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Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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Did y'all know...
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*... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
- ... that explorer Robert Peary, first to reach the North Pole except for seals and whales, also was first to reach the West Pole that no one knew existed?
- ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
- ... that explorer Robert Peary, first to reach the North Pole except for seals and whales, also was first to reach the West Pole that no one knew existed?
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Dispatches from the Voice of America
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On this day in America...
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July 21 National Fight Day (UK), Belgium Awareness Day
- 58 BCE - Julius Caesar becomes aware of the Belgae when an arrow flies past his head. His legions make short work of their 10,000-strong army, spotted all hiding behind the one rock in all of Belgica, the highest point in the entire region.
- 1066 - Fight Day is established. "You do not talk about Fight Day," proclaims the King, shortly before being impaled on a sword by Normans.
- c.1200 - Due to their mutual dislike of Brussel sprouts, France, the Netherlands and later Spain realize that Belgium would be an ideal battleground while also using their armies to destroy the hated vegetable and lousy chocolate.
- 1298 - Battle of Falskirt. Edward Longlegs defeats Mel Gibson's Scottish hooligans in a poker game.
- 1447 - The snack industry falters as everyone is too busy fighting everone else to take a break.
- 1839 - William Otis invents the steam shovel. This is regarded as a frivolous invention since it is more important to shovel the vast quantities of horseshit piling up every day.
- 1891 - Whitcomb Judson invents the zipper after hanging out in his local bar.
- 1949 - The United States ratifies the North Atlantic Treaty, officially enacting a truce with the hostile North Atlantic Ocean that would be honored until sea otters invade Boston in 1977.
- 1958 - The elusive and mysterious pond whale (pictured) is first described in scientific literature.
- 1977 - Sea otters invade Boston; Fulton Fish Market is devastated. Land and air otters join the fight.
- 2006 - The first in a wildly successful series of prison journals is published on Uncyclopedia.
- 2007 - "Celebrating Fight Day may increase your risk of getting into a fight" says a statistician after completing a 30-year research program.
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George Eastman's featured picture
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Great American heroes
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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