HowTo:Cook crocodiles

A crocodile is any species belonging to the family Crocodylidae (sometimes classified instead as the subfamily Crocodylinae), and its tough chewy meat is excellent for the traditional fondue. Because there is such a large quantity of meat on a Crocodile, this meal would usually be sufficient for a large family gathering, or special occasion. Perhaps a funeral.

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

Delicious, Nutritious Crocodile Meat

The crocodiles (colloquially called crocs), are large aquatic reptiles that live throughout the Tropics in Africa, Asia, the Americas Australia and Switzerland, and although relatively difficult to get hold of, certainly will create a talking point for your meal, which you may find useful, as talking about the food provides a light relief from actually eating it.

Crocodiles tend to congregate in slow-moving rivers and lakes, and feed on a wide variety of living and dead mammals and fish. Some species, notably the Saltwater Crocodile of Australia and the Pacific islands, have been known to venture far out to sea.

They are an ancient lineage, and are believed to have changed little since the time of the dinosaurs. If they were good enough for those majestic beasts of yore to eat, they'll be good enough for you.

The larger species of crocodiles can be very dangerous to humans. The Saltwater and Nile Crocodiles are very dangerous, killing hundreds of people each year in parts of South-East Asia and Africa. American Alligators, and possibly the endangered Black Caiman, are also dangerous to humans. However, the Snow Crocodiles indigenous to the Swiss Alps are by far the deadliest, most lethal man eating monsters ever, killing thousands of innocent fondue eating people each year; and it is this variety that are the best for eating.

Be very wary if you order your Crocodile meat for home delivery, as it often comes alive and kicking! There's nothing worse than opening a UPS jiffy bag and getting a nip on the arm from one of these little mites, so gloves at the ready please. We want to be the ones that are doing the eating here.

Crocodiles are very fast over short distances, even out of water. However, cheese really does slow them down.

You'll need a Very Large Crocodile Sized Fondue Pot (or 'Croquelon').

Some History

A Swiss family attend a Crocodile Fondue.

Cooking crocodiles was invented in Ancient Egypt. King Tut ate his crocodile cooked. Did he eat the monkey? - we don't know.

Cheesey Crocodile fondue was invented out of necessity.

In the remote and isolated mountain villages in the Swiss Alps people had to rely upon locally made food.

During winter, fresh food became scarce, but the Swiss were a resourceful people.

The natural wildlife abounded with local Snow Crocodiles, which were known to be inedible.

The Swiss found that combining Crocodile meat to melted stale cheese made it edible.

Local wines and seasonings were added and it was found that fresh Crocodile actually tasted delicious after it was swirled in the delicious creamy melted cheese.

In fact more so, depending on the quantity of wine added.

Preparation

As with all basic food preparation, wash your hands.

Cheesey Crocodile fondue should be cooked in a Very Large Crocodile Sized Fondue Pot (or 'Croquelon') rubbed with a cut garlic clove. Add a small amount of corn starch or flour to prevent separation, and preferably dilute the cornflour in several gallons of kirsch.

You will need:

1 Crocodile

Enough white wine to cover the Crocodile

Some gone off cheese. The most common recipe requires a mix of hard (such as Gruyère) and semi-hard (such as Emmental, Vacherin or raclette) cheeses.

Few gallons Kirsch

1 cut garlic clove

Pinch salt

Croquelon

A bonfire

A paddle

2 thigh length waders

An electric saw

How to Cook Fondue Crocodylidae Bourguignonne (deep-fat Croc fondue)

Don thigh length waders, and a take up your paddle, and climb into the Croquelon. You will need some friends to stoke up a bonfire underneath the Croquelon to make it hot enough to melt the cheese. Using the handle of the pitchfork, stir cheeses in a FIGURE OF EIGHT.

Melt the cheeses into the wine.

Add the Crocodile, taking care to stand behind the animal.

Allow enough time for the meat to cook.

This may take a few days. The Crocodiles brain is very small, and often the creature is so stupid that it does not actually realise that it is fully cooked. You can usually tell when the meat is cooked, as it stops thrashing around; however, this may simply never happen, so you may be better off by just serving the food before your feet get too hot.

Use the electric saw and carefully slice CUBES of crocodile meat. This is a delicate operation, as you need to avoid the saw making contact with the wine, avoid dropping the meat before it is actually a CUBE, avoid the thrashing reptile, and also keep paddling the cheese in a FIGURE OF EIGHT, to avoid it sticking.

If you do not succeed in stirring in the FIGURE OF EIGHT, there is a very real danger that the cheese will stick to the Croquelon, and this will make it awkward to clean.

Cubed Crocodile meat is traditionally dipped using a pitchfork. Give a pitchfork to each of the people you have invited to your fondue.

You can make your fondue party go with more of a swing if you tell your guests the tradition that if they drop the CUBE of meat into the fondue, they have to remove a piece of clothing. If all items of clothing are removed, they have to get into the fondue.

This can work to your advantage in two ways, as while they are there, you can get them to stir in a FIGURE OF EIGHT.

And also, if the Croc is still alive, it might prefer naked flesh to your tough waders.