Earthworm Jim
Earthworm Jim (born in 1975) is the most chivalrous annelid to ever live, and served as Emperor of Japan from 1993-1998. He starred in several video games, and a Saturday morning cartoon that rivaled NBC's Friends in the ratings. His career was cut short after several scandals, one of which involved a marching band, a ton of cocaine, and a half-eaten gazelle. This may have been caused by his bad blood with the Segacci and Nintendi Mafia families.
Humble beginings[edit]
Born a peasant in the poor town of Bigguns, Texas, to Earthworm Sue and Earthworm Sue, Jim was unaware of the greatness he would some day achieve. He was always bullied in the schoolyard by the Italian plumber-type bullies and the fast blue hedgehog ones too.
Teenage Years[edit]
At age 14, Jim's mother Sue was murdered in front of him by a group of crab people. Jim, fearing for his life, fled to the dense swamps of Wisconsin. There he was found by a kind cow couple. They raised him as their own, as they were infertile due to the outbreak of Mad Cow Disease. Jim was happy for many years with the cows, and became well versed in the teachings of Cun-moo-cius, and adept at Kung-Moo. He was only 16 when the crab people struck again.
Family Tragedy[edit]
The crab people were relentless in their attack on Jim's new home. Only the Slim-Jim quality meat remained. Horror struck at the Cowtastrophe. Jim swore to discover why these mysterious crustaceans continued to stalk him. With what money he had, Jim bought a 1993 Buick La Sabre with one door, 3 windows and a dent on every corner and set off to achieve his destiny.
3 hours later, the car broke down 2 feet out of Wisconsin, and all of Jim's money, food, and supplies spontaneously combusted. All he had left was his razor-sharp wit, and some pocket lint. The pocket lint then ran away.
Stranded in the middle of Wisconsin, Jim heard a hot female-sounding voice cry for help. Thinking back to his learnings with the cows, Jim remembered to always help those in need. Acting on this, Jim ran towards the noise, only to find the damsel in question being bullied by the vicious Knights who say Ni. With a triumphant cry of "IT!", Jim rescued the damsel, who happened to be famed action movie director Quentin Tarantino.
Rise to fame[edit]
Jim's first notable appearance was in "Overated Insanely Violent Scenes Involving Tits and Dramatic Irony" directed by Quentin Tarantino and co-starring Samuel L. Jackson as Jim's wisecracking partner in crime Guy "Motherfucking" Black. As expected, the movie bombed, in part due to it's competitor at the box office "Passion of the Christ 2: Mel Gibson isn't Racist, because Jesus says so", but mostly because it sucked. It later became a cult classic and is now rated as the greatest movie of all time on IMDB.
However, Jim did get enough exposure to co-star in the Martin Scorsese hit "A Texan Worm and Some Italian Guys Perform Generic Crimes", which was said by critics to be Scorsese's most original film yet.
Jim's popularity skyrocketed when he starred alongside Heather Graham in "Boogie Nights: Heather Gets Nude". He did not manage to succeed however, in taking the focus away from Heather Graham.
In the end, the highlight of Jim's career was definitely the cult classic and aptly named Earthworm Jim.
Plot[edit]
A Texan worm and his friends, a bipolar puppy and lump of snot, go on oddball adventures throughout space and rescue Princess What's Her Name. Throughout the movie, they go to hell and fight lawyers, combat gender confused Crows and and use their heads to whip things. The movie is a seminal work of the postmodern neoclassical reverse social existentialism movement in film, and started Jim's 3-month romance with Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Musical career[edit]
Jim had a short lived rap career as "M.C. SweetNLow" at the height of his popularity. He was obviously not a great rapper, but was better than Vanilla Ice. He did however, have one hit single "Staple ma Skeet". It was popular in clubs for it's use of office supplies in sexual metaphors. Notable rival "DJ Y-T Poza" tried to emulate Jim's success with his own single "Tape yo Titties". Y-T was eaten by a wildebeast, thrown at him by the audience during one of his shows.
Jim as Bond[edit]
For 3 hours in 1997, Pierce Brosnan got so drunk that he was honestly convinced that he was a moose. Jim, who was conveniently standing in a corner nearby; was asked to take over. "007:The Silver Girl Who Says Today is Tomorrow Almost Never" was shot in only 82 minutes, although Brosnan arrived completely nude to the set a minute too late. Jim won an Oscar for "Best guy used at the last minute because the other guy was stoned". Tom Cruise and Mark Hamill were also nominated in the same category for Jerry Macguire and Star Wars, respectively.
As a superhero[edit]
Shortly after shooting Steven Spielburg's Schindler's List, Jim was pushed into a vat of Toxic waste by a mysterious plumber. The assassination attempt failed, instead granting Jim Super strength, and allowing him to fire lightning out of his nostrils. Jim decided to use his powers for good, and within his first month on the job, he rescued 300 nuns from an earthquake,750 cats and puppies from burning buildings, and 80 toddlers from pedos on the internets. This obviously made the other superheroes very angry, which led to a RPG-style duel between Jim and Superman Himself.
As Emperor of Japan[edit]
In 1994, many Japan folk have romance explosion on Jim. Them overthrow fat red emperor and spiky blue empress! Make Jim new Emporer, great happy! Many Pink-Haired Schoolgirl make sucki-sucki on Jim! Jim fight Godzilla eight time! Fight Mothra ten time! Make Sushi of greedy greedy Ken Kutaragi whopper fourty-eight time!
Notable romance[edit]
Girls love big worms. They can't stand little worms, but big worms have what it takes to satisfy them. You don't get to choose how big a worm you are, but the ladies like em big. Size matters. Unless you're in Sweden, because all the worms are small there. So, it's no surprise that Jim was quite the lady's, uh... worm.
Sarah Michelle Gellar - Working on the set of the semi-biographical "Earthworm Jim", Jim could not help but be smitten with blond hottie and fellow vampire-slayer, Sarah Michelle Gellar. But the chemistry just wasn't there. While Jim pondered the very meaning of life itself, ditzy Sarah questioned how her nails looked. They broke up after 3 months, because Jim could feel his brain cells being killed when spending time with Sarah. Ditziness can also cure herpes.