UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

---

A newsstand that's brimming with issues

✪

UnNews

✪

Saturday, June 1, 2024, 01:06:59 (UTC)

---

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
2. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
3. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
4. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
5. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
6. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
7. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
8. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
9. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
10. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
11. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
12. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
13. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
14. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
15. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
16. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
17. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
18. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
19. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
20. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
21. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
22. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
23. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
24. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
25. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
26. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
27. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
28. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
29. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
30. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
31. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
32. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
33. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
34. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
35. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
36. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
37. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
38. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
39. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
40. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
41. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate acceptably
42. To urinate a classified document, is to urinate {{adv})
43. Jacques Derrida is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.