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Dear John letter
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Dear [insert name of recipient here],
By the time you read this, I'll be zombiefied by a doomsday virus.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I finally got around to reading your "poems" this morning, and I figure that this is better than a bullet in the head.
I know this might seem like a crappy thing to do
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to infiltrate the "Amnesty International" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need a bit of a laugh.
I want to tell you that I think you are going to find out that the anthrax I've contaminated this letter with might be quite unpleasant once it's started to take hold on you, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are scared of sheep,
and I am a serial killer convicted for the deaths of 33 people.
You like laying on the floor with all the lights off, playing with your pasta meals until it looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster before proceeding to eat it, and you cannot lie, the other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on Friday and then try to kill each other through strangulation (or with knives) just for fun.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I finally track you down and kill you.
I'd really like us to become supervillains and plot to conquer the world together (after which I will kill you as there can only be one true Master),
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, which lasted until you unexpectedly woke up from your coma.
Take care of yourself and never forget the hard work of the ten million chained up monkeys with typewriters that wrote this letter.
Bork, bork, bork,
~ Your sister.
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