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Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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Did y'all know...
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*... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
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Dispatches from the Voice of America
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On this day in America...
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July 13: Surreptitiously Masturbate Near a Sleeping Stranger Day
- 1294 - The armies of Kublai Khan would fail to invade Europe due to the distractions of arcade games and lousy pizza and wine in Chuck E. Cheese restaurants they encounter. The Great Khan himself succumbs to the lure of prize tickets exchangeable for gaudy trinkets and would fall off a pony ride in one of the restaurants in the Samarkand region. This led to his death despite his happiness at winning a pencil topper.
- 1310 - Marco Polo becomes the scourge of every swimming pool in the known world.
- c.1880 - The tango is invented to allow Argentians to air out their pits and crotches during a particularly humid summer.
- 1921 - Sinead O'Connor is arrested for indecent exposure in a coma ward.
- 1945 - The Manhattan Engineering District achieves its first major success, giving the ability of flight to a medium-sized mouse.
- 1982 - Adventurous masturbators discover Peter Gabriel's Shock the Monkey and find out that even 9 volts is pretty much the limit. Emergency room staff are highly amused by the experiments and compare the resulting odor to be something like pork barbecue.
- 1987 - The United States Supreme Court rules that disciplining your monkey near a sleeping stranger (pictured) is unconstitutional.
- 2003 - Stunningly gorgeous tennis sensation Martina Hingis stuns her fans by announcing her retirement. Her fans cry for days and refuse to eat.
- 2005 - Uncyclopedia is viciously and unfairly deleted by extremist Wikipedians. Wikipedia then crumbles without a parody site to funnel traffic in its direction.
- 2009 - The Uncyclopedia Anniversaries break the fourth wall by telling you to get a job, you lazy git!
- 2010 - The bite marks and the broken arm tell us the job you took at the piranha petting zoo wasn't such a good idea. Unwashed starving hermit might be the better choice for you, then.
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George Eastman's featured picture
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Great American heroes
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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Uncyclopedia's sista projectsUncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
America's staunchest allies
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