Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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August 12: Madonna Depreciation Day (Worldwide)
- 3 CE - The original Madonna writes an original song called Like a Prayer but is prevented from publishing it by an injunction filed by time-travelling lawyers.
- 1675 - The Vegetable Armistice is signed, ending the Great Tomato War.
- 1840 - Martin Van Buren is somehow re-nominated for the presidential election by the Democrats, despite being a pretentious douche and insisting on making lame genitalia jokes at passing squirrels.
- 1908 - First Model T Ford built. It faces stiff competition from the pirate-made Model R (pictured).
- 1921 - Joseph Lister invents Listerine, Craigslist and high society's A-list in quick succession.
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
- 1964 - English novelist Ian Fleming passes away when he is mistakenly served a vodka martini stirred, not shaken.
- 1983 - Contending that Madonna made an admission of being "over the borderline", coordinated Chinese People's Army and Air Force units attack her while she is on tour. Madonna fends off an estimated 5,000 troops for a week using a high heel and stale popcorn from her dressing room. She deftly uses lawyers in a flanking counterattack; unacceptable casualties cause the withdrawal of Chinese forces.
- 2005 - Madonna is sued for plagiarizing 4 notes for her song Frozen from poor, helpless Belgian songwriter Salvatore Acquaviva, who coincidentally has lots of lawyers for friends. During a concert in Werchter, Belgium, one of the lawyers accidentally falls onto the stage and Madonna bites his head off. She would later need treatment for rabies as a precaution.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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