HowTo:Change a Lightbulb

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Welcome to the exciting and mysterious world of changing a light bulb. Many foolhardy people have tried to change a light bulb without this indispensable manual. The vast majority of them and have been badly burned and some have even perished. In fact, during the creation of this manual, four of our colleagues died due to the extremely hazardous nature of this procedure. It is with this in mind that we caution you; until you have mastered the techniques with realistic simulations:

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

Materials

This military simulator is among those found at the US Army hazardous duty school at Ft. Leonardwood, MO.

You will need the following:

• A spare bulb
• Another bulb replacement, for when the first one breaks or explodes
• A rubber bulb
• A helmet
• A flack vest
• A bucket of water
• Night vision goggles
• Several rubber Halloween masks
• A ghost whisperer
• A suit made of glowsticks
• A metallic ladder (optional)
• A cyanide pill: if you do not succeed, be an hero
• The Qur'an
• An exhaustive dictionary of common and archaic English
• About nine liters of gasoline
• A stick of dynamite (use plastic explosives if available)
• A blood alcohol level of above 0.39
• Several matches
• An ordinance disposal container
• A jack hammer
• A stick
• Two large doughnuts.
• An electric mixer
• The concept of time in a jar (optional)
• A top-of-the-line jock strap (necessary for either gender)
• Several copies of this manual

Instructions

• Step 1: Creating a Muslim extremist religious sect: You need to study the Qur'an.

Because you do not have the resources of a national government, you will need several willing volunteers to act as the guinea pigs, so that you won't die during the initial stages of changing a light bulb; you can watch others die and learn from their mistakes. The easiest way to do this is to create your own Muslim extremist sect. This will give you a nearly endless number of people willing to go meet their 40 virgins. Use the gasoline to dispose of any unsightly bodies. Make sure you observe from a safe distance, and always wear your flak vest.

Also, because terrorists aren't necessarily known for their great hygiene, keep the matches on hand and light one whenever one of the terrorists comes too close to you.

• Step 2: Now that you've seen several unfortunate youth from the Middle East meet their demise, you can now practice with a "dummy bulb". Find a rubber light bulb and a house that is condemned and has no electricity. Use the jackhammer to remove the house from its foundation and have the remainder of your terrorist followers lift the house and turn it while you hold perfectly still. You need to be wearing all your safety gear, including the light stick suit so that you can be easily identified if something goes wrong. You must successfully complete this several times to master the holding technique. Do not under any circumstances attempt to turn the light bulb yourself. This will only make you think that you can do it with the real thing, which could be a deadly mistake.

But there is a hitch. In most cities, poorly informed city councils have enacted a law that prohibits the moving of homes with out a permit, and turning a home, unfortunately qualifies. You don't want to have to go through the hassle of getting a permit from these blithering Neanderthals, so you will have to do this step at night, which is why you need the night vision goggles. If any pesky neighbors are bothered by the noise and come snooping around, you might have to have your terrorists kill them. You will need the bulletproof vest on the off chance that a stray round comes flying your way.

• Step 3: After your night of practice, use the stick and the mud to repair the foundation, so no one suspects anything during day light hours. If any police do come asking questions, just bribe them with the doughnuts.

• Step 4: Use the ghost whisperer to re-interview all the dead terrorists, and make an extensive list of all the mistakes they made. Ghost Whisperers often use archaic words, so keep that dictionary handy. Memorize these so that you know them forwards, backwards, and can recite them perfectly even when plastered with booze.

• Step 5: Get totally drunk so you don't chicken out.

• Step 6: Get the spare bulb and take it into your house. Climb the ladder to where the light is burned out, place the spare in your mouth and remove the fixture outer glass. Be sure you are wearing the Halloween masks or the electricity will arc out from the fixture, through your head and into the ground. This will happen regardless of whether the switch is on or off.

• Step 7: Attempt to twist in the replacement bulb. Electricity will most likely be arcing the entire time and the bulb will usually explode in your hand. If this happens, get the other bulb and use the other hand. When that light bulb explodes, bandage both your hands and seek the nearest emergency room doctor.

• Step 8: Ask a nurse to call in Chuck Norris for the job.

Note: Any items not used in the procedure are good to have around anyway just for general purposes.

Other methods

There have been several other untested ways to attempt to change a light bulb put forth over time. However, these are placed here for informational purposes only. Any attempt to use these methods is solely done at your own risk.

1 - Hire a Professional: Due to the inherent danger of changing a light bulb, you might want to call in an expert. However, a true professional light bulb changer is pricey, because most of them are dead. You might be able to find one, but chances are that you will have to fly him or her in, and pay for a 5-star hotel for your professional. Beware, because people who profess to be able to do this at a less expensive rate are often scam artists, and will not actually change your light bulb, but will run off with your hard-earned cash.

2 - Enlist the help of the family know-it-all: This will not actually get the light bulb changed, but it is a good way to get rid of that annoying member of your family who proclaims to know more about everything than anyone. You know who I mean. He's the guy who believes he knows more about architecture than your uncle who actually is an architect, knows more about the Vietnam War than your grandfather who is a decorated Vietnam vet, and while childless, knows more about how to raise children than your sister who is a mother of five. Get him to show you how to do it. Be sure to wait about 20 - 30 minutes before you call the paramedics.

3 - Get a trained dolphin: Rumor has it that the military has trained some dolphins to do this safely. You will probably have to steal one and have some huge aquarium on hand to keep it in, but hey, I'm just throwing out options here.

4 - Get your date to do it: Look, there are several lonely women out there who don't get many dates. Maybe they aren't as pretty as other girls, or what have you. Anyway, you invite them over to your place for dinner, and ask them to take care of the light bulb for you while you are putting the final touches on dinner. In her zeal to impress you, she will make an attempt. If she fails, well, you won't have to worry about that awkward good-night. If she succeeds, then she's probably a keeper anyway (and, no, I'm not proud of having tried this one.)

5 - Buy some candles: Look, people lived for a very long time before light bulbs were invented. You can just learn to deal with it.