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USA Front Page Story
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Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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Did y'all know...
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*... if you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you feed a man to a fish, you go to jail?
- ... that incomplete sentences cause?
- ... if you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you feed a man to a fish, you go to jail?
- ... that incomplete sentences cause?
- ... if you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you feed a man to a fish, you go to jail?
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Dispatches from the Voice of America
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On this day in America...
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April 7: Hallucinate While Juggling Porcupines Day
- 65 million BCE - Raptor Jesus becomes extinct for your sins.
- 9 CE - General Publius Quinctilius Varus is showing off for his troops by juggling five porcupines at once when his distracted legions are attacked by Germanic tribesman in the Teutoborg Forest. Varus attempts to hide in a tiny cave but the now-angry porcupines turn on him and kill him. Upon hearing of the disaster, Emperor Augustus would exclaim, "Varus, give me back my legions and bring back real vaudeville!"
- 1067 - The first ever Battle of Hastings re-enactment is fought.
- 1544 - Queen Elizabeth I starts her famous celebrity gossip column in The Times.
- 1741 - The War of Jenkins' Ear spreads down to his legs.
- 1906 - Mt. Vesuvius erupts due to a bout of tectonic indigestion.
- 1954 - Jackie Chan is born and kung-fu kicks your mom in the delivery room.
- 1969 - The Beatles publish their greatest work, the Communist Manifesto.
- 1988 - Sheryl Crow breaks $15,000 worth of crockery with one wave of her baseball bat.
- 2004 - Mike Tyson gets beaten with a three-round TKO by Jaleel White. Vegas bookies go bankrupt after millions are bet on Erkel.
- 2007 - Every woman across Mozambique burns down her house in an act of defiance against the evil rule of Captain Birdseye.
- 2009 - Madonna adopts her 20th child from Africa after finally eating the previous one.
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George Eastman's featured picture
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[vote]
| Fifa2010 logo.png - 19 bullets in a soccer player ( 19 / 0 )
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The revised logo for the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa has been designed to incorporate the host nation's actual national sport...
Image credit: Sonje
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Great American heroes
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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