HowTo:Found a language

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Language is a complex modern annoyance that takes a complete **** to make, But if you are not a dork in your basement making your own version of Klingon who loves making future people suffer learning the language, no worries.

The Name:

The name represents your language, make it good don't be a major douche and call it something like Klingon. The language name must not have a complex and anal way to say it. The name is better if your name (the creator of the language) is not in it, if you do that you are a cock*** bragger. It is a Language don't take it too seriously (like we already aren't by creating this Uncyclopedia Page). Make it unique and not stupid, for example Americanese may sound cool, but you will get an email saying you are a massive idiot. "The reason?" you may ask, the name is more "cool" if it is unique by not being named after anything else(especially your name).

The writing and sound of your language:

The Alphabet of any language is confusing, misleading and most of the time a bit excessive. The alphabet must also not be like the Chinese language unless you would like to design 200,000 symbols for every word ever invented (Which is a bit sad due to you probably missing your Star Trek Klingon meeting of the the intergalactic Society of dumbf**ks). It also must not be like the English Alphabet, where the letters have nothing to do with how they are pronounced. The alphabet of any language is a touchy subject to explain. All that is definite about an Alphabet is that is the backbone of your language.

Then there are the sounds. If you want the language to be simple, stick to easy sounds. Perhaps you can come up with a language that uses only the sound "ah" in "father", triggered at different speeds like Morse Code. But if you wanna be more unique, try more irriitating and alien sounds. Some suggestions:

• The infamous gurgle sound in "achmed the dead terrorist"
• The sounds of the Africans, tsk tsk pop click whistle
• Raspberries
• A glide up and down when pronouncing words
• The sound of suffocation
• Blow a harmonica when you need to use the bathroom

Also, it is possible to make a language without the mouth, using hand claps and sign language.

The words

Making words is a difficult task, especially for an entire language. Try dropping a fork or bowling ball on the table, on your foot, or on your dog/cat, and record whatever sounds come out. Bring a dictionary, and then assign each noise to a word. You can have all the words be one syllable, but pronounced with strange tones like Chinese, or you can have a language for nerds with long words like Antidisestablishmentarianism.

For profanities, use the names of people you hate. If your teacher or boss is named "John Smith", and you hate him, use "john" or "smith" as a profanity.

The grammar

Grammar is all up to you. There are many ways to word the sentence "the boy walks the dog".

• Boring Style "The boy walks the dog"
• Object-before-verb "The boy dog walks"
• Yoda style "Dog, the boy walks"
• In Soviet Russia "Dog walks boy"

You can come up with a gender for everything, even if it doesn't have a wiener or va-J-J. Like in Spanish, the book is male, while the table is female, and the desk is male. And when there ARE parts like that, be backwards. The cord goes into the phone, but the phone is male, and the cord is female.

Have all these conjugations for various different persons, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 7th, 100th, etc. Also require separate conjugations for female things or whatever classes, and case inflection, and many more irritating features of grammar that will leave people wondering why they even bothered learning your tongue.

The the

How will you say "the"? There are some languages that lack this word. The language of English has "the", but it is pronounced two different ways, depending on whether the next letter is a consonant or vowel. Spanish has four words for "the", that depend on gender and number. Greek has many more ways that depend on gender and case. Perhaps you can make all these different distinctions that require 100 the's.

The speakers

Will my language ever become one of the Big Boy languages?

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! You are more likely to be struck by lightning five times on the pinky finger and then win the lottery. The major general-purpose languages have already been created. If you wanna be involved in that, take a time machine back 8000 years.

But

You still have a chance at getting speakers. For example, Klingon is spoken by nerds and geeks like Sheldon at Star Trek conventions. Or if you are a student, you can spread the language around the school as a way of cussing or spreading information that the Teacher would punish you for saying in English. Make it a secret language. What is the fun of a secret language if it is spread around the globe and used everyday?