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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,250 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that contrary to the name, the London Underground is actually quite well known?
- ... that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to foreplay?
- ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
- ... that Forrest Fenn buried treasure worth over $1 million in the Rocky Mountains?
- ... and it was found by billionaire Paul Allen who used it to buy socks and nose hair clippers?
- ... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year?
- ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters?
- ... that Kanye persuaded Kim Kardashian to make Mastercard famous?
- ... the British can eat all they want? They measure weight in stones, and lighter stones are used to adjust their numbers.
- ... that explorer Robert Peary, first to reach the North Pole except for seals and whales, also was first to reach the West Pole that no one knew existed?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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June 3: Rhymes With Turd Day
- 1692 - Poland is reversed.
- 1881 - Sweary Mary utters the word cunt for the first time.
- 1958 - The Rivingtons hit the Top 40 with The Turd Is the Word.
- 1967 - First instance of the phrase "June the Third" being rhymed with "turd". What took us so long?
- 1971 - First invasion of the Kurds.
- 1977 - Melvin Rogers becomes first person to be arrested for DUI. How'd they know? His speech was slurred.
- 1980 - First all-nude production of Richard the Third.
- 1982 - In Wercestershire, Uruguay, is born William Hurd.
- 1985 - On Top of the Pops, The Herndy-Gurds perform Little Bird.
- 1990 - First version of Revenge of the Nerds.
- 1998 - Rhymes With Turd Day is officially abolished, putting an end to the absurd.
- 1999 - Some clever ponce works out that Damien Hurst's last name has an internal rhyme with turd. He is lynched for being a smart-arse.
- 2006 - Man realizes every word rhymes with turd.
- 2007 - Last man standing finally sits down. Word!
- 2008 - French man asplodes after talking like Sylvester Stallone for twenty-three hours. The last thing he said was «Murde!».
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,250 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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Protected by the life-is-unfair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Goths.