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Dear John letter
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Dear [insert name of recipient here],
By the time you read this, I'll be mutated into something unrecognizable.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but my sadistic urges have become completely uncontrollable, and I don’t think I can see you again without having to torture you.
I know this might seem like an insidious scheme to dominate the universe
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to infiltrate the "Amnesty International" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need more space. Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan is sounding pretty nice to me right now.
I want to tell you that I think you are a Terminator sent from the future to kill me, but I don't think we're right for each other.
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a Nazi war criminal,
and I am into bodysurfing.
You like stomping on turtles after eating mushrooms, dating circus midgets, and practicing surgery on household pests,
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date our respective parents, if only so we can feel unfaithful again.
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I finally track you down and kill you.
I'd really like us to become people that ignore each other in public,
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it.
We had some good times, before we ended up in Hell together.
Take care of yourself and never forget your true place in life (which is at my feet, groveling in abject obedience).
Stop by sometime,
~ The itsy bitsy spider.
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