Today's featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.
The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...)
The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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May 29: Sodium Pentothol Day
- 1789 - Thomas Jefferson creates No Anniversary Day, in order to let people rest from anniversaries at least one day in the year.
- 1790 - Several people across the country try to celebrate the second No Anniversary Day and are executed for stupidity.
- 1791 - Third No Anniversary Day. Nothing happens.
- 1804 - On the 13th anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes text describing the day. He then writes, 'WTF happened to Sodium Penthathol Day?!?,' resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertently kill themselves.
- 1829 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling, estranged brother of Doctor Who wonders why people in the 18th Century were unable to spell 'sodium pentothal' and then completely frogets... fargets... fergets... errr... hwo to splel himselth. There is a large riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, with 28 people injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade spontaneously combusts.
- 1859 - Emperor Norton is dubbed Emperor of The United States of America and Protector of Mexico after making quick work of his obsessive fans at the final Nortoncon.
- 1989 - Iceland bans all applesauce causing a riot that is still going on to this day.
- 2005 - A long lost disciple of Doctor What, Lord of All Spelling, discovers he can alter all the spelling mistakes he wants on this site, realising a childhood dream. Yay.
- 2010 - The WNBA declare their way of playing the sport is about the fundamentals, rather than the skill. They find wearing burkas interfere with slam dunks.
- 2016 - CIA admits using sodium pentothol after spilling a large bottle in its headquarters. However, there is no reaction outside or elsewhere as everyone else has become immune from its widespread use.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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