Elizabeth Schuyler

Eliza's preferred colour of bow was white.

“"I've only smoked once or twice, but I'd tap that anytime."”

~ Alexander Hamilton on his past dabblings

Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler was married to Alexander Hamilton. She got mad when the Reynolds Pamphlets were released. Basically, she burnt the papers and everything that Hamilton wrote for her. She was irrelevant, despite creating the first orphanage in New York City. Basically, she didn't matter at all, despite looking hella fine.

History

When Eliza was a little girl (maybe 6 or 7, history is a bit fuzzy around this period of time), she wanted to be an astronaut (despite her father Philip Schuyler telling her that that profession hadn't been invented yet, but she was feelin' hella rebellious at that time.) She was the eldest of three. By the time she was 10, found out Santa wasn't real and couldn't deal. She suffered from severe depression until her teenage years. Once she overcame this state of mind, she became much more confident. After this, her sisters Angelica and Peggy, extremely jealous of their sister's teenage figure and ample bosom, did their best to divert mens' eyes. As they attempted to keep Eliza's slutty side away from the public, she only slept around more, leading to many harsh dealings with other men.

List of Men Eliza Slept With (Chronological)

John Laurens (~1775)

Thomas Jefferson (~1775)

John Adams (~1779)

Alexander Hamilton (~1781)

Aaron Burr (~1807)

Those one night stands never led to anything more than what they were; one night stands, except for one instance: Alexander Hamilton. He was the man of her dreams, having won the Most Ferocious Bull Rider award in 1774. He wooed her off her feet faster than Han Solo's gun arm. They multiplied like bunnies, having had 8 children before Hamilton's untimely death. After the loss of her spouse, Eliza's sluttier aspects started resurfacing, hence having slept with Aaron Burr, her husband's killer, within 3 years of his death.

By 1822, she had given up sex completely, thinking to herself about how she had better things to do with her time. Vowing never to sleep around again, she went into a pub and never came out. This bit of history is very fuzzy, as there are no recorded sightings of her for the next 32 years. There have been many theories over the centuries, the most popular being alien abduction. She was seen once more afterwards: exiting the pub. In 1854, she left the very pub she entered 3 decades before, and collapsed.

Family

Philip Schuyler (Father)

Being the first man to walk the moon, he denied anyone else the opportunity to do so.