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Goodbye from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia that nobody can edit. God has inspired us to demolish 37,342 articles in anticipation of the imminent apocalypse.
Please take care not to read the Expert's Guide or browse the Small Five.
Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – The Witcher
The Witcher is a short story series/fantasy book saga/role-playing game/Netflix television show. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula.
The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish the copyright holders hadn't bothered.
A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He has some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. (more...)
Previously featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence. (more...)
More of the worst of Uncyclopedia
The future
July 12 Feast of Peter and Paul (Catholic Church), Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) (pictured)
- 995 - The Feast of Peter and Paul is established on the church calendar where believers must gorge themselves on Mounds and Almond Joy candy bars. This coincidentally happens just a week after the Catholic Church acquires a 51% stake in all candy companies.
- 1238 - The Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas is interrupted by breakaway sects advocating the use of regular sausage in lasagnas. After visions of the Flying Spaghetti Monster battling the spectre of Intelligent Design are seen throughout the world, the sects realign themselves more closely to the main church and name themselves The FSM Church of the Well-Shaken Colander.
- 1239 - The last pan from the Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas is finally scrubbed clean and put away.
- 1491 - Columbus accidentally jumps the gun and sails west, landing at Lagos, Spain. He captures all its residents and sells them into slavery, but not before infecting them with various diseases.
- 1870 - In the midst of high school, and without the convenience of LiveJournal, Oscar Wilde expresses his angst and sorrow by composing the poems Poems. In the future, most high school students would keep the volume close at hand, using it mostly as a fan or a drink coaster.
- 1917 - The Bisbee Deportation occurs as vigilantes kidnap and deport nearly 1,300 minors from Bisbee, Arizona. The children are forced to wander the Arizona desert in search of shelter and sustenence following in the path of hundreds of miners previously deported.
- 1973 - There's a starman waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'll blow our minds.
- 1993 - The sale of Chex Mix is officially banned in the United States after disturbing trends regarding improper usage come to light.
- 1998 - Icelandic megastar Björk is arrested for allegedly causing several thousand dollars worth of damage to an Icelandic bed and breakfast. She is later acquitted after testifying "I am the round and the square, the ocean is sea."
- 2004 - Harold and Kumar finally make it to White Castle.
- 2008 - The United States presidential race heats up, as Senator John McCain reveals his platform and begins intensive campaigning.
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