Today's featured article – Kristi Noem
Kristi Lynn Noem (noʊm, née Arnold; born November 30, 1971) is the Republican Governor of the U.S. state of South Dakota, and was an up-and-coming favorite for Vice President for the 2024 campaign until disclosing that she shoots cute puppies.
Noem was born on the farm, as she will never let her campaign audiences forget, in Watertown, S.D. to parents of Norwegian ancestry. Noem's political career began in 1990 as she was elected to the important statewide post of South Dakota Snow Queen. She got college credits at the allegedly real Northern State University, Mount Marty College, and Fred's Institute of Technology, but had to curtail her studies to return to the farm and add a hunting lodge, interpretive museum, and signs claiming you'd be able to see Mount Rushmore right over there if the trees had not grown up.
In 2006, Noem was elected to the South Dakota House, and in 2010, she became 100% of the South Dakota delegation in the U.S. House of Representatives. In 2012, she achieved a personal best, attaining an actual majority of the vote rather than backing in after many voters wrote in "None of the above" or "What's Congress?" (more...)
Previously featured article – Calcium
Calcium is the twentieth element in the Idiotic Table, and is a form of metal that can be found in the earth's crust. Down there, it is the fifth most popular metal, putting it very high on the leaderboard for most famous metals. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day, Sophia's Birthday, International Talk Like a Landlubber Day
- 20,000,000 BCE Formation of the Amazon rainforest, a warm, wet, lush, dripping virgin jungle.
- 30,000 BCE Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
- 1187 - Saladin begins a siege on Jerusalem, hoping he can create a crevice in the walls and then forcefully insert his troops.
- 1519 - Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda on a long, hard, drawn out expedition to circumnavigate the globe, with about 270 seamen.
- 1815 - First railroad tunnel finishes construction. It is tested by running a train in and out of it repeatedly.
- 1837 - Rugby is invented. It is a game played by burly men with odd-shaped balls.
- 1920 - Strawberry ice cream invented. Strong sales are seen for this soft, wet, pink dessert.
- 1930 - Workers struggle to erect the mighty tower of the Empire State Building.
- 1934 - Sophia Loren born. Assume the Position of Reverence by kneeling and lowering your eyes.
- 1939 - Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard."
- 1940 - First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
- 1940 - Allies get access to Japanese military intelligence after the Japanese "Purple" code is decrypted by Genevieve Grotjan, a cunning linguist.
- 1942 - Werner Von Braun continues work perfecting the V-2 rocket. The V-2 is designed to burn ethanol and liquid oxygen, causing exhaust to spurt out of the nozzle, generating prolonged, forceful thrust.
- 2005 - Israel pulls out of Palestine.
- 2006 - Work continues on the Tautona gold mine in South Africa. Extending three miles underground, this mine holds the record for the world's longest shaft. Plans are being drawn up to plunge the shaft still deeper into the womb of the Earth.
- 2006 - President Bush's attempts to quell the violence in Iraq prove impotent, making his presidency look increasingly limp and flaccid. He insists this is the "first time this has happened to me".
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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