From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Camera-photo.svg It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.
If possible, please add some pictures to make it into a full encyclopedia article and then remove this message. Do not remove this notice until it receives some pictures. Failure to comply will result in this notice being added again.
Don't be fooled... they look very happy and love rainbows!

“Hey you cutie kitten.... Argh!!!!”

~ Clueless person on meeting his first rabid kitten.

The young of the cat (felixus pussieus [lit. happiest squatting]). Universally recognised as a small furry bundle of joy and the only animal capable of pooping more than its own bodyweight, sometimes double, in a single poop.

History and Classification of the Kitten[edit]

While kittens have been seen exiting the stomachs of host cats for thousands of years, it wasn't until 1904 that German scientists finally categorised kittens as parasites. While long believed to be the offspring of Cats, those crafty German scientists finally figured out that kittens were actually outgrowing the innards of their host cat.

In Days of yore, it was believed has it that if you approached and caught a kitten without him or her noticing, they would kiss you. This myth is believed to have stemmed from early reports of Kitten huffing, before it was as well known as in recent times. This is also indirect evidence that kittens are parasites, for eveybody knows that you can't huff cats.

Care and Grooming[edit]

The life of a kitten varies from 3 to 20 years, depending on the alignment of the cosmos and how well you take care of it. For best results, store your kitten in a cool, dark place that is monster-free and make sure it gets plenty of vitamins and minerals . Because they are still growing, kittens require lots of food and water-based paint. It may take a while to find the right colour, but that's OK. If you mess up, you can just wash it off and try again. Most cat mechanics recommend feeding and painting your kitten 3 times a day except on Sundays and Pubic Holidays when you should put them in a shoe box and leave them there to find their own food so as not to extinguish their natural hunting abilities. For that same reason, do not allow them to lie next to you while you are watching "Tom and Jerry" as the blatant propaganda usually offends them and leads to mutilation of your gonads.

Kittens usually grow to become cute lions or something cuter, occasionally mean badgers like the stay puff man (though this can be averted with additional doses of paint),but they learn to be happy, anyway.


  • Food,duhhhhhhh

The best food to serve to kittens is french fries. One scientific experiment conducted in 1993 showed that 46781 out of 46782 kittens love licking and eating french fries. The one kitten who did not lick his french fry was just not hungry at the time.


However, proper loving can greatly reduce your chances of experiencing happiness. A good way to also reduce the chances of those being mean to your kitten is engaging in Cuddling instead of eating them. However, Kitten Huffing is bad and should never be done, because it is mean.

First of all (and most importantly) rinse your kitten thoroughly before you do anything else. Most reported side effects are actually allergies to water-based paint, and can be easily avoided by rinsing the kitten in warm water. Don't use soap, as it will add an unpleasant taste and irritate the kitten's eyes.

Next, pet the kitten in the right direction so it purrs happily. If the kitten bites you and you start crying, tell mommy right away. Get a Band-Aid with Spider-Man on it and try again.

The End,yayy!!!