HowTo:Be a vampire hunter

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

Vampires are on the rise again, as evidenced by the popularity of Twilight and True Blood. It's important to know how to rid us of these beasts. This guide gives you all the information you need.

What to bring

You're getting warmer, no, getting colder, warmer, warmer, warmer, nope, you missed me.

• A stake. The best stakes for vampire hunting are: ash, rowan, juniper, oak, hawthorn, rosewood, dogwood and peach; preferably felled by lightning. Don't forget the hammer.
• A crucifix. This does not just mean a cross. This means a cross with Jesus on it, like the Catholics and Orthodox use. Maybe bring a regular cross too, just in case the vampire is Protestant. Actually, given how politically correct vampires act, any tax exempt religious symbol should work; cults and unrecognized aboriginal tribes don't count though.
• Some sort of helper. The problem is gypsies know vampires best, but some gypsies are Dracula's helpers, and might curse you into a werewolf. It definitely needs to be an Eastern European. Perhaps find a devoutly religious Gypsy. Like the one that gives Harker the crucifix in the beginning of every Dracula movie.
• Mustard or poppy seeds. A shitload of em. You throw the seeds on the ground and the vampire will have to count them before he moves forward. All vampires are OCD counters, not just that one on Sesame Street.
• A bible. Just fold the sacred texts into ninja stars using origami.
• A mirror. This is to know who is a vampire. Vampires don't have reflections.
• An axe. You might need to chop the vampires head off after you stake him for extra security, or you might need cut down a tree to make a battering ram for storming their castle.
• Arson materials. You might wanna burn him after you stake him and chop his head off. Also, I think if you burn their coffin they die or some shit, I'm not sure.
• Garlic. I'm not sure if vampires are really afraid of garlic. I think it may just be vampire hunters of the past carried garlic with them cause corpses smell so bad, and just said it warded vampires off to impress people.
• A gun. In case you run into any of those modern pretend vampire losers, who aren't afraid of crosses or that stuff, but can just be shot. Maybe use a silver bullet for good measure. Yeah I know that's werewolves, but it can't hurt.
• Holy water. Should not be used instead of the cross because it runs out and you might miss him, but you can throw it on him and he'll burn.
• Atomic bomb. Thermonuclear explosions give off a lot of ultra violet and infra red radiation, it's sort of like a surprise sunrise.
• Diaper. If you don't immediately crap yourself from the horrors you witness than you will need the extra seconds it affords you sometime during the night of non stop fighting through the endless hoards of hell spawn.

How to make the kill

Once you know your vampire, go to where he rests. Do this on a Saturday during the day. Some say they don't come out on Saturday, as they are still hung over from a coworker blood bender on Friday. He's more powerful at dawn and noon than during the rest of the day, so avoid those times. Once you've opened the coffin, immediately drive the stake into his heart. Try to do it in one blow if you can. Make sure the stake goes through him and into the ground. Next, cut off his head. Proceed to light him on fire. Throw the ashes into a river. All this must be done quickly. He's probably gonna wake up when you open his coffin, so drive the stake through before he knows what's going on. Just what ever you do, don't knock first and introduce yourself nor try and calmly convince them, or else they might just compliment you on your good manners and invite you in for "drinks".

Do not be a Vampire hunter if...

• You're a hemophiliac. Duh.
• You are not pure of heart. You know how in slasher movies the one girl who is not a total slut and/or bimbo survives and kills the killer? Vampires kind of work like that too.
• You're not strong willed. Vampires will try to hypnotize you, so you gotta be like "Hey! I do what I want!"
• You're a vampire. The only thing worse than a self hating Vampire is a self hating Jew.

How to find the Vampire

Romanian Gay Vampire

Douchebag

There are many methods to identifying a vampire. First you must assess if there is a vampire problem. The simple way to know is if somebody is rising from the grave at night and sucking people's blood, you have a vampire problem. Now onto finding out who.

• The mirror test is simple. Vampires don't have reflections which works because vampires have no souls. And according to ancient times, the mirrors reflect your SOUL!, so it doesn't work.
• Get a pure white horse who has never stumbled and he won't walk over the vampires grave. I don't know where you find such a horse. Maybe try a glue factory, there's hardly enough room for them to stumble and they all come out white in the end.