Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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April 29: Meatball Awareness Day, Five Second Rule Fatalities Memorial Day
- 2400 BCE - In the earliest recorded instance of a Dear John letter, Cleopatra leaves her husband Caesar using a well-placed papyrus scroll.
- c.1755 BCE - The five second rule is instituted in the Code of Hammurabi. It is quickly determined that dogs can't tell time nor do they obey human laws.
- 115 CE - The Kitos War between Romans and Jews is ignited when Jews are required to replace matzah balls with meatballs.
- 1047 - Pope Clement II changes the five second rule to the ten second rule, extending his life by five seconds before being poisoned.
- 1429 - Joan of Arc leads an army in relief of besieged Orléans, carrying tons of meatballs for its defenders. Those in Orléans would later note that while appreciating the gesture, the overcooked meatballs could have been better used as cannonballs to destroy the besieging army.
- 1770 - James Cook lands at Botany Bay, Australia and is immediately bitten by a snake, a spider, a goanna, a sand shark, dingoes and a wombat. As he crawls back to his boat, he looks over his shoulder to see a bunyip mooning him. This traditional greeting would fail to impress.
- 1862 - New Orleans falls to Union forces under Admiral David Farragut. Ironically, 100 years later, Union forces prove the eventual undoing of the manufacturing sector.
- 1945 - The German military in Italy unconditionally surrenders to the Allies. Later, Allied forces would attribute their swift victory to the food allergies of the German forces, specifically to meatballs.
- 1954 - On a dare, a group of drunken Oxford engineering students builds Stonehenge in just under 5 hours in the middle of the night.
- 1968 - The controversial musical Hair, based on an Oscar Wilde work, opens on Broadway.
- 1988 - Video kills the Radio Star. Video is promptly arrested.
- 2004 - The most famous episode of The Osbournes airs, with Ozzy trying to figure out how to eat a meatball using a lawnmower.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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