HowTo:Cook the books

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Welcome to another of Delia's cooking courses.

Today we'll learn how to Cook the books! This is a personal favourite of mine, involving lots of Penguins, spices (charisma and manipulation), delicate timing and most of all, it can also cater for a large amount of people!

The Recipe[edit]

First Things First[edit]

First Things first, for this recipe, you'll need:

  • 250g of an accountancy degree
  • One position with access to large amounts of money
  • Several (six or 1337 is a good number) creditable positions (so if you're discovered then you can lie successfuly)
  • 500ml of good Spin Doctor™ juice
  • 8 good ways of pleasing your boss (usually involves cooking them a souflée-not easy, so see below)
  • A fake CV

And finally,

  • An emergency arson kit-just in case things get a little dicey

Second Things Second[edit]

  • Take your accountancy degree and whisk gently for 5-6 mins.
  • Leave to settle while you mash up the CV. Then mix in a bowl and add dollops into a pre-heated baking tray.
  • Pre-heat oven to Fahrenheit 451 degrees.
  • Place Tray in oven and bake for 20 minutes.
  • Meanwhile, as your fraud surprise is baking, you will need to prepare the 'Spin Sauce®'. Mix 1 part Spin Doctor™ Juice to 4 parts water.

You may wish to change the strength of the 'Spin Sauce®' to your liking, depending on how much risk you like in preparing this.

  • Leave the Sauce to settle and then remove the Fraud Surprise from the Oven. This may be extremely, hot, especially in the the fire of insider-trading ovens.
  • Let the Fraud cool, and then dribble the sauce over the top of the surprise.

Third Things Third[edit]

Now, as the basis for your fraud dish is now in waiting to be served, the last thing you need to do is essential - else you'll get your just desserts! (Oh dear!):

  • Take the 8 good ways to please your boss and place them on a small sleaze-proof baking tray, so that none of it leaks out.
  • Then shape them into small packages and place under grill.
  • When golden-brown, then remove them, and place the piping hot packages around your office. Your boss should be tempted to open them, and soon you will be mega rich!