Do NOT click any links!
For the love of all that is holy, don't click any links! Ever! Eventually, the entire Internet is just one shock porn site waiting to get you! It may seem like all fun and games now, but trust me on this, it's just not worth it! Sure, a wiki is fun and all, clicking things that are linked, finding out new and exciting things. But then, when you least expect it, BAM! One day you decide to click here, then you're scarred for life.
But doesn't not clicking links pretty much end my Internet life?
Look. I know where you're coming from. I, too, used to be a happy internet user. Leaping from site to site without a care in the world. But trust me on this, you do NOT want to click the wrong link. Really. I mean, look at this link. I didn't say click it! Man, you were asking for it! That was an external link, too! You could have been totally scarred for life, right there!
I'll bet you think you've seen everything
You've probably been through the worst, you think. "What could be worse than Goats?" you ask. "Oh, that Lemon party can't be all that bad," you claim. "4chan is just a message board." "It's called Cherry Cake, how bad can it be?" Bad, man. REAL bad. It'll totally screw you up and get you paranoid like me. I'm never clicking another link for the rest of my life. Oh man, I need my soul to be disinfected or something. Oh look, here's a Safe Link. OH MY GOD! You didn't just click on that, did you?
Living in fear
“You have nothing to fear but fear itself, and possibly a crippling, decade-long depression. So, you only have TWO things to fear. Wait, there's polio, too...”
Oh yeah? You didn't live in an era of wikis, did you Roosevelt? Oh, I'm sure the great depression was terrible, but splattered organs bad? Little_kid_getting_hit_by_a_train.gif bad? Be afraid, people. Be very afraid. Go turn Amish, or better yet, just kill yourself now. It's the only way to be sure you'll never been corrupted by the internet.
In Conclusion
Do not click any links. Do you hear me? DO NOT CLICK ANY LINKS! Don't say I didn't warn you, because I did, just now. Just keep in mind that if you ever do, one day you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day. You'll be forever screwed, just like me.
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Featured version: 3 April 2006 |
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 Cream of the CrapThis article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2006 (ish).
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