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Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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Did y'all know...
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*... that Pennsyltucky is not really the 57th state but is a good source of fiber?
- ... that, now that I really think about it, I'm not sure what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is?
- ... that Pennsyltucky is not really the 57th state but is a good source of fiber?
- ... that, now that I really think about it, I'm not sure what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is?
- ... that Pennsyltucky is not really the 57th state but is a good source of fiber?
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Dispatches from the Voice of America
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On this day in America...
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July 28: National Fondue and Chocolate Day (Switzerland) (pictured)
- c.3200 BCE - The man now know known as Ötzi the Iceman takes a pot of boiling fondue up to the mountains to try to get it to cool down. He slips on a rock and is stabbed by dropped fondue forks and perishes. It is the first recorded death by cheese but would not be the last.
- c.650 - Porcelain is invented to identify clumsy citizens in China.
- 1119 - The magnetic compass is created by floating a magnetized needle in a bowl of water. However, hundreds of ships on long voyages would be lost when thirsty pets and thieving seamstresses would destroy compasses.
- 1307 - Refusing to reveal the family fondue recipe, William Tell is forced to shoot a box of Toblerone off his son's head.
- 1502 - A Swiss crewman on Columbus's 4th voyage develops chocolate fondue but cuts out the associated human sacrifice ceremony as the latter is more trouble than it is worth.
- 1794 - Robespierre is sent to the guillotine for declaring white chocolate the Chocolate of the Revolution... and for thinking July could be renamed Thermidor.
- 1845 - Swiss army knives are now tempered by dropping them into pots of fondue.
- 1889 - The smell of fondue carried by prevailing winds attracts whales, causing mass strandings on the Atlantic coast of Europe. One almost makes it all the way up the Rhine River but is stopped at the Swiss border for lack of identification.
- 1956 - The first video game is introduced, allowing the player to move a dot to one of two locations on a projected screen using punch cards. Legendary gamer AAA makes his debut, setting the all-time high score of 13, which stands to this day.
- 1972 - On a trip to Vietnam, Jane Fondue is captured in a photograph that caused chocolate sales to soar, at least to her for a while.
- 1999 - After widespread internet rumors concerning chocolate shortages are proven to be false, many of the instigators are banned from the internet.
- 2007 - Bashing one's head against a brick wall is officially substituted for fondue and chocolate in some of the poorer areas of the world.
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George Eastman's featured picture
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Great American heroes
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
You now only have 3, goddamnit 3 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!
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