.
6. Hilarity will ensue and you will be the hit of the conference/meeting/dinner. Nothing makes people like you more than delivering a rich experience on a plate, well timed and laughing at the expense of Dan Quayle in a rewarding way.
The improvised process
1. Say any quote at all.
2. Attribute the quote to Dan Quayle.
3. Pray to god people find it funny.
4. Laugh with everyone or run for the door as quick as you can.
The double dutch oven process
1. Tell an absurd quote.
2. Attribute it to Dan Quayle.
3. Flatulate while in bed and pull the sheets over your lovers face while you slowly count down from 100.
The reverse Dan Quayle made up quote
2. Announce that you have attributed a quote about Dan Quayle.
3. Say the quote.
4. Say hello to your friends.
5. Enter the room.
6. Walk towards the door.
7. Leave your house.
8. Go to the bathroom.
9. Wake up.
10. Go to sleep.
11. Memorise your make up Dan Quayle quote.
12. Come up with a really good fake Dan Quayle quote.
What not to do
It is uncouth to make up a quote by Dan Quayle if Dan Quayle actually said it. This is pugnacious. Great care should be taken, as one could fill a University Library with stunningly retarded things the ex Vice-President said. So even if the quote you made up is stupid and funny, be sure he didn't actually say it.
It is rude to make up a quote by Dan Quayle and then attribute it to yourself. People know what you are doing. Americans spent much of their lives listening to Dan Quayle say god-aweful ignorant kaka. Making people re-live those dark-days and then taking credit for it is douchey to say the least.
It is dangerous to tell a made up Dan Quayle quote and forget to attribute it at all. Your audience will spend the rest of their lives waiting for the punchline and will be unable to engage with you in any way until you attribute it properly. Even if you flail a million dollar in front of them, they wont react to anything you do or say until you clear up their confused "brain loop" system error. You could be freshly shot or suffer a severe heart attack and they will not call 9-1-1 as they cannot process anything you say or do in their current state. Once you attribute the quote to Dan Quayle, they will immediately conduct CPR or call and ambulance and will be shocked to see that you have been shot or suffered a heart problem.
Backwards tribes and Dan Quayle Jokes
Americans are not the only people who enjoy richly rewarding experiences. Barbarian tribesmen who hunt other humans for their livers also play the game. They barricade their fellow females in a small cave while they menstruate and then spend the evening by a fire making up DQ quotes. Even without contact to the civilized world, to those who do not eat human livers or segregate menstruating women, they have no trouble making up some pretty good Dan Quayle jokes.
Larger groups of Barbarians have monthly inter-tribal competitions. The winner gets to marry any teenager of their choice and is respected for the rest of their short lives. It is a richly agreeable experience for all and brings about a form of world peace, something Dan Quayle never strived for.
Dolphins are considered the champions of making up Dan Quayle quotes and do so at a speed that humans could only wish they could. Dolphins find the experience so richly rewarding that they are known to laugh themselves silly until they drown.
The Zorg-o-zots of Xomicron are avid "fake Dan Quayle quote" players. They waste hours making up quotes by an obscure man on an insignificant planet. It is so easy and yet so richly rewarding that these aliens who don't even have mouths have invented hand held devices which feed out made up Dan Quayle quote, using Dan Quayle's actual voice.
Dan Quayle was offered an advance of an undisclosed quantity of millions for an anthology of Dan Quayle quotes. It will be released as a ten part encyclopedia organised by theme, style and level of sophistication. It will include a large glossary that explains many of the reoccurring memes and toilet humour common in Dan Quayle quotes. The e-version is already available in downloadable form which is 2 terabytes in size. It is the most popular app at the apple and windows store. Android has not yet released the app due to concerns about excessive toilet humour and descriptions of naked children.
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