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USA Front Page Story
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Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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Did y'all know...
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*... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
- ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
- ... that bears have been known to challenge for the role of Alaska's leader?
- ... that Donald Trump drinks his covfefe with milk and sugnar?
- ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
- ... that bears have been known to challenge for the role of Alaska's leader?
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Dispatches from the Voice of America
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On this day in America...
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June 21: St. Nokia's Day, Last Day of Spring
- 5400 BCE - Prehistoric Druids create early pornography out of large stones on the Salisbury Plain of England. Unfortunately it only works one day a year, leading to many wars.
- 24 CE - Hippies celebrate "The Coming of Life", the summer solstice, in the streets after new dope harvest.
- 524 - Godomar, King of the Burgundians, moves his throne to to his Mountain Chablis.
- 654 - Howard Hughes finds out that there are germs even in airplanes.
- 1138 - The first IKEA opens in Durham by Viking invaders.
- 1910 - A Japanese kittenhoefer kills Alexander Graham Bell and patents the cell phone. It weighs four hundred pounds and has a 300-mile long spool of cable accompanying it.
- 1914 - The question "What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?" is first raised by Mark Twain.
- 1915 - The Supreme Court of the United States rules that Oklahoma cannot deny some of its citizens the right to vote. The Chief Justice then proceeds to insult Woodrow Wilson over his attempts to allow women to have a voice beyond choosing what's for dinner.
- 1940 - France surrenders to Germany out of habit.
- 1941 - France surrenders to Germany again, for good measure.
- 1942 - France celebrates the anniversary of their surrender to Germany and the establishment of the Vichy government with parades, parties, and a third surrender to make sure the message was received.
- 1982 - John Hinckley is found not guilty by reason of batshit insanity for trying to kill President Reagan; Hinckley mistakenly dedicates his win to Jodie Sweetin.
- 1994 - Figures released by the University of Cambridge show that 92% of those born under the star sign Cancer actually get cancer, whereas 12% turn into crabs.
- 1995 - Figures released by Harvard University show that 93% of Cambridge students are unable to properly add percentages.
- 1996 - Figures released by Cambridge say "Bite me, Harvard". Harvard declines comment.
- 1997 - Harvard purchases Cambridge and changes it to an automotive maintenance and bartending school.
- 1998 - The Republican Party loses its old leader, gains a new one. Bozo the Clown memorabilia regains popularity.
- 2002 - The WHO finally cures polio. They go on to do an encore with Magic Bus and Pinball Wizard.
- 2007 - Scientists find that Pluto is not a planet.
- 2008 - Scientists find that Pluto never existed in the first place.
- 2009 - Pluto sues science for defamation of existence.
- 2012 - Scientists discover that there's not always room for Jello.
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George Eastman's featured picture
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Great American heroes
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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