Billy Crystal

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Billy Crystal, while performing at a local chairty event.

Billy "Hey that doesn't go in my pee hole!" Crystal was born to a Jewish family on July 25, 1930. Born in the land of Jerusalem, his family was forced to leave their homeland to escape the Nazis during World War II in 1940. The Crystals would find refuge in the relatively unknown territory known as Isle Nubar, hiding there until the end of "The Great War" in 1978. It was on Isle Nubar where young Billy Crystal would find his claim to fame, because it was on the Isle that he discovered dinosaurs inhabited the land. Thought to have been extinct for millions of years, Billy Crystal made pets of the dinosaurs, domesticating them and using them for profit in the phenomenon known as "Jurassic Park."

Early Life[edit]

During Billy Crystal's younger years, he had many pets. He had a dog, a cat, a horse, a bull, a fox, a dragon, a ferret, a skunk, a cow, 2 rhinos, a bird, a grilled steak, a rabbit, a rollie polie, and his favorite, his precious little baby Chicken, whom he named "Harry." But of course, Harry the Chicken mated with "Sally" the skunk. The ChickenSkunk babies would spray young Billy Crystal with their stinky fluids, and that traumatized the poor little Jew for the rest of his Jewish life. To this day, Billy Crystal is deathly afraid of all skunks, all chickens, and especially a combination of the two.

Billy's father, Frankfurt, getting prepared to Lay the Smackdown on his son.

Billy Crystal's father (Johann Gambolputty de von Himbleeisen Bahnwagen-gutenabend Bitte-ein-Nürnburger-bratwustle Gerspurten-mitz-Weimacheluberhundsfutgumberabershönedankerkalbsfleischmittleraucher von Hautkopft) would beat his son Billy with his belt daily. Billy's mother (Regina Crystal) was too afraid to stop her husband from abusing their only child.

The repetitive beatings young Billy received from his father would have an everlasting impression on the poor Jew's life. Billy is known to be very untrustworthy, and cautious of all he comes into contact with. Years later when asked if his father beat him as a child, he simply and sadly said, "Yes."

Billy Crystal never did well in school, probably due to the fact that he was Jewish. But he did manage to get by, cheating off of the Christian boy that sat next to him throughout his school career. Billy would go on to graduate from Johnny High in southern Jerusalem in 1939.

Billy Crystal, on the job as the Local Bitch.

Things were starting to look up for the young Jew. He even earned enough money from his part-time job as the Local Bitch to purchase his first car, a 1907 Mustang. But just as Billy was preparing to enroll into college at The Institute of Jerusalem, the Nazis invaded his country during the height of World War II.

His family was forced to flee from Jerusalem, ending up on Isle Nubar. And that was where Billy's life was changed forever. Billy would discover dinosaurs, and he turned them into his pets. Billy's new pets would adore him, and do anything he said. One day when Billy's father was preparing for Billy's daily beating, Billy commanded his Stegosaurus to attack his father, killing his father and tearing him into three pieces. These three pieces, divided equally, would be used as the feast for Billy, his mother, and a Caveman.

Billy's mother would die a year later from Mono, and Billy was left alone with his giant pets. Billy, in the midst of mourning for his dead mother, came up with the idea of turning Isle Nubar into a great park used to show off his dinosaur pets.

Jurassic Park was born.

Rise to Superstardom[edit]

This green and purple carnavore was discovered by Billy Crystal in 1948 and is used in his famed "Jurassic Park."

Jurassic Park would go on to become apart of American culture, as hundreds and hundreds of people loved to share an island with hungry dinosaurs. Billy Crystal used Jurassic Park to catapult himself to superstardom, becoming the richest, most famous, most respected, most feared man in the entire world. Once the war concluded in the late 70's, Billy would often times take his private Jewish jet back to his homeland of Jerusalem, where he buys lots of little presents (like dreidels and hard bread) for all of his fellow Jews.

This earned Billy Crystal the title of "King of the Jews," as Jesus Christ, the man formerly known as The King of the Jews, was soon a thing of the past; Billy Crystal was the new shit. Billy "King of the Jews" Crystal would continue his duties with Jurassic Park, becmoming a mult-billionair.

Downward Spiral[edit]

All of the fame, fortune, and success couldn't stop the inevitable from occuring. Billy Jean Crystal (The King of the Jews) was voted off the Board of Directors of his own Jurassic Park in 1983. This would drive Billy to a deep state of depression, and he would become dependent on heroin, marjuiana, x-tasy, PCP, and cough syrup. Billy "King of the Jews" Crystal would get to a point where his friends didn't even recognize him anymore. When asked if they recognized their friend Billy Crystal, his friends stated, "No."

Billy Jean Crystal was said to embarrass the civilians of Isle Nubar, as well as his dinosaurs who were ashamed to have been discovered by Billy. Billy Crystal was exiled from Isle Nubar, and his home country of Jerusalem wouldn't let him back into the country either. Billy went to the only place that would accept him: South America.

Billy and his new love, Miss Piggy.

South America was still recovering from the damages done during World War II. Nevertheless, Billy made South America his new home, being mocked and ridiculed by the people there for being a "has-been." Billy Crystal would rarely leave his home, which was a hole, and he was only happy when he was abusing drugs.

Needless to say, Billy was stripped of his title of "King of the Jews," and the title was returned to Jesus.

Anytime Billy would leave his hole home, he was beaten, spat on, and made fun of by the South Americans. This would cause Billy to find refuge and comfort. Billy, now flat broke and craving narcotics, would end up in the Jewish Bar in Eastern Brazil in the summer of 1985. It was there that Billy would find the new love of his life, a fellow celebrity: 1985 would be the beginning of Billy Crystal's affair with Miss Piggy.

Love Life[edit]

Billy's son, Justin Timberlake, retarded Prince of the Jews

Billy Crystal and Miss Piggy would embark on a passionate love affair, which would catch the public's eye. Billy Crystal, as well as Miss Piggy whose career had also been slowing down, were back in the spotlight. For the first time since Billy was kicked out of Jurassic Park, he was popular again. Billy and Piggy became the most watched couple in the world, and in early 1986 it was announced that Billy and Miss Piggy would be getting married. Just a few weeks after the wedding, it was learned that Miss Piggy was pregnet with Billy's Jewish child.

The world was excited about the future birth of Billy and Piggy's first child, but this is when the news broke out that Billy and Miss Piggy had been avid drug abusers during the pregnency. There was a major risk of the child being deformed, as Miss Piggy did drugs everyday, and couldn't stop.

The world became disgusted, as Billy announced that he and his pig wife would enter rehab. Just a month into rehab in April 1986, Miss Piggy gave birth to a boy, who had a major brain problem and was declared as mentally retarded. They named their child, "Justin Timberlake."

Road to Recovery[edit]

Billy and Piggy's retarded son Justin would be taken away from them, and Billy and Mrs. Piggy were sent back to rehab. Months later, the two appeared to be cleaned up. Desperate for money, the two completed a Hardcore Sex Tape. The HardCore Sex Tape was entitled, "Pork, Anyone?" and it sold approxitmately 37 copies worldwide, earning The Crystals a mere $18.65.

Rumors began to surface that Billy and his wife, Mrs. Piggy were having problems in their marriage. These rumors proved to be true when Billy Jean Crystal and Mrs. Piggy separated and then divorced in the fall of 1988.

Billy Crystal at the lowest of the low.

Billy Crystal was now a shell of his former self. With no money, no home, and no pride to his name, he was left homeless on the cold, hard streets of South America. Meanwhile, Miss Piggy became famous for her roles in movies such as, "Tap Dat," "Freddie Gonnovoson," and her biggest box office hit, "Pirates of the Carribean," starring as Captain Jack Sparrow.

Billy Crystal saw Miss Piggy's success, and in an attempt to pick himself back up, he took a boat to America where he would find a home in the commonwealth of Kentucky.

While in Kentucky, Billy Crystal visited Hollywood and there he got a part in the "Rugrats" movie. That movie would earn Billy Crystal, the man once known as The King of The Jews, enough credit to be seen as Hollywood's next big thing, and he began staring in films for years.

By the summer of 1990, Billy Jean Crystal's life was back on track. He was famous again, popular again, and he owned a house. While Jurassic Park continued to be a booming success without him, Billy had a new career now: an actor in Hollywood.

Movie Star[edit]

Billy Crystal's Hollywood career skyrocketed, becoming the hottest and richest actor in all of Hollywood. Billy would surpass even his ex-wife, Miss Piggy (who was now engaged to be married to Uncle Kracker), earning nearly twice as much as her. Billy would finally bounce back from when he lost his job at his own creation, Jursassic Park.

Billy would once again be named "The King of the Jews," and his son Justin Timberlake (who Billy hadn't seen personally since Justin was born) overcame his mental retardation to sell a few records to people who enjoy listening to retarded people try to sing. When asked about his son's music career, Billy Crystal replied, "Yeah."

Billy Crystal eating his award. A Jewish custom.

Billy Crystal, once again The King of the Jews, was the leading man in Hollywood. He won several academy awards. Here is a list of his biggest and most popular movies:


Year Film Genre
1989 The Rugrats Movie Adventure
1990 When Barry Killed Tally Horror
1991 Dirty, Dirty Fucking Hoe Porno/Action
1991 Monty Python and the Holy Grail Suspense/Thriller
1992 Chinese Takeout Horror
1994 Analyze This Stupid
1995 Red Carpet Action/Comedy/Adventure/Cute
1996 Chinese Takeout, The Sequal Horror/Meg Ryan
1997 The Scarlett Letter Action
1998 Chinese Takeout, Part 3 Horror/Chinese
1998 Bravehart Action/Comedy/Part-war
1999 Chicken Chou-Yung Kung-Fu/Serious
2000 Billy Jean Crystal: The Untold Stories Documentary 2009(In production) Mien Par-par das bastard. Homoerotic thriller


Miss Piggy's mother, showing grief at her daughter's funeral.

It was just after the release of 2000's "Untold Stories" when we last saw Billy Crystal, King of the Jews. Billy was last seen on August 1, 2000 at his ex-wife's (Miss Piggy's) funeral. Miss Piggy had been in a grease accident, and died a few days earlier. Though bitter toward his ex-wife, Billy paid his repects, attending her funeral.

At the funeral, however, many people noted Billy's change. Billy was now much more hostile. During the funeral, he was spotted performing taxidermy on a duck in the corner of the bedroom. Billy had a few drinks that night and he drove himself home. When his friends asked if he was okay to drive home, he said, "Yes."

The last time we saw of Billy Jean Crystal, King of the Jews.

Billy Crystal left the house at approximately 7:41 PM, never to be seen again. For days, everyone looked high and low for his body, or even his car; there was no sign of Billy. No signs, no tracks; nothing. Billy was gone.

And to this day, Billy Jean Crystal has yet to be found. But if you are interested in trying to help find The King of the Jews, then you can join the Find Billy Crystal, Dead or Alive, Foundation of the Twenty-First Century, also known as the FBCDOAFOTTFC.


Billy Jean Crystal, though lost for nearly a decade now, has cemented his place in history as the biggest piece of shit to ever be dumped into the bowl of hollywood.(fucked over the late, great Bruno Kirby). Billy Crystal may be missing from the world, but he will never be missing in our hearts. Together we can keep the legacy of Billy jean Crystal alive, and together we can remember him as the King of the Jews. Though Jewish, he was still a good man. Though short, he was a giant in Hollywood. Truly, Billy Jean Crystal is the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Long live Billy Jean Crystal, Jewish actor who created Jurassic Park.