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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,251 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings?
- ... and that's why you have to wait so long to get your takeout order?
- ... that you need to stop reading this page and get a job?
- ... that Every Good Boy Does Floccinaucinihilipilification?
- ... that the Mars Climate Orbiter crashed because engineers had failed to convert measurements in fathoms and rods to the metric system?
- ... Hope springs eternal? Dammit, girl, can't you stand still for minute?
- ... that broccoli is a hybrid made from from Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse and coliform bacteria?
- ... that a live action version of Steamboat Willie is set for release next summer?
- ... that you use only 10% of your brain?
- ... and everyone else uses 100%?
- ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
- ... that explorer Robert Peary, first to reach the North Pole except for seals and whales, also was first to reach the West Pole that no one knew existed?
- ... to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
- ... I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.
- ... that resistance is futile, so you should calculate using impedance instead?
- ... that Wright-Patterson Air Force Base is home to a heavily guarded repository of bad puns?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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June 9: Moose Conservation Day (North America), Scientific Blunders Awareness Day
- 36 CE - Jesus Christ saves a moose who becomes an apostle to spread the Word in the Americas. It only manages to get tangled up in clotheslines and trip over lawn furniture.
- 1491 – A cave painting is discovered which would later be the inspiration for the movie Opiate of the Molasses.
- 1567 – Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. Doctors are amazed at how it stayed so clean while she gave birth to it.
- 1920 – The first solar-powered air balloon is launched at night.
- 1926 – The first refrigerator is invented. It is originally marketed for killing people slowly and coldly.
- 1940 – The team of scientists at Los Alamos begin work on the Manhattan Project. They construct the world's first nuclear weapons after the US government's promise to only use them for peaceful nuclear bombings.
- 1954 - This marks exactly 100 years to the day that Charles Darwin finished penning the The Origin of Species rough draft. The lapse of 100 years' time is called into question due to missing transitional forms.
- 1969 – Sex is created. However, scientists do not think it will be a big hit.
- 1988 – The VHS video entitled Steal This Movie becomes the world's most widely stolen merchandise. Politicians are baffled.
- 1993 – The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Supreme Court.
- 2003 – Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies notches its record-breaking 500th lawsuit.
- 2009 – George Lucas changes history to make it look like a moose got a shot in first. Fans of Greedo are outraged.
- 2016 – Star Wars fans are unable to lynch George Lucas at San Diego Comic-Con as he keeps all his profits from the sale of the franchise in gold coins duct-taped to his body and is far too heavy to lift.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,251 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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