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Dear John letter
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For those
without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called
Wikipedia have an article about
Dear John letter.
Dear Uncle Sam,
By the time you read this, I'll be burnt at stake by the Spanish Inquisition.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I'm not getting any younger, and you're not getting any richer.
I know this might seem like a sudden turn of events
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly.
I want to tell you that I think you are the Mr. Hyde to my Doctor Jekyll, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are not even real, just a Sim character I created last week in The Sims 3,
and I am vastly less intelligent than that.
You like stomping on turtles after eating mushrooms, peeling watermelons, and accusing comatose patients of lazyness,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date — oh wait, I meant to write "hate" of course.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I sharpen my hunting knife out in the garage.
I'd really like us to become that kind of insufferable cinemagoers who've read the plot in advance and sits and yell out spoilers throughout the film to the annoyance of everyone else,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, assuming that "good times" is just another way of saying "total suckage".
Take care of yourself and never forget that I'm much happier without you.
See you in Hell,
~ Your sycophantic lodger whom you will never be rid of.
P.S. I am your father. Search your feelings - you know it to be true. D.S.
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