A Song of Ice and Fire

The celebrated edible chocolate edition.

"A Song of Ice and Fire" is a much-celebrated fantasy book series by Professor George Ronald Reuel Martin, CAE. Originally conceived as a longish blog post about the evils of fanfiction, the series now consists of four meganovels (of a planned twenty-seven), a 38-part comicbook franchise, no less than three televised Joss Whedon angst-vehicles and an article for US Weekly. The story itself just seems to spill out all over the pages in a soupy mess of fantastic characterization, crazy and regular-but-misspelled names, swearing, fighting, sexing and boring boring Sansa chapters. Interesting (and sad) side note: each time any given book in this series is printed, a chunk of rainforest the size of John R. R. Martin is destroyed.

Abridged Plot Summary and Details

"A Song of Ice and Fire" is loosely based on Danny DeVito's 1989 dark comedy film "The War of the Roses". Most of the action takes place on the continent of Westernosse beyond the Narrowing Sea in the Several Kingdoms. Things start off with a bang as the Starks of Rivenfell find six half-celestial +3 direwolves among the cold snowy snows of the frozen north.

Abridged Characters of Note

The Abridged Starks of Rivenfell

Jon Snow. A right bastard.

• Jon Snow - A bastard who wields a bastard sword, rides a bastard-pony (-3 to ride checks) and travels the countryside with his bastard direwolf, Ghost, just generally being a bastard (bastard bastard bastard).

• Arya - Who inherited all the interesting genes from her parents (well her dad's side of the family, anyway), leaving none for her sister...

• Sansa - "Will she wear the green dress or the blue??" The question on everyone's mind at the end of the first novel.

• Ned - Jon's friendly, mustachioed and slightly too religious next-door neighbor.

• Catelyn - Bore...elyn.. is more like it... Right?

• Robb - Fulfilling the publisher's stringent and arbitrary decree that at least three characters in each of their books must be named Rob or Robert (but NEVER Bob).

• Bran - Delicious and helps give you regular bowel movements. Character originally called 'Toast' by Martin but changed after receiving sponsorship.

• Rickon - Who? Or is it Rock-on Tommy??

Other Characters of Abridged Note

• Tyrion Lannister - A hilarious dwarf character included chiefly for comic relief. Fans generally hate this guy.

• King Joffrey Baratheon - The First of His Name, Lord of the Sandals, Baron of the Sneakers and High Wizard of the Footwear Throne of Dr. Scholl's.

• Samwell Tarly - The author avatar.

• Daenaeraes Taergaeraeaeaeaen - Character from an unrelated series apparently included here through a mistake on the editor's part.

Abridged Publishing History

J. R. R. Martin published the first four books in the series simultaneously on August 6, 1996. Ever since that day, fans and critics alike have been waiting patiently for the fifth book to be released. That's over fourteen years (which is the entire lifespan of your average dog... ..I...I'm so sorry Skippy.. I know I said we'd finish the series together boy, but Mom didn't want to spring for doggie-dialysis.... sniffle... ahem, sorry something in my typing eye there.. let me just end this parenthetical here...) there we go. I wasn't even going to bring up the (achingly) long wait, either, it's just that with an encyclopedia you have to catalog everything, the babies and the bathwaters, as it were. Yep.. still just waitin' around for that fifth book, Martin. Just drumming my (bloody) fingers here on my (fucking) table... PATIENTLY! Patiently. Always patiently..... Just like a cobra..........

Uh, publishing stuff! Right! Okay, so here's something for you to chew on: When it came time to publish the fourth story in the series, A Feast for Critics, George R. R. Tolkien realized that he'd have to split the book into two, since the book spine that can support 46,758 pages has not been invented.. well, okay, it has, but it weighs thirty-seven pounds and costs 186,000 dollars. Being the petty, spiteful and all-around (figuratively) small man that he is, Georgie decided he would split the book up not chronologically or alphabetically or by Dewey Decimal System or any other such sensible choice; rather he decided he'd break it up along the lines of interesting versus boring characters. The first half is all about the boring characters and introduces us to a new character, Chuck, a Canadian shoe repairman with heady dreams of breaking into the lucrative field of copyright law.

Abridged List of Unabridged Books in the Main Series

George R. R. Martin. Laughing at the idiots who buy his turgid tomes.

• A Bunch of Words - First book in the series. Always gets to ride shotgun whenever J. R. R. Martin goes to the grocery store.

• A Ton of Pages - Banned in Australia.

• A Stopper of Doors - Currently a strong contender to one day replace War and Peace as the book most made fun of for its ridiculous length.

• A Feast for Critics - Focusing on the uninteresting characters of Westernosse.

• A Dance with Publishers - Focusing on the interesting characters of Westernosse. Still yet-to-be-released...

• A Phoning of It (In) - Unknown.

• Article Noun preposition Plural Noun - Unknown. Possible placeholder name.

• John, Paul, Ringo and George Martin.

Abridged Awards and Accolades

A Bunch of Words won the J. R. R. Tolkien Award for "Best Writing in the Field of Writing Like J. R. R. Tolkien". A Ton of Pages finished quite respectably at the seventy-fifth annual American Authours Whou Couuld Almoust Be Britishe award ceremony in Loundoun. At the French Book Festival of Pretentiousness (Festivale Pretentieux Français des Booques) they boo'd Martin off the stage as he read from it, the highest honor ever received by an author at the Festival. Some kid I know was heard to remark, "I haven't gotten around to finishing it, yet".

Abridged Selected Quotes

• "I do hope this color is still of a season." ~ Sansa.
• "What the elephant was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know..." ~Tyrion, flicking a cigar whilst exaggeratedly rolling his eyes.
• "Orcs, Sam!" ~Frodo.
• "Shop smart, shop S-Mart." ~Jon Snow, cocking the bastard shotgun grafted to his arm where his hand used to be.
• "Ri ron't row rabout ris, Ron!" ~Ghost.

See also

Game of Thrones