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USA Front Page Story
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Today's featured article – Switzerland
Switzerland is a mountainous region created in the early 13th century in order to contain gold and produce chocolate bars. From this point on, the insatiable Swiss desire for idyll building (idyllification) led to the creation of a nation remarkable for its efficient transport networks, orderly villages and synchronised repetitive yodelling.
At the beginning of time, Switzerland was a small moon orbiting the Earth, populated entirely by cows, sheep, and shepherd dogs; it is now thought to be where those creatures came from in the first place and it was known as tobleronistan.
 Location of Switzerland, according to CNN. Due to continental drift, the country now lies south of Germany. After being sent down to Earth, having fallen behind on sky-high rent, Switzerland came to be located south of Germany, bordering France, Italy, Australia and Liechtenstein. Switzerland annexed Czechia in 1990 because the country got too cramped and stuff is cheaper in eastern Europe, although today most Swiss are known to have trillions of dollars in the bank. (more...)
St. Pierre and Michelob (technically, the Territorial Collectivity of Saint Pierre et Michelob; French: Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Michelob), is an archipelago of small islands off the coast of eastern Canada, the main islands being St. Pierre and Michelob, south of the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labatt. The islands come within 10 km of Newfoundland. (more...)
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Did y'all know...
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*... if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... that Donald Trump drinks his covfefe with milk and sugnar?
- ... if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
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Dispatches from the Voice of America
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On this day in America...
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 WARNING! May cause choking in children over 40. January 13: New Year's Eve for Julius Caesar Fans Who Insist on Using His Calender Instead of Ours
- 1437 - German bakers afflicted with St. Vitus Dance create pretzels by flinging dough around. Unfortunately, brewers are unable to take advantage as waiters are similarly afflicted and spill all the beer. Thousands die from choking on dry pretzels.
- 1582 - The Orthodox Church refuses to adopt the Gregorian calendar, making Christmas in July a real possibility. Hardware chain stores leave the Orthodox Church in droves, as they already had new calendars printed.
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit", unaware that "Uranus" would have been a better choice for stupid jokes by the devoted followers of Captain Obvious.
- 1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. After thinking about it, panicked Brits ask the Apaches to return, but it is too late as the last removal van had already left for America.
- 1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later. FEMA would then spread metallic sodium to absorb floodwaters and start fires all over again.
- 1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new Chinese markets.
- 1932 - A street vendor sees Dali's The Persistence of Memory and tries to sell melted pocket watches on the street. That idea fails completely. However, he find the watches perfect for baking large pretzels and invents the soft pretzel. The rest is mystery.
- 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which runs efficiently on Jew blood and diesel.
- 2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel, which will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters. However, the president fails to read the new packages and chokes again. Barbara Bush would then arrange to have all his food pre-chewed and put into a funnel to feed the president.
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George Eastman's featured picture
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Great American heroes
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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