HowTo:Be a model Bucharest citizen (Cum sa devii bucurestean)
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If you have a car, you must learn how to drive like a Bucharester. The moment you get into your car, forget everything you ever learnt at driving school (if you wasted your time doing it). Only losers drive by the book.
In practice, the rules change as follows:
Stopping and Parking
You can stop wherever you want and stay there as long as you want, if and only if:
- there is no cop around
- to turn your distress lights on, but only if you want to.
When you decide to stop in a bus station, it is very important to park right on the sidewalk so you don't cause any inconvenience to the bus (they are bigger), only to the waiting passengers.
When you park there are a few rules you must heed:
- If there is a free parking spot without any charge right in front of the place where you want to go, use it otherwise go to step 2
- If there is a free parking spot for a charge, ignore it and go to step 3
- If there is no parking spot or step 2 is applicable, park on the sidewalk. Be careful to park so that the walkers have to get off the sidewalk and onto the road or they have to suck in those bellies when they want to pass. If you cannot park on the sidewalk, go to step 4.
- If there is a free spot next to the sidewalk park as far from the sidewalk as possible. If applicable, try to park at a 90 degree angle so that passing cars have to get in the other lane if they want to avoid you. It is also advisable to park close to the street corner. If you cannot do that go to step 5.
- Park parallel to the cars already parked next to the sidewalk.
- If none of the above is applicable, park anywhere. In front of a garage, next to a water hydrant or a fire line. Put on your alarm and make sure to switch the hand brake on. It is really fun to set your alarm so it howls when anybody walks past it. It is even more fun if the neighbourhood is a quiet one and you don't stop the alarm for at least 15 minutes.
In Bucharest there are a couple of different priorities.
- Right priority (optional)- only if you are coming from the right
- Tram priority
- Truck priority
- Taxi priority
- "Cool" priority-this can only be obtained by doing the following: "go on"; "fuck the others"; "I'm not going to stay here all day."
Pedestrians never have any priority, ever!
If while you're driving you see a woman, stick your head out of the car and yell "Hey this doesn't fuck, it runs you over" She will probably realise she was making a mistake and apologise while all your friends will think you're so cool.
On public roads
If you want to be a "real" Bucharester, you must heed the following rules regarding public roads:
- The meaning of the stop sign:
- Green-Go GOOOOO!
- Yellow-Quick before it turns red! GOOO!
- Red-Last chance before the others start their engines!
- Green-Go GOOOOO!
If there is a line at the stop sign, just go on the other lane and once in front take the lead position. this is a good use for the cool priority.
If you're at a stop sing the very second the light isn't red anymore just press the horn as hard as you can. The ones in front of you may be asleep or blind and he will certainly appreciate your effort.
If you're the first car at a stop sign and somebody honks behind you. Stop the car, get your baseball bat(or any hard object in the car) and go break his face.
At night always use all the lights possible. You can use the lights even during day time if you're really fast. Blinding other drivers is sooo much fun.
If at night some jerk blinds you with their lights just return the favour. A few short flashes are fun for the whole family. Besides, the after effects are sooo coool.
The maximum speed on public roads is given by the following equation: Your coolness (Co), The car coolness(CRCo), the square of the place where you're driving(Pl grows exponately out of town), the maximum speed(Ms) and the number of cars in traffic(No) S=Co*CrCo*Pl^2*Ms*No(for our math friends).
If in front of you there is a slower car just honk like crazy and blind him with your lights: go home if you don't have a car and drive like a fucking dead man. Don't be afraid to use the horn as long and powerful as you feel the urge. In extreme cases show him the middle finger, first the left one, then the right one, then both(use your knees to drive)
If you cannot swear you're not a driver. If you cannot swear for 20 minutes without repetition, you're not a driver in Bucharest.
A fun thing to do while it's raining is to drive through puddles with maximum speed and splash the poor dogs without a car. You can splash more for quantity or one for quality. You get extra points for pedestrians crossing the road in a legal way.
If you finish your juice/beer just throw the can out the window. It would take up to much of your vital space. The same goes for cigars, snacks or any other garbage you might have. The cleaning fairies will take care of it.
If you've got a new car, foreign, you must listen to Romanian music with the speakers on maximum and car windows open so, on one hand everybody can enjoy your new cool CD with Adrian Copilul Minune (see Romanian heroes) and Blondy and on the other hand you can prove you're Romanian and brag about it.
If the car is Romanian (e.g. a Dacia), decorate it with kitschy stuff, soccer flags, pictures of naked women etc.(the crappier the better, this way nobody will try to steal it). A CD on the rear view mirror is the ultra-major cool thing(babes will just attack you), but a big pair of fluffy dice will work.
When walking on the street ignore all trash bins. The government should clean up after us, that's why we pay them. So no problem, just throw that cigar, empty can, ice-cream cone or bus ticket (if you're one of the losers who buy one).
Take a handful of sun-flower seeds(just gotta love seeds) and eat them anywhere you go. Spitting the bad ones is an art and Bucharesters have perfected it. You can even bet with your friends and have little contests. You can measure length, precision, courage(when spitting on others) and so on.
If you don't have seeds (strange but possible), just spit. Don't forget to take it deep from within.
Everybody wants to see how much of your stomach you can bring out in one blow. It also impresses the dames.
If the nature calls you needn't bother go to a public WC(there aren't any anyway), just let it go in a park, on a lonely alley, on a car door. If you care about the environment you can even use a tree or a bush. But the best place is on the stairs of a block house. In the private confined space you can even take care of more serious business and somebody is bound to clean it us so you can re-use it. Th perfect place for your needs.
When you walk your dog, convince him to whiz on the neighbour's door and take a poo next to his window. If you live in a block house convince him to do it on the car of the most annoying neighbour, the one above you that flooded you last summer.
If your neighbour's pet poops on your car just flood him next summer. Pet's need lots of baths
If you walk and you see a car parked on the sidewalk(see above) squeeze between it and the wall and just gently apply your key to the new paint job.If you just want to let him know you liked the idea rip or bend his mirrors. Mercedes logos also make good collectors items.
The street can be crossed anywhere, anyhow. Just close your eyes and trust God!
On public roads you as a pedestrian always have the priority because those with cars can get anywhere faster anyway.
If you're a woman you can delight the male drivers by mimicking running when crossing the road. For this just make a few jumpy steps towards your direction. That always makes the sidewalk come closer. If you're a teenager, a very fun thing to do is going on the road with your "pack". You can entertain oneself with such wonderful sports like: breaking trash bins, destroying public property, whistling after women and beating up the losers. For a definition of the looser term just listen to manele until you get it.