Down Home Drug Commercial/Deluxe
- Camera fades onto the most relaxing commercial ever conceived by man or beast. Guitar starts playing in the background. Camera focuses in on an older man playing fetch with a beautiful golden retreiver in a nice soft-focus park on a gorgeous spring day in Summer. Narrator with a gentle tenor voice with a slightly Southern twang begins speaking.
"You know, sometimes I have problems. These problems come and go, but I would really like 'em to stop."
- Man bends to pick up the stick he was throwing to that damn glorious dog. Guitar music gets slightly more twangy, then softens.
"My friends tell me that I'm getting older, and that I'm not what I used to be back in High School. They tell me that everybody needs help sometimes."
My Heart's Not What It Used To Be[edit]
- Guitar music gets even more sentimental.
"My ticker has only been tickin' 80% of the time that I'm awake, and it's scary. I have a family of 9 to tend to. I have the barn to look after. Ol' Sally can't milk herself. She knows that."
- Camera suddenly pans to a soft focus cow. It's big soft focus eyes confuse and bewilder the audience.
"My family loves me, and they want what's best. They know that I need to jog to Church every Sunday. They know that they need me down at the feed store."
- Guitar plays very gently, and gets even softer and more romantic.
"I've been eating better, but maybe that's not enough. I need to violently flush all the cholesterol out of my system in one go. My folks say that I shouldn't put this off any longer."
- Guitar music gets slightly louder, just to fuck with us, and then simmers down again.
My Arthritis's Gettin' Worse[edit]
- Guitar music gets even more sentimental than previously indicated.
"I don't remember my fingers bending this way in High School. I remember my fingers used to not hurt."
- Guitar music swells for dramatic effect, then returns to a bearable level. Faint notes of a banjo can be heard. The man and dog start playing fetch with a crowbar for some reason, which is edited out and replaced with a picture of a stick.
"I need something that will straighten my fingers out using chemicals in under 24 hours, so that I can play basketball with my photogenic son again."
My Back Hurts More Than It Used To, I'm More Tired, I Can't Think Straight[edit]
- Guitar music gets even more sentimental than you could possibly stand. Man and dog are playing fetch in the front yard of a house now. Obviously somebody fucked it up, cause I coulda sworn they were in a park 2 seconds ago. The man and dog are now playing basketball with the photogenic son. OMG even in extreme soft focus he's hot. Look at him jump... oh man...
"I don't remember it hurting this much to play with my photogenic son. I'm more tired now. My family down at the feed store has been getting concerned."
- Guitar music gets slower, slower, FASTER slooowwwwer...
"I can't remember little things anymore, like where I put my keys or my bible or my photogenic son's birthday. I can't remember being this forgetful before. I can remember surpressing my violent sexual urges, but that's about it."
The Thoughts Are Getting More Frightening[edit]
- Guitar music gets so saccharine that I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Switch to soft focus of the guy, the dog, and the photogenic son helping out at the feed store.
"I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I just set my whole family on fire. I love Maxy, my dog, and Max, my photogenic son, more than anything in the world, and I and my buds down at the Church don't want anything to happen to them. I need to protect them by taking some kind of drug."
- Switch to the man, the dog, and the photogenic son throwing feed bags inside of a church for some reason. The whole scene is in such soft focus that the audience believes they're having a stroke. The man now begins to call to his dog to enhance the down-hominess of the commercial.
"I don't want to ruin the annual Pecan Festival with a what I'm thinking of doing. The Pecan Festival has been around since the civil war, and it would be such a tragedy to have the minister's half eaten corpse swinging from the beautiful oak in the square to be the first thing everybody sees that morning. Here Rex! Here boy!
- The scene is now just a sequence of soft browns and greens moving across the screen. The guitar music is very gentle but still able to be heard.
"I don't want to have to explain to the police about the fresh graves I'm digging. The Apricot Festival is ruined, all because I didn't have the courage to go down to Doctor Johnson and ask. I don't know why I'm cutting myself now, or why I'm being followed everywhere I go by huge men in blood-spattered yellow raincoats, but I bet my family down at the Feed Church wouldn't like it. Here Fluffly! C'mere boy!
- The soft focus is brought down a little bit, so that we can see the dog and the photogenic son playing fetch during the Apricot/Peecan festival. The guitar music has become so saccharine that I'm holding my hand over my mouth.
"My family down at the High School wouldn't appreciate that I'm a cannibalistic necrophiliac, and neither would my buds down at the Pecan Store. They love me, I know, but it's getting harder and harder to explain where I've been these past few nights. I'm really starting to be scared. Here Rascal, here boy!
- The scene switches to two dogs playing fetch with each other in the feed store. The guitar music gets louder, but just enough to tantalize us.
"I need a drug to make the taste of human flesh less appealing to me. I can't focus at work anymore. The guys at the High School are asking questions about me, and I feel more drowsy than usual. I can't explain why those men in blood spattered raincoats have haunting red eyes, or why they follow me to Church. My family loves me, and they just want to see me happy and healthy as I reach old age. Here Octavious! Here boy!
- The scene switches to the man and his pretty hot, but not too hot, wife sitting together on the porch of a provincial home, gently kissing. The sun highlights her soft hair, while the guitar sings sweetly in the background.
"I can't explain why I killed Farmer McJohnson's sheep or why I raped them so violently, but I do know that my family and coworkers love me, and they just want me to be safe. I don't know why I beat that hobo to death with a steel bat or why I gutted Mr. Johnson down at the baitshop. My family loves me, and they just want to enjoy the Pecan Festival. Here Rapunzel, here boy!"
- Camera opens on a pretty green hill overlooking the Pecan Festival where the photogenic son is playing with his younger photogenic sister, while his parents are on a picnic blanket snuggling.
"I don't know why eating people's eyes gives me superpowers, or why I keep my victim's brains in jars in the fridge, but I know that it'll only get worse as time goes on. I want to get rid of these thoughts as soon as possible, so that I don't burden my family or the Pecan Festival. Here SpaDOING, here boy!"
SIDE EFFECTS[edit]
- Guitar music swells while a new narrator starts talking. The guitar is followed by a trumpet when the really bad side effects start getting mentioned. The guitar is accompanied by three accordians and a gong for a while and it's kinda hard to tell if the new narrator is still talking. The music is enhanced by a scene of a five way game of catch between the man, his dog, and his photogenic family. The scene fades to black, but you'll always remember that wistful guitar music.