David Mamet

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This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.

Do you think that this is David Mamet? Why? Because it is an image on a web page titled "David Mamet"? Fucking? It is an image of a man on a web page titled "David Mamet", but the man is not David Mamet. Fuck.

David Mamet: A play by David Mamet. Premiered 2010 at the Uncyclopedia Arts Festival, in cooperation with the Steppenwolf Theatre Company.


  • Joe Mantegna as David Mamet
  • Rebecca Pidgeon as Lindsay Crouse

Act 1:

David: Hello.

Lindsay: Hello?

David: Hello. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Lindsay: Are you David-

David: What do you want?

Lindsay: Mamet? Are you David Mamet?

David: You want to know about David Mamet? The fuck? Is that what you want?

Lindsay: I-

David: Proof. You want proof?

Lindsay: Proof of-

David: Proof. Nothing was ever proved.

Lindsay: You-

David: OK. OK? I will tell you. I will tell you what you want to know. I will tell you.

Lindsay: Now.

David: Now? Does that answer your question? Fuck. What did I just tell you?

Lindsay: I-

David: Fuck. (Pause) What did I just tell you before I said "does that answer your question"? Fuck. I told you that "nothing was ever proved." (Pause) Did I tell you that? I did tell you that. Nothing was ever proved. (Pause) I rest my case.

Lindsay: Your-

David: What evidence do we really have that any of this story is true? What kind of proof? I will tell you. None! I just told you that.

Lindsay: David is-

David: Why are you asking me about David Mamet? (Pause) Why are you asking me about David Mamet? Why are are you asking me about David Mamet? Are you a fucking-?

Lindsay: Is it that you (Pause) are an essentially trusting person?

(The phone rings. David answers)

David: Hello?

Lindsay: Do ...you see me as trustworthy?

David (into phone): No. Please. (to Lindsay): Do you have an urgent need to trust people? Would you like to make love with me?

Lindsay: OK.

David: Since you trust me, ...(Pause) Now I will tell you the truth.

Lindsay: Truth?

David: (To phone) Hello...? Fuck. (hangs up phone, speaks to Lindsay) The truth is what I will tell you. (pause) Does that satisfy you? Does that prove what you have been saying?

Lindsay: You-

David: I hope it does. I hope it does. You are in a lot of trouble. (pause) You are in a lot of trouble. It just goes to show. It just goes to show.

Lindsay: What?

David: What does it just go to show? That nothing was ever proved. Fuck.